Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I was hoping for a 69
Damn I'm lazy. I haven't posted a blog since Feb. 6th.
Did you miss me? I didn't think so. Don't worry, I'm just checking in for a brief update.
After finishing up the last 4 of the 40 hours of job shadowing I have to do, I headed over to the Red Rocks campus today to take the Accuplacer exam required for my application into the sonography program. It's the first time I've been to campus during regular school hours, and let me tell you, it was fucking weird. There were students everywhere- and every one of them was smoking a cigarette and kicking a hacky sack. It looked like a Greatful Dead concert. Kids were sprawled out on the lawns soaking up the sun, making out, and pretty much doing everything but studying. It's not that I fault them for it, but it was bizarre to watch. I just kept thinking, "man, that was me eight years ago, sitting around doing nothing." You know, minus the cigarettes and the hacky sacks. Nor was I making out with any girls.
It's sad, but those kids I saw on campus today are getting more out of their education than I did.
So I took the exam. There were three sections to the test- reading comprehension, sentence skills, and algebra. The first two sections I did fairly well on. I scored a 111 in reading comprehension and 119 in sentence skills. I needed scores of 90 for both, so I guess I did decent enough. The algebra section however bent me over the table and had its way with me. No foreplay. No lube. Just straight to the rough stuff. It was ugly.
I needed an 85. I scored a 67. Sad.
No worries though. I can retake the test as many times as I want. And on the advice of one of the counselors there, I'm going to pick-up "Algebra for Dummies" to refresh my math skills. Supposedly students will often double their scores after studying the book and retaking their test. Yeah, sure. Whatever.
I'm thinking about buying a hacky sack. 
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I Think I'm Dying Here, Man
With only a day left until the Super Bowl, I'm frothing at the mouth to put money on the big game. It's killing me not to bet on the Super Bowl. A Super Bowl without gambling would be like Christmas without presents. It would be like some hot chick asking you if you want a blow job and saying, "No thanks." It's wrong. It's wrong in every possible way.
And yet, another Super Bowl is going to pass where I won't have any action on it.
When I'm finally named king, the first thing I'm going to do is make sports betting legal. Not only that, but I'll make it a tax write-off.
The line is colts by 4.5. Gimme! Gimme! The colts will win by a TD easily. They'll probably win by two. Put me down for $500!
The worst part about missing out on betting the Super Bowl are all the cool prop bets that could be had. Here are a few I would take...
First Scoring Play of the Game- A NO FG. $10 pays $45
Winning Margin- Colts by 11-15 pts. $10 pays $70
Player to Score the First TD- Pierre Garcon, IND WR. $10 pays- $100
Total TD Passes by Payton Manning- 4. $20 pays $100
Fuck it. I'm tired of missing out on sports betting. Next year, I'll open an account, no matter what it takes. Or I'll get a bookie. Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want!
And yet, another Super Bowl is going to pass where I won't have any action on it.
When I'm finally named king, the first thing I'm going to do is make sports betting legal. Not only that, but I'll make it a tax write-off.
The line is colts by 4.5. Gimme! Gimme! The colts will win by a TD easily. They'll probably win by two. Put me down for $500!
The worst part about missing out on betting the Super Bowl are all the cool prop bets that could be had. Here are a few I would take...
First Scoring Play of the Game- A NO FG. $10 pays $45
Winning Margin- Colts by 11-15 pts. $10 pays $70
Player to Score the First TD- Pierre Garcon, IND WR. $10 pays- $100
Total TD Passes by Payton Manning- 4. $20 pays $100
Fuck it. I'm tired of missing out on sports betting. Next year, I'll open an account, no matter what it takes. Or I'll get a bookie. Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Random Thoughts (1-23-10)
I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I still don't have anything worthwhile to say. But as always, that's never stopped me before....
-- Someday, when I'm finally named king, my first decree will be to abolish the pointless ritual of saying "bless you" after someone sneezes. I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. Why the fuck is it my responsibility to wish good fortunes upon someone just because they have a compulsive explosion of air from their lungs through their nose? So what if their nasal mucosa is being irritated by foreign particles? That's no reason for me to wish godly favors upon them. I hardly think a sneeze is worth good tidings of any sort. Really, shouldn't we be cursing people who sneeze near us? After all, they're spreading their unwanted germs through the air and increasing the chances that we'll get sick. Anyway, as soon as everyone agrees that I'm king, no more of that nonsense.
-- My second decree will be the introduction of a new, world holiday- Boobies Day! Damn straight. There is not nearly enough random, female nudity in our lives. Not even close. Seriously, what is with women and their irrational insistence on always wearing clothes? Do they not see how lame life is? Do they not understand how much cooler our lives would be if they would just flash a little nip every once in a while? Just think of how much better this world would be if women were prone to public disrobing. Surely, it would end world hunger. It would definitely end road rage. In all likely hood, we would have peace on earth.
The basics of Boobies Day is this- every Boobies Day (which btw would be April 25th), women 21 years or older would be required by law to flash any man who requests it of them. Basically it would be like Mardi Gras, only without the beads. You see, originally I was going to have Topless Day, where all women would be required, by law mind you, to walk around topless. Well, apparently not everyone is keen on this idea. Several of my soon-to-be subjects have pointed out to me that some women (like grandmas and Rosie O'Donnell) really should stay clothed. Fair enough. So instead, Boobies Day will allow us guys to pick and choose the boobies to be displayed. For those of you who aren't thrilled with this decree- well too fucking bad! I'm the one that's going to be named King soon, so just deal.
-- My third decree- all women are henceforth bisexual. Nothings really changed there, except that women can no longer pretend that they're not down with chicks. It's OK ladies, we're totally cool with it. Honest. So just stop pretending otherwise.
-- Damn it's going to be cool when I'm king.
-- I hate bank customers. You probably know this already. They just won't fucking shut up. Ever. All day long, it's weather this, and sports that. It's fuck Bush and fuck Obama all damn day. Lately though, it's their non-stop talk about global warming that's tempting me to end it all with a quick jab of a pen to my skull. Now, I don't have a dog in the global warming fight. Could be true. Could be a lie. I don't know, nor do I really care. I plan on dying at some point in the next seventy years either way. Really, I'll just go with whatever the Black Tower has to say about it. The customers I help every day though, they know the truth with all certainty. Of course, 99% of them are just spouting whatever the talking heads they listen to say. Whatever. All that is fine. What really gets me though is that no matter who's yapping at me about global warming, and no matter what side their on, they'll always point to that day's weather as proof that their belief is right. If it's warm, the dolt I'm helping will tell me, "And they say global warming isn't real." If it's cold, the person will say, "So much for global warming. It's freezing out there." Really? Am I to believe that these people actually think that the weather in Lakewood Colorado on any given day is proof that global warming is or isn't real? Really?
One quick jab and it'll all be over.
-- I have some news on the book front. I recently e-mailed amazon to inquire about making the Dagger of Lokin available for download on the Kindle. I sent them a few chapters to sample and asked what the process would be. In their reply, Amazon informed me that they would indeed accept the DoL for the kindle, so long as I was willing to pay $2.99 every time someone downloaded the book. Based on the poor quality of the writing, Amazon felt that not only should the book be free for download, but that I should have to pay the customer for downloading and suffering through it. Bummer.
-- I only have two weeks left to finish the prologue for the Mace of Dominion, and I don't have a single sentence of it written yet. There is nothing more terrifying than a blank piece of paper.
-- I hate getting older. I'm only 32 and yet I'm already seeing the signs. My memory is already starting to slip. For instance, I seem to recall vowing to cut back on drinking. Only I'm not sure I really did. My memory of it is just so hazy....
-- Someday, when I am named King of the world, I will appoint someone witty and charming to write my blogs for me, so that none of you have to suffer through this crap again. Hold on peeps, your plight is almost finished.
-- Someday, when I'm finally named king, my first decree will be to abolish the pointless ritual of saying "bless you" after someone sneezes. I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. Why the fuck is it my responsibility to wish good fortunes upon someone just because they have a compulsive explosion of air from their lungs through their nose? So what if their nasal mucosa is being irritated by foreign particles? That's no reason for me to wish godly favors upon them. I hardly think a sneeze is worth good tidings of any sort. Really, shouldn't we be cursing people who sneeze near us? After all, they're spreading their unwanted germs through the air and increasing the chances that we'll get sick. Anyway, as soon as everyone agrees that I'm king, no more of that nonsense.
-- My second decree will be the introduction of a new, world holiday- Boobies Day! Damn straight. There is not nearly enough random, female nudity in our lives. Not even close. Seriously, what is with women and their irrational insistence on always wearing clothes? Do they not see how lame life is? Do they not understand how much cooler our lives would be if they would just flash a little nip every once in a while? Just think of how much better this world would be if women were prone to public disrobing. Surely, it would end world hunger. It would definitely end road rage. In all likely hood, we would have peace on earth.
The basics of Boobies Day is this- every Boobies Day (which btw would be April 25th), women 21 years or older would be required by law to flash any man who requests it of them. Basically it would be like Mardi Gras, only without the beads. You see, originally I was going to have Topless Day, where all women would be required, by law mind you, to walk around topless. Well, apparently not everyone is keen on this idea. Several of my soon-to-be subjects have pointed out to me that some women (like grandmas and Rosie O'Donnell) really should stay clothed. Fair enough. So instead, Boobies Day will allow us guys to pick and choose the boobies to be displayed. For those of you who aren't thrilled with this decree- well too fucking bad! I'm the one that's going to be named King soon, so just deal.
-- My third decree- all women are henceforth bisexual. Nothings really changed there, except that women can no longer pretend that they're not down with chicks. It's OK ladies, we're totally cool with it. Honest. So just stop pretending otherwise.
-- Damn it's going to be cool when I'm king.
-- I hate bank customers. You probably know this already. They just won't fucking shut up. Ever. All day long, it's weather this, and sports that. It's fuck Bush and fuck Obama all damn day. Lately though, it's their non-stop talk about global warming that's tempting me to end it all with a quick jab of a pen to my skull. Now, I don't have a dog in the global warming fight. Could be true. Could be a lie. I don't know, nor do I really care. I plan on dying at some point in the next seventy years either way. Really, I'll just go with whatever the Black Tower has to say about it. The customers I help every day though, they know the truth with all certainty. Of course, 99% of them are just spouting whatever the talking heads they listen to say. Whatever. All that is fine. What really gets me though is that no matter who's yapping at me about global warming, and no matter what side their on, they'll always point to that day's weather as proof that their belief is right. If it's warm, the dolt I'm helping will tell me, "And they say global warming isn't real." If it's cold, the person will say, "So much for global warming. It's freezing out there." Really? Am I to believe that these people actually think that the weather in Lakewood Colorado on any given day is proof that global warming is or isn't real? Really?
One quick jab and it'll all be over.
-- I have some news on the book front. I recently e-mailed amazon to inquire about making the Dagger of Lokin available for download on the Kindle. I sent them a few chapters to sample and asked what the process would be. In their reply, Amazon informed me that they would indeed accept the DoL for the kindle, so long as I was willing to pay $2.99 every time someone downloaded the book. Based on the poor quality of the writing, Amazon felt that not only should the book be free for download, but that I should have to pay the customer for downloading and suffering through it. Bummer.
-- I only have two weeks left to finish the prologue for the Mace of Dominion, and I don't have a single sentence of it written yet. There is nothing more terrifying than a blank piece of paper.
-- I hate getting older. I'm only 32 and yet I'm already seeing the signs. My memory is already starting to slip. For instance, I seem to recall vowing to cut back on drinking. Only I'm not sure I really did. My memory of it is just so hazy....
-- Someday, when I am named King of the world, I will appoint someone witty and charming to write my blogs for me, so that none of you have to suffer through this crap again. Hold on peeps, your plight is almost finished.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Random Thoughts (12-13-09)
I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I'm lazy. That and I really don't have much to say. Let's see if I can't scrape a few thoughts out of the empty abyss that is my mind.
-- I realize that I'm the boy who cried wolf on this, but I have to warn you- the donks are going to get destroyed today. The colts will bitchslap them. It's going to be ugly. I know I say this every week no matter who the donks are playing, but this week I mean it. The colts will win by at least two tds. Probably three. Why am I so sure? Because of the morons I help at the bank, that's why. All week, all I heard from the customers was how the donks were going to upset the colts. Not one donks fan said they'd lose. Everyone in donks land thinks that the orange and blue will actually win. Even my naysaying powers can't overcome that kind of jinx. The donks are screwed.
-- Steph dragged me to an X-mas party last weekend hosted by one of her coworkers, a gig I didn't want any part of. Being that I'm socially awkward and a tool, going to a party to meet a bunch of Steph's coworkers was the last thing I wanted to do that night. For the most part, the party was dreadful, as I spent most of the night mumbling greetings and staring into my glass-- you know, being myself.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training"? A classic. You really should rent it. There's a scene in the opening of the movie where the kids of the baseball team teach a mentally-challenged groundskeeper how to say "hello", "how are you?", and "nice to meet you", all so that they can deceive their parents into believing that they have a coach who will be with them on their upcoming road trip. Anyway, I realized at the party that night that I'm that guy. I'm the mentally-challenged, fake coach. I mutter the three phrases that I've memorized and that's it. After that I just smile and get destroyed drunk. Poor Steph. It's a wonder why she even brings me. She should just hire a male escort next time.
My toolish behavior aside, the party was quite interesting. The hosts were a doctor and his husband, and four of the doctor's kids. The kids were all on drink duty, making sure that no one had an empty glass, and they did a fantastic job. I plowed through so many Singapore Slings that they ran out of it about a half hour after I arrived. From there it was on to wine, which just about dropped me to the floor. Those kids can really push the drinks.
The highlight though were the lesbians. One of Steph's coworkers is a hottie lesbian, and she brought her girlfriend with her to the party. At first the two just sat together, chatting and drinking. Eventually though they started holding hands and petting each other, and I couldn't have been more enthralled. It's no secret that I'm into lesbians, but even I didn't realize I was that into them. I couldn't keep my eyes off of them, and all they were doing was snuggling. I spent the whole night trying to fight off a stiffy. I told my penis, "it's not polite to point." And he said, "Stop staring and I'll stop pointing." Touche, penis. Touche.
-- Have you seen the latest cover of golfer's digest? Hilarious.
-- I realize that I'm the boy who cried wolf on this, but I have to warn you- the donks are going to get destroyed today. The colts will bitchslap them. It's going to be ugly. I know I say this every week no matter who the donks are playing, but this week I mean it. The colts will win by at least two tds. Probably three. Why am I so sure? Because of the morons I help at the bank, that's why. All week, all I heard from the customers was how the donks were going to upset the colts. Not one donks fan said they'd lose. Everyone in donks land thinks that the orange and blue will actually win. Even my naysaying powers can't overcome that kind of jinx. The donks are screwed.
-- Steph dragged me to an X-mas party last weekend hosted by one of her coworkers, a gig I didn't want any part of. Being that I'm socially awkward and a tool, going to a party to meet a bunch of Steph's coworkers was the last thing I wanted to do that night. For the most part, the party was dreadful, as I spent most of the night mumbling greetings and staring into my glass-- you know, being myself.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training"? A classic. You really should rent it. There's a scene in the opening of the movie where the kids of the baseball team teach a mentally-challenged groundskeeper how to say "hello", "how are you?", and "nice to meet you", all so that they can deceive their parents into believing that they have a coach who will be with them on their upcoming road trip. Anyway, I realized at the party that night that I'm that guy. I'm the mentally-challenged, fake coach. I mutter the three phrases that I've memorized and that's it. After that I just smile and get destroyed drunk. Poor Steph. It's a wonder why she even brings me. She should just hire a male escort next time.
My toolish behavior aside, the party was quite interesting. The hosts were a doctor and his husband, and four of the doctor's kids. The kids were all on drink duty, making sure that no one had an empty glass, and they did a fantastic job. I plowed through so many Singapore Slings that they ran out of it about a half hour after I arrived. From there it was on to wine, which just about dropped me to the floor. Those kids can really push the drinks.
The highlight though were the lesbians. One of Steph's coworkers is a hottie lesbian, and she brought her girlfriend with her to the party. At first the two just sat together, chatting and drinking. Eventually though they started holding hands and petting each other, and I couldn't have been more enthralled. It's no secret that I'm into lesbians, but even I didn't realize I was that into them. I couldn't keep my eyes off of them, and all they were doing was snuggling. I spent the whole night trying to fight off a stiffy. I told my penis, "it's not polite to point." And he said, "Stop staring and I'll stop pointing." Touche, penis. Touche.
-- Have you seen the latest cover of golfer's digest? Hilarious.
-- The bank is short about three tellers right now, so we've been going through the interview process for the last few weeks, trying to bring in a few more people. One day while I was in the vault with my supervisor Paula, she told me that one of the applicants mentioned that he was a writer during his interview. He'd written a novel, but it was as yet unpublished. She told me that they probably wouldn't hire him, since they already "have one of those." What I'm wondering though is- how many bank tellers are there in the world who are unpublished authors? Is this what happens to unpublished writers? They become bank tellers? I think it's a sign. I'm never going to be published. For the crime of writing such a terrible book, I've been sentenced to the purgatory of being a bank teller. Who knew?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I love you, Hot Bartenders/ I Hate You, Denver Broncos
What is it about hot bartenders that is so damn cool?
Just the other night, Z-man and I hit up the Larimer Lounge to check out a band called Electric Six. Good times, they were. Loud music, lots of booze, and girls shaking their asses always makes for a swell time.
The bartenders at the Lounge that night were top shelf. Or maybe I just had lust-goggles on. It's hard to tell. There's just something about women leaning over the bar across from me, flashing their A through Ds against a backdrop of liquor bottles and asking "What would you like?" that gets this tool's ratchet clanked. That's customer service at its finest, peeps.
Zach and I were greatly entertained by the eye candy working the bar, as well as the thought of ordering overtly, sexually-named drinks from them. The running joke of the evening was to say, "When she asked me what I wanted, I told her a blow job. And she brought me a drink!"
Zach and I did variations of this all night long. It never once got old.
"So then I said, a slow comfortable screw up against the wall. And she brought me a drink!"
"So then I said, I want to fuck you doggy-style while your eating out another chick. And she brought me a drink!"
"Finally I just ordered a Long Island, and she slapped my in the face and told me to go to Hell."
The evening eventually took its toll on me, as I didn't get home until about 1:30 am and I had to work the next day, but really it was all worth it. In the debate of whether I'm officially old or not, youth won out that night. Well, I'm still young at heart anyway. Plus, I have yet to go to a concert and officially be the oldest person in attendance. Until I'm the creepy old guy that really shouldn't be there, I'll consider it all good.
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There's only one rule to being a true, hardcore naysayer. Never, under any circumstance, believe in your team. It is the first and last commandment of being a naysayer, and I broke it. When the donks beat the Chargers to go 6-0, earning a 3 1/2 game lead in the west, I bought into the lie. I drank the predominantly orange kool-aid. I completely and totally sold out. Now, I'm paying the price.
Just the other night, Z-man and I hit up the Larimer Lounge to check out a band called Electric Six. Good times, they were. Loud music, lots of booze, and girls shaking their asses always makes for a swell time.
The bartenders at the Lounge that night were top shelf. Or maybe I just had lust-goggles on. It's hard to tell. There's just something about women leaning over the bar across from me, flashing their A through Ds against a backdrop of liquor bottles and asking "What would you like?" that gets this tool's ratchet clanked. That's customer service at its finest, peeps.
Zach and I were greatly entertained by the eye candy working the bar, as well as the thought of ordering overtly, sexually-named drinks from them. The running joke of the evening was to say, "When she asked me what I wanted, I told her a blow job. And she brought me a drink!"
Zach and I did variations of this all night long. It never once got old.
"So then I said, a slow comfortable screw up against the wall. And she brought me a drink!"
"So then I said, I want to fuck you doggy-style while your eating out another chick. And she brought me a drink!"
"Finally I just ordered a Long Island, and she slapped my in the face and told me to go to Hell."
The evening eventually took its toll on me, as I didn't get home until about 1:30 am and I had to work the next day, but really it was all worth it. In the debate of whether I'm officially old or not, youth won out that night. Well, I'm still young at heart anyway. Plus, I have yet to go to a concert and officially be the oldest person in attendance. Until I'm the creepy old guy that really shouldn't be there, I'll consider it all good.
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There's only one rule to being a true, hardcore naysayer. Never, under any circumstance, believe in your team. It is the first and last commandment of being a naysayer, and I broke it. When the donks beat the Chargers to go 6-0, earning a 3 1/2 game lead in the west, I bought into the lie. I drank the predominantly orange kool-aid. I completely and totally sold out. Now, I'm paying the price.
This will be the second time I've had to come to terms with burying the 09 Broncos. I already did it once back in the preseason when it was obvious to everyone that the Broncos serviced well hung goats. Everything we thought about the Broncos going into the season was true. They are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook. Or at least I did. At 6-0, the donks had converted me. I was a believer, and I was singing their praises. Josh McDaniels is a genius! Kyle Orton is the greatest game manager ever! At one point I'd even considered betting on them. When the donks wre at Baltimore even! How sad. Now, after three horrid losses, I am no longer blind to their propaganda. The Broncos are a joke. They're frauds, and I will never believe in them again.
The 09 Broncos are dead. They're deader than dead. I took them out back, hit them over the head with a shovel, and buried them next to fluffy.
If there are any believers out their who yet cling to hope, just let it go. The donks don't have a chance. As Woody Paige would say, "Look at the schedule!"
Tomorrow they lose to the Chargers, which you have to admit, is sweet sweet irony. You gotta love that the bolts have managed to yet again come back from a three game deficit to bitch-slap the donks. Epic. Just epic. Kyle Orton? Chris Simms? It doesn't fucking matter who's taking the snaps. The donks go down either way. It won't even be close.
After that, the donks will lose to the giants (I'm so glad I'll get to see that in person), at Kc, at Ind, and at Philly. Their only wins for the rest of the season will be their home games against Kc and Oak.
8-8. That's how it'll end. I've already put it on their tombstone.
Bring on the draft.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Good News, Everyone!
Yet again, everyone's favorite Dr. Chris and I had a bet going with the donks/skins game. Well, the donks lost, and that means I don't have to post line picks any more. That means you don't have to read them any more.
You're free. You're finally free.
You're free. You're finally free.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Random Thoughts/Lines (11-14-09)
I was reading the newspaper the other day when I stumbled across an article about some new, quite alarming types of computer viruses that are floating around the net. These new types of viruses were created by pedophiles so they could store child porn on someone else's computer. Once a computer is infected, it begins doing searches for child porn, then downloads the pics it finds and stores them in secret files. The pedophiles then hack into the infected computers whenever they want to look at the porn, allowing them to keep their own computers free of the material. The worst part of all is that some of the people with infected computers, people who aren't pedophiles and who don't even know that the porn is on their computer, have been charged by the police for child abuse crimes after the porn is discovered. According to the article, it is very difficult and costly for victims of these viruses to prove their innocence, as the viruses are often difficult to find. As well, pedophiles often use the "it's not mine" excuse when caught, so authorities are highly skeptical when anyone suggests that the material found on their computer isn't theirs.
Horrified and a bit paranoid after reading the article, I raced home that day and did a quick search of my computer. The good news is that I didn't find any child porn. The bad news though is that I discovered a similar styled virus has infected my computer. Instead of downloading child porn though, this virus downloads unpublishable fantasy novels and poorly written short stories to my computer. Not only that, but apparently this novel has been submitted several times in my name to various publishing companies. I'm so embarrassed. The novel, called "The Dagger of Lokin" is 944 pages of the most unoriginal, poorly conceived crap I have ever read, and there are people out there who think that I wrote it.
What kind of person would do that to someone? It's just not right.
-- There's a show on Showtime that Steph is a big fan of called "Nurse Jackie" about a nurse juggling the difficulties of her job, an affair she's having with a coworker, and her addiction to pain meds. It's not as exciting as it sounds. Anyway, one of the characters on the show, a Dr. Fitch Cooper, suffers from a unique form of Tourettes. Basically, whenever he's nervous, he reaches out and gropes the nearest tits and ass he can find. When I first saw the show, I was outraged. As someone who suffers from this same exact form of Tourettes, I felt ridiculed and offended. How dare Showtime mock my disorder? Now though I realize how important it is that the general public learns of this terrible affliction, and I'm glad that the show is doing its part to help end the inexcusable amount of ignorance there is about this disease. Thanks to Nurse Jackie, I have finally found the courage to stop taking my prescribed medicines, and to just be myself. Thank you, Showtime. Thank you.
-- The irony is so rich and creamy, you can't help but ask for seconds. The 6-2 Broncos, who should really be 2-6 at this point, have been revealed as frauds. The team we all thought they would be at the beginning of the season has finally emerged, just in time to let the San Diego Chargers make yet another comeback to win the west. It's like clockwork. The donks start off hot, then choke the season away. The bolts start off cold, everyone writes them off, and then they bitchslap the donks into submission. Such is the joy of being a donks fan. The only question now is, can the donks slip into the playoffs as a wildcard? Well, tomorrow's game will tell us. Let's do some lines!
-- Was +4 Vs Den- It's a classic trap game. Classic! The 6-2 donks are clearly the better team. The 2-6 Redskins are faltering. They're a joke. The skins don't have a chance, right? Then why did Vegas set the line at -4? Why hasn't the line jumped to -7 or -8? Vegas knows, as do the gamblers. They know the donks are playing at 11 am on the east coast. They know the blueprint for beating the donks has been layed out. They know that Kyle Orton sucks balls. Plus, the donks are looking past the skins to the bolts game next week (a bolts team that is going to win by the way). This isn't me just naysaying, people! The signs are all there! Trap game. The donks will lose their third in a row. Then next week, they lose their fourth. Rich and creamy irony.
-- Oak -2 Vs Kc- I can't explain why, but I have a feeling about this one. It's all gut.
-- Sd -1 Vs Phi- Damn this is a sweet game. It sucks they play in the morning. My punk ass will be watching the redskins upset the donks. But this will be my plan B. So why am I taking the bolts? Simple. The donks need the eagles to win, which means it won't happen. Plus, I need McNabb to throw up 10 billion pts for fantasy, which means it won't happen. The football gods hate me, see.
-- New England +3 at Ind- The colts haven't played a real team yet. The Pats are off the radar. And fuck if I know.
-- NO -14 at Stl- This line couldn't be high enough.
-- Min -16.5 Vs Det- This line couldn't be high enough.
That's it.
Horrified and a bit paranoid after reading the article, I raced home that day and did a quick search of my computer. The good news is that I didn't find any child porn. The bad news though is that I discovered a similar styled virus has infected my computer. Instead of downloading child porn though, this virus downloads unpublishable fantasy novels and poorly written short stories to my computer. Not only that, but apparently this novel has been submitted several times in my name to various publishing companies. I'm so embarrassed. The novel, called "The Dagger of Lokin" is 944 pages of the most unoriginal, poorly conceived crap I have ever read, and there are people out there who think that I wrote it.
What kind of person would do that to someone? It's just not right.
-- There's a show on Showtime that Steph is a big fan of called "Nurse Jackie" about a nurse juggling the difficulties of her job, an affair she's having with a coworker, and her addiction to pain meds. It's not as exciting as it sounds. Anyway, one of the characters on the show, a Dr. Fitch Cooper, suffers from a unique form of Tourettes. Basically, whenever he's nervous, he reaches out and gropes the nearest tits and ass he can find. When I first saw the show, I was outraged. As someone who suffers from this same exact form of Tourettes, I felt ridiculed and offended. How dare Showtime mock my disorder? Now though I realize how important it is that the general public learns of this terrible affliction, and I'm glad that the show is doing its part to help end the inexcusable amount of ignorance there is about this disease. Thanks to Nurse Jackie, I have finally found the courage to stop taking my prescribed medicines, and to just be myself. Thank you, Showtime. Thank you.
-- The irony is so rich and creamy, you can't help but ask for seconds. The 6-2 Broncos, who should really be 2-6 at this point, have been revealed as frauds. The team we all thought they would be at the beginning of the season has finally emerged, just in time to let the San Diego Chargers make yet another comeback to win the west. It's like clockwork. The donks start off hot, then choke the season away. The bolts start off cold, everyone writes them off, and then they bitchslap the donks into submission. Such is the joy of being a donks fan. The only question now is, can the donks slip into the playoffs as a wildcard? Well, tomorrow's game will tell us. Let's do some lines!
-- Was +4 Vs Den- It's a classic trap game. Classic! The 6-2 donks are clearly the better team. The 2-6 Redskins are faltering. They're a joke. The skins don't have a chance, right? Then why did Vegas set the line at -4? Why hasn't the line jumped to -7 or -8? Vegas knows, as do the gamblers. They know the donks are playing at 11 am on the east coast. They know the blueprint for beating the donks has been layed out. They know that Kyle Orton sucks balls. Plus, the donks are looking past the skins to the bolts game next week (a bolts team that is going to win by the way). This isn't me just naysaying, people! The signs are all there! Trap game. The donks will lose their third in a row. Then next week, they lose their fourth. Rich and creamy irony.
-- Oak -2 Vs Kc- I can't explain why, but I have a feeling about this one. It's all gut.
-- Sd -1 Vs Phi- Damn this is a sweet game. It sucks they play in the morning. My punk ass will be watching the redskins upset the donks. But this will be my plan B. So why am I taking the bolts? Simple. The donks need the eagles to win, which means it won't happen. Plus, I need McNabb to throw up 10 billion pts for fantasy, which means it won't happen. The football gods hate me, see.
-- New England +3 at Ind- The colts haven't played a real team yet. The Pats are off the radar. And fuck if I know.
-- NO -14 at Stl- This line couldn't be high enough.
-- Min -16.5 Vs Det- This line couldn't be high enough.
That's it.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Dud Picks More Lines
Shortly after I started working at the bank about three years ago, my coworkers came up with a nickname for me. They decided to call me "the dud". Of course, I wasn't supposed to know about it. The name was a secret. People talk though, even to a dud, and so eventually I learned what everyone was calling me.
Though I much prefer tool, dud does work. It fits. I have to say, my coworkers did a fine job of picking my nickname. It hints at my complete lack of charm or personality, as well as my inability to communicate well with others.
Anyway, last night I attended my second poker tournament hosted by Mark (Debbie's brother), and boy did I feel like a dud. Steph wasn't there because she was still at work, so I pretty much found a corner and hid most of the night. I don't think I said two words to anyone, even though almost everyone there made an effort to include me in their discussions. Honestly, I don't know what my problem is. I just don't converse well with people. I'm good for listening noises and the appropriate facial expressions, but that's about it. If you're looking for opinion or insight into whatever we're discussing, it's just not likely to happen.
Besides being a dud socially, I was a dud at poker as well. I'm way out of my league with this group. I can't bluff at all. I don't have the nerves for it. Nor can I read when anyone else is bluffing, which means I end up playing overly conservative. Basically, I fold on nearly every hand until the blinds have piddled my chips away to nothing. That about sums up my playing style. I'd like to think that it's just my inexperience, but I'm starting to wonder if the same things that hold me back socially are a hindrance for me at poker.
I am king of the duds.
Well, it's time for the dud to make his line picks, even though it pains me to do it. It kicks me square in the nuts not to be able to bet on sports. I had so much fun in Vegas, even if I left down a couple of hundred. It was a blast, and I really wish I could do it every weekend.
Maybe I should reopen my gambling account.
Cin +3 over Bal- This is just a spite pick. Despite the ravens winning me a good chunk of money last week, I still despise them for exposing the donks for the frauds they are.
NO -13.5 Vs Car- Assuming that the donks, bolts, and eagles were all eliminated, the super bowl match-up I'd be most interested in watching would be the undefeated Saints going up against the undefeated colts. Yeah I know, it's a pipe dream to think either team will be undefeated going into the Super Bowl, but how cool would that be? The '72 Dolphins would be fucked.
Sd +5 at NyG- Here's where the bolts start making their comeback. Write it down. Bolts win the west.
SF -4.5 Vs Ten- Fuck if i know.
These last two picks are the ones I'd put money on. Not only that, but I'd parlay them and drop two bills on it. Easy money.
Phi -3 Vs Dallas-
Pit -3 at Den-
I've got blue balls for sportsbooking.
Though I much prefer tool, dud does work. It fits. I have to say, my coworkers did a fine job of picking my nickname. It hints at my complete lack of charm or personality, as well as my inability to communicate well with others.
Anyway, last night I attended my second poker tournament hosted by Mark (Debbie's brother), and boy did I feel like a dud. Steph wasn't there because she was still at work, so I pretty much found a corner and hid most of the night. I don't think I said two words to anyone, even though almost everyone there made an effort to include me in their discussions. Honestly, I don't know what my problem is. I just don't converse well with people. I'm good for listening noises and the appropriate facial expressions, but that's about it. If you're looking for opinion or insight into whatever we're discussing, it's just not likely to happen.
Besides being a dud socially, I was a dud at poker as well. I'm way out of my league with this group. I can't bluff at all. I don't have the nerves for it. Nor can I read when anyone else is bluffing, which means I end up playing overly conservative. Basically, I fold on nearly every hand until the blinds have piddled my chips away to nothing. That about sums up my playing style. I'd like to think that it's just my inexperience, but I'm starting to wonder if the same things that hold me back socially are a hindrance for me at poker.
I am king of the duds.
Well, it's time for the dud to make his line picks, even though it pains me to do it. It kicks me square in the nuts not to be able to bet on sports. I had so much fun in Vegas, even if I left down a couple of hundred. It was a blast, and I really wish I could do it every weekend.
Maybe I should reopen my gambling account.
Cin +3 over Bal- This is just a spite pick. Despite the ravens winning me a good chunk of money last week, I still despise them for exposing the donks for the frauds they are.
NO -13.5 Vs Car- Assuming that the donks, bolts, and eagles were all eliminated, the super bowl match-up I'd be most interested in watching would be the undefeated Saints going up against the undefeated colts. Yeah I know, it's a pipe dream to think either team will be undefeated going into the Super Bowl, but how cool would that be? The '72 Dolphins would be fucked.
Sd +5 at NyG- Here's where the bolts start making their comeback. Write it down. Bolts win the west.
SF -4.5 Vs Ten- Fuck if i know.
These last two picks are the ones I'd put money on. Not only that, but I'd parlay them and drop two bills on it. Easy money.
Phi -3 Vs Dallas-
Pit -3 at Den-
I've got blue balls for sportsbooking.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
30 Second Blog (A Vegas Quicky)
Since coming home from Vegas, I've been somewhat depressed. I'm not sure if it's because I already miss Vegas, or if I'm sad that I didn't come home a winner. Maybe its because I won't be sportbooking again any time soon. Whatever it is, I'm sad.
Overall, the trip was great. Halloween was a blast. People watching in Vegas is fun anyway. On Halloween it gets kicked up to the extreme. The highlight was easily a hottie cowgirl in assless chaps strolling through the New York New York with a few of her friends. That was some serious eye candy. Really, Halloween was a complete slut parade, and it was great.
As far as gambling goes, I ended the weekend down $226. I did very well on Pro Football and and the Roulette table, but that's about it. Slots, Craps, College Football, Hockey, and Baseball didn't go so well for me. I should know better than to gamble on anything but the NFL. If I'd just stayed to what I know, I would have come home up.
I'm not sure when I'll make it back to Vegas. If I can swing it, I'd love to make Halloween a tradition, but we'll see. It all depends on school and such. Depending on how things go, it could be a long time before I get back.
Sad, isn't it.
Overall, the trip was great. Halloween was a blast. People watching in Vegas is fun anyway. On Halloween it gets kicked up to the extreme. The highlight was easily a hottie cowgirl in assless chaps strolling through the New York New York with a few of her friends. That was some serious eye candy. Really, Halloween was a complete slut parade, and it was great.
As far as gambling goes, I ended the weekend down $226. I did very well on Pro Football and and the Roulette table, but that's about it. Slots, Craps, College Football, Hockey, and Baseball didn't go so well for me. I should know better than to gamble on anything but the NFL. If I'd just stayed to what I know, I would have come home up.
I'm not sure when I'll make it back to Vegas. If I can swing it, I'd love to make Halloween a tradition, but we'll see. It all depends on school and such. Depending on how things go, it could be a long time before I get back.
Sad, isn't it.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The V Plan
Vegas is so close I can almost taste it. The taste is somewhat muted mind you, because I have a cold. Colds suck. Vegas on the other hand rocks. Vegas trumps everything, even a cold. Tomorrow at work I'll be miserable. Saturday morning, flying to Vegas, I will suffer the torment of an annoying cold while believing that at any moment I will die. When the plane finally lands (assuming it lands), the cold will have no power over me. I will be in Vegas.
Vegas cures all.
I think I have things figured out. I've crunched the numbers. I've dissected every plausible outcome, every possible reality. I've closed my eyes and thrown the darts. Most importantly, I've consulted my gut. And my gut says drink. Drink a lot. Then I won't care whether to donks win or not. I won't care if my bets win. Inebriation is the key to my happiness. Drink and all will be well.
So that's the plan. I'll drink and then I'll bet. Here's what I'm thinking-
Actually, I'll hold off a moment on that. First, let's do Ed's picks. Ed is an officer at my bank who loves football and loves betting. He's me, but with a real job. When he heard that I was going to Vegas this weekend, he dropped a bundle of cash in my hands and said, "here's what I want you to bet. I want Den, Buf, Min, Sf, Mia, Jac, Car, and NyG. Take the points on all of them. Put $20 on each." Now, most people would cringe at having to place bets for someone else while chillin in Vegas. They would think it was a chore. Not me. I love it. I'm totally down. As soon as he asked me if I'd bet for him, I realized something about myself that I knew under the surface for quite some time. I was born to be a bookie. It's my dream job. Too bad it's illegal.
I wish Ed the best, but here's how I see it.
Clv is going to shock the world, and I'm going to bank on it. The line is currently Chicago by 13. I'll money line that and make a killing.
Ok, that's not going to happen. I mean, I'll bet it like I said, but there's no way it fucking wins. It's a sucker bet. I know it. But I'll be having a blast for the first five minutes of the game hoping for the impossible. Then the Bears will score 17 in the first quarter and I'll be the tool who moneylined the inept Browns. It would be like moneylining that the Dagger of Lokin would get published. Just stupid.
Speaking of stupid... I've got two parlay bets I want to drop. First I'll go Ind -12 (over Sf), Sea +10 (at Dal). Then I'll get really crazy and throw down Mia +3.5 (at NyJ), Vikes +3 (at Gb), and Jac +3 (at Ten) (assuming the line doesn't disappear now that Young is the starter).
Next come the straight up moneylines.
Mia to win. Jac to win. Buf to win. Vikes to win.
That's it. That's all I got. Oh, there will be plenty more bets than that, but I'll figure the rest out when I get to Sin City. Whether I bet on the Broncos/Ravens game, or how I'll bet on it, I'm just not sure. I probably won't decide on that until right before the game. Whatever I decide, just know, I'm going to be wrong. But I'll also be drunk, so I won't give a fuck.
Vegas cures all.
I think I have things figured out. I've crunched the numbers. I've dissected every plausible outcome, every possible reality. I've closed my eyes and thrown the darts. Most importantly, I've consulted my gut. And my gut says drink. Drink a lot. Then I won't care whether to donks win or not. I won't care if my bets win. Inebriation is the key to my happiness. Drink and all will be well.
So that's the plan. I'll drink and then I'll bet. Here's what I'm thinking-
Actually, I'll hold off a moment on that. First, let's do Ed's picks. Ed is an officer at my bank who loves football and loves betting. He's me, but with a real job. When he heard that I was going to Vegas this weekend, he dropped a bundle of cash in my hands and said, "here's what I want you to bet. I want Den, Buf, Min, Sf, Mia, Jac, Car, and NyG. Take the points on all of them. Put $20 on each." Now, most people would cringe at having to place bets for someone else while chillin in Vegas. They would think it was a chore. Not me. I love it. I'm totally down. As soon as he asked me if I'd bet for him, I realized something about myself that I knew under the surface for quite some time. I was born to be a bookie. It's my dream job. Too bad it's illegal.
I wish Ed the best, but here's how I see it.
Clv is going to shock the world, and I'm going to bank on it. The line is currently Chicago by 13. I'll money line that and make a killing.
Ok, that's not going to happen. I mean, I'll bet it like I said, but there's no way it fucking wins. It's a sucker bet. I know it. But I'll be having a blast for the first five minutes of the game hoping for the impossible. Then the Bears will score 17 in the first quarter and I'll be the tool who moneylined the inept Browns. It would be like moneylining that the Dagger of Lokin would get published. Just stupid.
Speaking of stupid... I've got two parlay bets I want to drop. First I'll go Ind -12 (over Sf), Sea +10 (at Dal). Then I'll get really crazy and throw down Mia +3.5 (at NyJ), Vikes +3 (at Gb), and Jac +3 (at Ten) (assuming the line doesn't disappear now that Young is the starter).
Next come the straight up moneylines.
Mia to win. Jac to win. Buf to win. Vikes to win.
That's it. That's all I got. Oh, there will be plenty more bets than that, but I'll figure the rest out when I get to Sin City. Whether I bet on the Broncos/Ravens game, or how I'll bet on it, I'm just not sure. I probably won't decide on that until right before the game. Whatever I decide, just know, I'm going to be wrong. But I'll also be drunk, so I won't give a fuck.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Gambling Heaven Vs Gambling Hell
It would be the ecstasy of gold, or it would be the torment and the torture.
Do I even have the balls to do it?
Since the donks/ravens line opened at 4, it has since dropped an entire point. It currently stands at Den +3, Bal -3. I like this line a lot better. In fact, if it drops any lower, even just to -2.5, I'm taking the ravens with the pts and I'm not looking back. Or am I?
Despite every fiber of my being telling me not to do it, I'm actually considering taking the moneyline on the donks. Damn it, I just vomited in my mouth again.
It would be the greatest gambling joy ever if it worked. Could you imagine if I dropped $200+ on the donks to win, and they did? Not only would I be thrilled at the donks victory, but I'd bank off it as well. It would be the ultimate, gambling high. Of course, if I bet on the donks and they losi...it would be a kick square in the nuts. I'd end up rolling on the ground cradling my boys, screaming like Nancy Kerrigan. "Why? Why? Why?"
No one needs to see that.
I am truly torn. But not just with the donks game.
Clv +14, Chi -14- It's the sucker bet of all sucker bets, but I'm considering it. I'd bet Clv with the moneyline. There's no way it wins. None. Don't even entertain the idea. Of course, if the browns did, by some miracle, find a way to win... Nope. No chance. I'd just be throwing my money away, but I'd be OK with that. It's fun to play sucker bets sometimes. No, really.
Speaking of sucker bets, I love the moneylines. Look at these games- Hou -3.5, Buf +3.5. Mia +3.5, NyJ -3.5. Jac +3, Ten -3. Min +3, Gb -3. Call me a tool, but I think I might moneyline every single one of those. I'm not kidding.
I like Ari -10 over Car. Kinda. I like Sea +10 at Dal. Sort of. I guess I'd take Ind -13 over Sf. I guess. The San Diego/Oakland line scares the shit out of me. Oak +17/Sd -17. Damn.
But it all comes down to Denver at Baltimore. Is it worth the risk? Is it worth the potential heartbreak? Or do I avoid this game entirely and put all my money on the Giants to beat the Eagles?
There are some tough fucking choices ahead.
Do I even have the balls to do it?
Since the donks/ravens line opened at 4, it has since dropped an entire point. It currently stands at Den +3, Bal -3. I like this line a lot better. In fact, if it drops any lower, even just to -2.5, I'm taking the ravens with the pts and I'm not looking back. Or am I?
Despite every fiber of my being telling me not to do it, I'm actually considering taking the moneyline on the donks. Damn it, I just vomited in my mouth again.
It would be the greatest gambling joy ever if it worked. Could you imagine if I dropped $200+ on the donks to win, and they did? Not only would I be thrilled at the donks victory, but I'd bank off it as well. It would be the ultimate, gambling high. Of course, if I bet on the donks and they losi...it would be a kick square in the nuts. I'd end up rolling on the ground cradling my boys, screaming like Nancy Kerrigan. "Why? Why? Why?"
No one needs to see that.
I am truly torn. But not just with the donks game.
Clv +14, Chi -14- It's the sucker bet of all sucker bets, but I'm considering it. I'd bet Clv with the moneyline. There's no way it wins. None. Don't even entertain the idea. Of course, if the browns did, by some miracle, find a way to win... Nope. No chance. I'd just be throwing my money away, but I'd be OK with that. It's fun to play sucker bets sometimes. No, really.
Speaking of sucker bets, I love the moneylines. Look at these games- Hou -3.5, Buf +3.5. Mia +3.5, NyJ -3.5. Jac +3, Ten -3. Min +3, Gb -3. Call me a tool, but I think I might moneyline every single one of those. I'm not kidding.
I like Ari -10 over Car. Kinda. I like Sea +10 at Dal. Sort of. I guess I'd take Ind -13 over Sf. I guess. The San Diego/Oakland line scares the shit out of me. Oak +17/Sd -17. Damn.
But it all comes down to Denver at Baltimore. Is it worth the risk? Is it worth the potential heartbreak? Or do I avoid this game entirely and put all my money on the Giants to beat the Eagles?
There are some tough fucking choices ahead.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Vegas' Revenge (Part II)- Triple L Loses His Mojo
Vegas knows what I know.
Vegas knows that the Broncos are overrated. Vegas knows that the donks are due for a reality check.
Vegas also knows what I was planning.
See, this is what should have happened- the 6-0 donks should have been favored over the 3-3 ravens. Maybe by 3. Maybe even 3.5. That was step #1. Step #2 was me strolling into the sportsbook and dropping a few hundred dollars on a Baltimore moneyline bet. Step #3 (and this was going to be my favorite step) was me collecting my winnings and buying all my peeps lap dances.
Yeah, that was what was supposed to happen. One problem. Vegas knows.
Ravens by 4.
Now I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm rattled. They got in my head. Do I bet on the ravens covering? Do I take the points with the donks? Do I, dare I say it, throw down a Broncos to win bet?
Oh yuck, I just vomited in my mouth.
Vegas got me and they got me good. Looking at the lines, I'm stupefied. It's all Greek to me. I'm as confused as an adolescent male trying to unfasten his first girlfriend's bra.
My instinct is to grab the moneylines, take the underdogs, but I don't know.
Look at these lines- Vikes +3 at Gb. Mia +3.5 at NyJ. My instincts tell me to take the moneyline and never look back. But my confidence is shot. My security blanket is gone.
Vegas knows what I know, and they know I know they know.
Vegas knows that the Broncos are overrated. Vegas knows that the donks are due for a reality check.
Vegas also knows what I was planning.
See, this is what should have happened- the 6-0 donks should have been favored over the 3-3 ravens. Maybe by 3. Maybe even 3.5. That was step #1. Step #2 was me strolling into the sportsbook and dropping a few hundred dollars on a Baltimore moneyline bet. Step #3 (and this was going to be my favorite step) was me collecting my winnings and buying all my peeps lap dances.
Yeah, that was what was supposed to happen. One problem. Vegas knows.
Ravens by 4.
Now I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm rattled. They got in my head. Do I bet on the ravens covering? Do I take the points with the donks? Do I, dare I say it, throw down a Broncos to win bet?
Oh yuck, I just vomited in my mouth.
Vegas got me and they got me good. Looking at the lines, I'm stupefied. It's all Greek to me. I'm as confused as an adolescent male trying to unfasten his first girlfriend's bra.
My instinct is to grab the moneylines, take the underdogs, but I don't know.
Look at these lines- Vikes +3 at Gb. Mia +3.5 at NyJ. My instincts tell me to take the moneyline and never look back. But my confidence is shot. My security blanket is gone.
Vegas knows what I know, and they know I know they know.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I Didn't Realize
I didn't know this until Steph pointed it out to me- the time change will occur while we're in Vegas. That means we get an extra hour of Sin City! It means we get to sleep in an extra hour the morning we get up early to secure good seats at the sportsbook!
I don't know why this makes me so happy, but it does. I think it's an omen.
Greatest Vegas trip ever.
I don't know why this makes me so happy, but it does. I think it's an omen.
Greatest Vegas trip ever.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Random Thoughts (and Line Bets)
I had a really weird dream the other night, and I'd like to share it with you if you don't mind. Don't worry, I'll give you the cliff notes version.
If Daniel is cool with it, I'm going to go ahead and use his sentence. The rest of the book will suck, but at least it'll start off good.
-- I really want to talk Vegas, but first let me get these stupid week 7 picks out of the way. I was 4-3 last week (my best performance yet), putting me at a dismal 12-19 for the year. My goal is to be better than .500 by the end of the season. Yeah, that's not happening. Actually, I don't care how I do for the year. What matters is how well I do next week when it really counts. Anyway, here are my picks.
Clv +9.5 Vs Gb- So here's my theory- the Browns are the best of the worst. They're awful, but there not as bad as Vegas seems to think they are. So until I'm wrong about this, I'm going to take points with the Browns and assume that though they will lose, they won't lose as bad as predicted.
Stl +14 Vs Ind- I'm cringing even as I type this, but something tells me that the Rams get their shit together just enough this week to make a game of this. Again, I'm not picking the Rams to win, only to lose by 13 pts or less. I know, I know. Manning is going to torch them and I'll probably look the fool. I told you I was lousy at this.
Pit -5.5 Vs Min- Here's why I'm taking the Steelers- because the gambling gods know I want the Vikes to win, and thus they won't let it happen. If the vikes were to win, they'd go to Green Bay next week undefeated, setting up the perfect moneyline bet. Just imagine, Bret Favre going back to Lambeau at 7-0. The Vikes would be favored, and I'd bet heavy on the pack. But NO. The vikes will lose to the Steelers and next week's line won't be worth betting. Lame.
Oak +6.5 Vs NyJ- Something strange is happening in Oakland, and I don't like it. The jets had better not let these punks win.
NyG -7 Vs Ari- Fuck if I know.
The Vegas Attack Plan- I've been thinking about Vegas for weeks now, and I think I've finally come up with my strategy for the big weekend. First off, I'm going to keep a detailed account of all my wagers. No more estimating how much I'm up or down. When the weekend is over I'm going to know exactly how I did, good or bad, and I'm going to post the results right here for all the world to see (the world being the three people who read this).
Here's what I'm thinking- I'm going to start with $100 walking around money (or in other words, slot money). Since we'll probably be wandering around on Halloween night, I figure I'll set aside some cash to play random slots just for the fuck of it. A couple of bucks here, a couple there. Maybe a high limits machine or two. Whatever whatever, I'll do what i want. So basically, I pretty much plan to start off the trip down a hundred. Hey, it's for a good cause.
Next I'm going to throw down about $100 on a couple of Saturday games. Most likely it'll be on hockey, but I might dabble a bit with college football as well. According to Zach, Buffalo over the NY Islanders and Montreal over Toronto are solid bets. Maybe I'll parley them. It's going to get crazy, folks.
The rest of my money will go to betting Pro Football, and most of that to betting against the donks. I know it seems crazy with the donks being 6-0 (both in wins for the season and against the lines), but my gut still tells me that they can't win in Baltimore. Everyone and their pet chinchilla has been warning me not to bet against the donks, and I can see their point. This isn't the same donks team that always lost to the Jags, or the team that always got blown out by the Chargers. This isn't a team I can just assume is overrated.
That being said, this team is highly overrated. They're this years Tennessee Titans. Sure they'll finish with a pretty good record, but they'll just get bumped by the first team they play in the playoffs.
Hey, betting against the donks is what I do. It's who I am. It's in my blood. Just like I'll always be certain that the plane I'm on is going to crash, I'll always be certain that the donks are going to choke.
So I'm pushing all my chips in. Well, a lot of them anyway. And for those of you ready to pronounce me a fool, I have two words for you. Kyle Orton. The man is due. He's due for a game filled with mistakes, with picks and fumbles and sacks galore. He's due for a game that reminds everyone who he is. He's Kyle "can someone please hand me a tissue" Orton.
Against the Ravens, it will finally happen, and I'm going to be in Vegas to bank on it when it does.
And if the donks do somehow win, well it's only money. Well, Steph's hard earned money. But she won't mind. She'll be just as happy as I will be that the donks are 7-0.
Basically, I dreamt that I had died, and that I was sent to Hell. Waiting for me at the gates to Hell was Bill Cosby who was assigned to be my guide and show me around. Bill was very unhappy to have to do this, and he didn't put much effort into it. He just pointed and said, "there's the lake of fire" and "there's the smoldering abyss", without any kind of enthusiasm what so ever. He was very unpleasant, and no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he refused to say, "Eat the pudding." What a dick.
-- Here's a riddle for you: Who has two thumbs and is going to the Giants/Broncos game on Thanksgiving Day? Answer: This guy! (Oh, you should picture me pointing at myself with my thumbs. Thanks). I'm super psyched. I got the tickets from one of my customers at the bank. He can't go to the game because he's spending the week in Mexico, and so he asked if I'd like to buy them from him. I said, "Fuck yeah." The next thing you know, I'm handing him cash and he's handing me tickets. Crazy cool, right? Of course, chances are pretty strong that I'll die in a plane crash next week and won't get to go. In case that happens, I'd like to make it official right now that I want the tickets to go to whoever calls me a tool the most times at my funeral.
-- As most of you may have heard, Daniel and I had a wager going last week as to which of our teams would win in our Core de la Hard fantasy football league. I thought his team would win, and he thought mine would. Of course, I won. Daniel is a fantasy football genius. The terms of the bet were that whoever lost would have to write the first sentence of the Mace of Dominion. Well, that and the winner gets to pick the loser's first drink in Vegas. Just today I received Daniel's opening to the MoD, and I have to say it's damn good. But don't take my word for it. Read it yourself.
"An ill wind billowed from the mouths of the Caverns of Chaos, spinning gnarled balls of devil's briar across the plains of Abaddon, breezing unnoticed past the impervious midnight black Tower of Sedimm, which failed even to reflect the silvery splotches of dueling moonlight that adorned the barren rocky landscape." -- Daniel C.
If Daniel is cool with it, I'm going to go ahead and use his sentence. The rest of the book will suck, but at least it'll start off good.
-- I really want to talk Vegas, but first let me get these stupid week 7 picks out of the way. I was 4-3 last week (my best performance yet), putting me at a dismal 12-19 for the year. My goal is to be better than .500 by the end of the season. Yeah, that's not happening. Actually, I don't care how I do for the year. What matters is how well I do next week when it really counts. Anyway, here are my picks.
Clv +9.5 Vs Gb- So here's my theory- the Browns are the best of the worst. They're awful, but there not as bad as Vegas seems to think they are. So until I'm wrong about this, I'm going to take points with the Browns and assume that though they will lose, they won't lose as bad as predicted.
Stl +14 Vs Ind- I'm cringing even as I type this, but something tells me that the Rams get their shit together just enough this week to make a game of this. Again, I'm not picking the Rams to win, only to lose by 13 pts or less. I know, I know. Manning is going to torch them and I'll probably look the fool. I told you I was lousy at this.
Pit -5.5 Vs Min- Here's why I'm taking the Steelers- because the gambling gods know I want the Vikes to win, and thus they won't let it happen. If the vikes were to win, they'd go to Green Bay next week undefeated, setting up the perfect moneyline bet. Just imagine, Bret Favre going back to Lambeau at 7-0. The Vikes would be favored, and I'd bet heavy on the pack. But NO. The vikes will lose to the Steelers and next week's line won't be worth betting. Lame.
Oak +6.5 Vs NyJ- Something strange is happening in Oakland, and I don't like it. The jets had better not let these punks win.
NyG -7 Vs Ari- Fuck if I know.
The Vegas Attack Plan- I've been thinking about Vegas for weeks now, and I think I've finally come up with my strategy for the big weekend. First off, I'm going to keep a detailed account of all my wagers. No more estimating how much I'm up or down. When the weekend is over I'm going to know exactly how I did, good or bad, and I'm going to post the results right here for all the world to see (the world being the three people who read this).
Here's what I'm thinking- I'm going to start with $100 walking around money (or in other words, slot money). Since we'll probably be wandering around on Halloween night, I figure I'll set aside some cash to play random slots just for the fuck of it. A couple of bucks here, a couple there. Maybe a high limits machine or two. Whatever whatever, I'll do what i want. So basically, I pretty much plan to start off the trip down a hundred. Hey, it's for a good cause.
Next I'm going to throw down about $100 on a couple of Saturday games. Most likely it'll be on hockey, but I might dabble a bit with college football as well. According to Zach, Buffalo over the NY Islanders and Montreal over Toronto are solid bets. Maybe I'll parley them. It's going to get crazy, folks.
The rest of my money will go to betting Pro Football, and most of that to betting against the donks. I know it seems crazy with the donks being 6-0 (both in wins for the season and against the lines), but my gut still tells me that they can't win in Baltimore. Everyone and their pet chinchilla has been warning me not to bet against the donks, and I can see their point. This isn't the same donks team that always lost to the Jags, or the team that always got blown out by the Chargers. This isn't a team I can just assume is overrated.
That being said, this team is highly overrated. They're this years Tennessee Titans. Sure they'll finish with a pretty good record, but they'll just get bumped by the first team they play in the playoffs.
Hey, betting against the donks is what I do. It's who I am. It's in my blood. Just like I'll always be certain that the plane I'm on is going to crash, I'll always be certain that the donks are going to choke.
So I'm pushing all my chips in. Well, a lot of them anyway. And for those of you ready to pronounce me a fool, I have two words for you. Kyle Orton. The man is due. He's due for a game filled with mistakes, with picks and fumbles and sacks galore. He's due for a game that reminds everyone who he is. He's Kyle "can someone please hand me a tissue" Orton.
Against the Ravens, it will finally happen, and I'm going to be in Vegas to bank on it when it does.
And if the donks do somehow win, well it's only money. Well, Steph's hard earned money. But she won't mind. She'll be just as happy as I will be that the donks are 7-0.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Vegas' Revenge
Everyone's favorite Dr. Evil Chris must be laughing it up right now. He's probably lounging at some Indonesian beach resort with a couple of topless beach babes and sipping on Balinese rice wine, all while enjoying a good laugh at his cruel joke in having me pick the lines again.
I'm glad he's stuck in paradise, drinking coconut milk off the tits of sun-soaked hotties while he searches in vain to find a WiFi hotspot that doesn't exist. If he was back in Japan, or anywhere with Internet and phone service for that matter, we'd probably have a bet going for this week's donks/bolts match up, which would inevitably end with me having to write the Mace of Dominion. Chris will not rest until I have completely exposed my full range of ineptness to the world.
I was 3-4 in my mighty return, putting me at 9-16 for the year. I realize now this is more than just a slump. This is a curse. I'm trapped in a horror movie called, "Vegas' Revenge", a low budget B movie staring Vincent Price, Pam Grier, and myself. It's about a sports betting tool who after several successful trips to Las Vegas has discovered that the gambling gods are onto him and have decided his luck has run out. Already, the cruel and heartless gambling gods have slain my fantasy football teams, hunting them down one by one and leaving them in a pool of blood and guts. Now all that's left is the final showdown in Vegas where the gambling gods will chase me through the sportsbooks with knives and chainsaws, and then finally bleed me dry. I just hope there's a couple of tit shots in the movie to make it worth renting some time.
Here are this week's picks, because I'm obligated to post them.
Bal +3 at Minn- Favre is due for a bad game, and I just don't believe that the NFC is as good as the AFC. But what the fuck do I know?
Clv +14 at Pit- Taking pts on the high lines is going to be the death of me. Even lines this steep can be covered. Just look at the giants and eagles kicking ass last week. Throwing down a Benjamin on a super long shot in Vegas doesn't seem like such a good idea any more. Maybe I should drop it down a few tiers to a slight underdog. Nah. What fun is that? I'll roll like I always do. Parley bets and money lines, baby! And this time, I go for broke on a sucker bet. We haven't seen the week of big upsets yet. Hopefully it'll come on November 1st.
KC +6.5 at Was- Fuck if I know.
NyG +3 at NO- I like the giants D better than I do the Saints. That's the only reason I'm taking the points here.
Sea -3 over Ari- Seattle is a tough place to play, and Arizona is all over the place. One week they're good, the next week they suck. Well, this week they suck.
Atl -3 over Chi- I just don't trust Cutler on the road. Plus, Forte isn't the back he was last year (as my records in fantasy football clearly show). Throw in Turner starting to find his groove and you got yourself a Falcon's win.
Sd -4 Over Den- It's a lock! You can bet your kidneys on it. 
I'm glad he's stuck in paradise, drinking coconut milk off the tits of sun-soaked hotties while he searches in vain to find a WiFi hotspot that doesn't exist. If he was back in Japan, or anywhere with Internet and phone service for that matter, we'd probably have a bet going for this week's donks/bolts match up, which would inevitably end with me having to write the Mace of Dominion. Chris will not rest until I have completely exposed my full range of ineptness to the world.
I was 3-4 in my mighty return, putting me at 9-16 for the year. I realize now this is more than just a slump. This is a curse. I'm trapped in a horror movie called, "Vegas' Revenge", a low budget B movie staring Vincent Price, Pam Grier, and myself. It's about a sports betting tool who after several successful trips to Las Vegas has discovered that the gambling gods are onto him and have decided his luck has run out. Already, the cruel and heartless gambling gods have slain my fantasy football teams, hunting them down one by one and leaving them in a pool of blood and guts. Now all that's left is the final showdown in Vegas where the gambling gods will chase me through the sportsbooks with knives and chainsaws, and then finally bleed me dry. I just hope there's a couple of tit shots in the movie to make it worth renting some time.
Here are this week's picks, because I'm obligated to post them.
Bal +3 at Minn- Favre is due for a bad game, and I just don't believe that the NFC is as good as the AFC. But what the fuck do I know?
Clv +14 at Pit- Taking pts on the high lines is going to be the death of me. Even lines this steep can be covered. Just look at the giants and eagles kicking ass last week. Throwing down a Benjamin on a super long shot in Vegas doesn't seem like such a good idea any more. Maybe I should drop it down a few tiers to a slight underdog. Nah. What fun is that? I'll roll like I always do. Parley bets and money lines, baby! And this time, I go for broke on a sucker bet. We haven't seen the week of big upsets yet. Hopefully it'll come on November 1st.
KC +6.5 at Was- Fuck if I know.
NyG +3 at NO- I like the giants D better than I do the Saints. That's the only reason I'm taking the points here.
Sea -3 over Ari- Seattle is a tough place to play, and Arizona is all over the place. One week they're good, the next week they suck. Well, this week they suck.
Atl -3 over Chi- I just don't trust Cutler on the road. Plus, Forte isn't the back he was last year (as my records in fantasy football clearly show). Throw in Turner starting to find his groove and you got yourself a Falcon's win.
Sd -4 Over Den- It's a lock! You can bet your kidneys on it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
With Apologies to the Byrds
To everything. Turn. Turn. Turn.
There is a season. Turn. Turn. Turn.
A time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to go 4-0, then lose the next ten.
A time to have lesbian sex (while your husband watches).
A time to watch the new "V" series on ABC (I'm super excited).
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.
I was singing various versions of the classic Byrds song in my head today and it got me thinking. Maybe it's time I started making line bets again. Maybe, just maybe, giving up so early on them was a bad idea.
Actually, it was a great idea. I suck at picking lines. But that damn doctor won yet another bet with me, and now I have to pay up by making picks the rest of the year. Yeah, I know. What the fuck kind of terms is that? That's about as lame as a pg-13 movie. Well, that's what the doc wanted, so that's what he gets. He must really enjoy my public displays of ineptness.
So, despite me misgivings about this, I present to you my Week 5 picks.
Cin +9 at Bal- Call me a tool, but I just don't see a blowout in this one. The ravens will win, but I think the bungles will at least keep it close. In fact, I predict that the bungles will be winning for most of the game, only to lose at the end. They won't lose by 9+ pts though. More like 3.
Car -4 against Was- The redskins are awful. And they're on the road. And their quarterback is Jason Campbell, who's almost as bad as Kyle Orton. Despite his fetish for throwing to the other team, I think Delhomme will get enough passes to Steve Smith to carry the Panthers to a td or better win. So let tit be written, so let tit be done.
Tampa Bay +15 at Phi- This is an old school Lance pick. I'm not making this pick because I think the Bucs can hang with the eagles. Hell no. I'm making this pick because I really really really need McNabb to do well for me in fantasy this week, and this is my feeble attempt to reverse jinx him. Knowing my luck, Mcnabb will take a shot to his ribs and leave the game early, and then Kolb will go into the game and lead the eagles to a 16+ pt victory. Will the football godz ever grant me mercy?
Atl +2.5 at Sf- I refuse to believe in the 49ers. Refuse!
Ne -3.5 at Den- Do I even need to explain this one? Its Tom Brady vs Kyle "I think I left the stove on" Orton. The donks defense is highly overrated and will be exposed this week. Plus, Orton is due for an interception or five. It's a lock.
Ind -4.5 at Ten- I'm riding the colts train until it derails.
Oak +15.5 against NyG- Wow. How bad are the raiders? They're playing at home against a team that will most likely sit their starting qb, and yet they're still more than a two touchdown underdog. Now that's bad. For reasons though I can not explain, I think this one will be close. My gut says this is a fg game. Giants win by 9, maybe 10. Not by 16.
There is a season. Turn. Turn. Turn.
A time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to go 4-0, then lose the next ten.
A time to have lesbian sex (while your husband watches).
A time to watch the new "V" series on ABC (I'm super excited).
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.
I was singing various versions of the classic Byrds song in my head today and it got me thinking. Maybe it's time I started making line bets again. Maybe, just maybe, giving up so early on them was a bad idea.
Actually, it was a great idea. I suck at picking lines. But that damn doctor won yet another bet with me, and now I have to pay up by making picks the rest of the year. Yeah, I know. What the fuck kind of terms is that? That's about as lame as a pg-13 movie. Well, that's what the doc wanted, so that's what he gets. He must really enjoy my public displays of ineptness.
So, despite me misgivings about this, I present to you my Week 5 picks.
Cin +9 at Bal- Call me a tool, but I just don't see a blowout in this one. The ravens will win, but I think the bungles will at least keep it close. In fact, I predict that the bungles will be winning for most of the game, only to lose at the end. They won't lose by 9+ pts though. More like 3.
Car -4 against Was- The redskins are awful. And they're on the road. And their quarterback is Jason Campbell, who's almost as bad as Kyle Orton. Despite his fetish for throwing to the other team, I think Delhomme will get enough passes to Steve Smith to carry the Panthers to a td or better win. So let tit be written, so let tit be done.
Tampa Bay +15 at Phi- This is an old school Lance pick. I'm not making this pick because I think the Bucs can hang with the eagles. Hell no. I'm making this pick because I really really really need McNabb to do well for me in fantasy this week, and this is my feeble attempt to reverse jinx him. Knowing my luck, Mcnabb will take a shot to his ribs and leave the game early, and then Kolb will go into the game and lead the eagles to a 16+ pt victory. Will the football godz ever grant me mercy?
Atl +2.5 at Sf- I refuse to believe in the 49ers. Refuse!
Ne -3.5 at Den- Do I even need to explain this one? Its Tom Brady vs Kyle "I think I left the stove on" Orton. The donks defense is highly overrated and will be exposed this week. Plus, Orton is due for an interception or five. It's a lock.
Ind -4.5 at Ten- I'm riding the colts train until it derails.
Oak +15.5 against NyG- Wow. How bad are the raiders? They're playing at home against a team that will most likely sit their starting qb, and yet they're still more than a two touchdown underdog. Now that's bad. For reasons though I can not explain, I think this one will be close. My gut says this is a fg game. Giants win by 9, maybe 10. Not by 16.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Random Thoughts
Where is my mind? Out in the water I see it swimming...
-- Sign #247 that I'm an alcoholic- the smell of booze on my customers makes me jealous. It used to be that some customer would stumble to my window smelling like beer and I would think, "How pathetic are you, pal?" Now I get a whiff of beer from a customer and I think, "Damn, I want a beer." Bad sign.
-- Billy Talent is the greatest punk band of all time. There, I said it. Steph, Zach, and I hit up the Billy show last week at the Gothic and it was a little slice of punk rock heaven. The band threw down a vicious set, and it was easily my favorite Billy show so far. Very cool. One of the highlights of the evening came when Zach decided to banter a bit with the band. We were sitting on the left side of the balcony section which hangs nearly over the stage, so it was easy for Zach to shout at the band and be heard. Between songs, the lead singer of Billy asked if anyone in the audience watched "True Blood". Steph, Zach, and I all do, so of course we screamed an affirmative. He then mentioned that he couldn't help but notice how often the lead vampire character growls his girlfriend's name in every episode. "Sookie," Mr. Bill Compton will groan about every thirty seconds. This is why I made a drinking game out of the show. Every time Mr. Compton growls his girlfriend's name everyone takes a shot. Anyway, Zach mentioned this to Billy's lead singer (yelling down to the band that it's a drinking game), and Billy replied, "Holy shit, you'd be shitfaced in no time." A week later and I'm still amazed at the strange collision of my various, personal pop-culture interests. I can only hope that the next time Billy Talent watches True Blood they're playing my drinking game.
-- I'm done. No more picking the lines. After three weeks of putrid picks, I'm a miserable 6-12. Ouch. I officially suck. The magic is gone. I think in Vegas I'll play a lot of keno.
-- Speaking of bad bets, Steph and I played in a kick ass poker tournament last Saturday. It was hosted by Debbie's brother, and there were about 28 players total. The buy-in was $20, so the pot was quite big. I didn't fair too well, which isn't much of a surprise. As most of you know, I'm not very good at poker. It's all the luck of the draw for me. I can't bluff, and I can't read the other players. Well, I made it to the second table, but I was quickly bounced after that chasing after a flush. It was fun though, and I plan to attend again if given the invite. Mark (Debbie's brother) has a beautiful home, and his basement made me jizz in my pants. There were three, plush poker tables, flat screen TVs playing the Rockies game on seemingly every wall, and a keg fridge where I spent most of my time suckling from the spout.
-- Sign #182 that I'm an alcoholic- I'm giving myself exemptions from my no drinking rule for the month of October. But only two. One will be for the cowboys/donks game next week, which Tad and I will be attending. How the hell can I go to a donks game and not drink beer? That would be like going to an orgy an only doing some heavy petting. The other will either be a Sorenson beer party (some of you know him a Seventh in the Steak or Death fantasy league) or my second try at Mark's poker tournaments, whichever one of those I decide to attend. Other than that, I won't drink a drop. Well, except for Vegas of course.
-- One last thing before I let you be. Steph, Matt L., and I will be at the Rockies game tomorrow. Everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. hooked us up with some great seats for Matt's b-day. We'll be sitting in the club section right next to the press box, so there's a chance we might end up on TV. If you have a chance, tune in and see if you can spot us.
-- Lance is a tool.
-- Sign #247 that I'm an alcoholic- the smell of booze on my customers makes me jealous. It used to be that some customer would stumble to my window smelling like beer and I would think, "How pathetic are you, pal?" Now I get a whiff of beer from a customer and I think, "Damn, I want a beer." Bad sign.
-- Billy Talent is the greatest punk band of all time. There, I said it. Steph, Zach, and I hit up the Billy show last week at the Gothic and it was a little slice of punk rock heaven. The band threw down a vicious set, and it was easily my favorite Billy show so far. Very cool. One of the highlights of the evening came when Zach decided to banter a bit with the band. We were sitting on the left side of the balcony section which hangs nearly over the stage, so it was easy for Zach to shout at the band and be heard. Between songs, the lead singer of Billy asked if anyone in the audience watched "True Blood". Steph, Zach, and I all do, so of course we screamed an affirmative. He then mentioned that he couldn't help but notice how often the lead vampire character growls his girlfriend's name in every episode. "Sookie," Mr. Bill Compton will groan about every thirty seconds. This is why I made a drinking game out of the show. Every time Mr. Compton growls his girlfriend's name everyone takes a shot. Anyway, Zach mentioned this to Billy's lead singer (yelling down to the band that it's a drinking game), and Billy replied, "Holy shit, you'd be shitfaced in no time." A week later and I'm still amazed at the strange collision of my various, personal pop-culture interests. I can only hope that the next time Billy Talent watches True Blood they're playing my drinking game.
-- I'm done. No more picking the lines. After three weeks of putrid picks, I'm a miserable 6-12. Ouch. I officially suck. The magic is gone. I think in Vegas I'll play a lot of keno.
-- Speaking of bad bets, Steph and I played in a kick ass poker tournament last Saturday. It was hosted by Debbie's brother, and there were about 28 players total. The buy-in was $20, so the pot was quite big. I didn't fair too well, which isn't much of a surprise. As most of you know, I'm not very good at poker. It's all the luck of the draw for me. I can't bluff, and I can't read the other players. Well, I made it to the second table, but I was quickly bounced after that chasing after a flush. It was fun though, and I plan to attend again if given the invite. Mark (Debbie's brother) has a beautiful home, and his basement made me jizz in my pants. There were three, plush poker tables, flat screen TVs playing the Rockies game on seemingly every wall, and a keg fridge where I spent most of my time suckling from the spout.
-- Sign #182 that I'm an alcoholic- I'm giving myself exemptions from my no drinking rule for the month of October. But only two. One will be for the cowboys/donks game next week, which Tad and I will be attending. How the hell can I go to a donks game and not drink beer? That would be like going to an orgy an only doing some heavy petting. The other will either be a Sorenson beer party (some of you know him a Seventh in the Steak or Death fantasy league) or my second try at Mark's poker tournaments, whichever one of those I decide to attend. Other than that, I won't drink a drop. Well, except for Vegas of course.
-- One last thing before I let you be. Steph, Matt L., and I will be at the Rockies game tomorrow. Everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. hooked us up with some great seats for Matt's b-day. We'll be sitting in the club section right next to the press box, so there's a chance we might end up on TV. If you have a chance, tune in and see if you can spot us.
-- Lance is a tool.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Weak/Week 3 Picks
5-7. I'm as bad at picking lines as I am at writing. Oh well. Let's try it again...
Atl +4.5 against Ne- My guess is that this will be a very high scoring game, but that ultimately the falcons will either win or will at least keep it close. Gotta take the points on this one.
Hou -4 against Jac- The jags burned me last week by getting blown out at home to the cards. Meanwhile Houston threw down a billion points on tenn, all while Matt Charles Schaub was on my bench in two different leagues. This week I start Schaub and I win this line.
Ten +2.5 against the NyJ- OK, maybe I'm a moron about this, but I refuse to believe in the jets. Last year it was Miami, this year its J-E-T-S. They could go undefeated and I'd still tell you they suck donkey balls. I'm glad they beat the pats though.
Chi -2.5 against Sea- Here's where all the talk about the Cutler/Orton trade turns back in favor of Cutler. Maybe all the idiot customers I help at the bank will finally shut up about how great they think Orton is.
Oak -1 over Den- It's a lock. A gimme. A sure fucking thing. I may miss on the rest of the lines, but I'll win this one.
Mia +6 over Sd- Everyones favorite Dr. Chris L. says that taking points against the bolts is the sure way to win a line bet. I'm going to trust that his nay saying is not a product of hate-goggles, but is an accurate reading of a professional sports team by a true fan that knows them better than they know themselves.
Atl +4.5 against Ne- My guess is that this will be a very high scoring game, but that ultimately the falcons will either win or will at least keep it close. Gotta take the points on this one.
Hou -4 against Jac- The jags burned me last week by getting blown out at home to the cards. Meanwhile Houston threw down a billion points on tenn, all while Matt Charles Schaub was on my bench in two different leagues. This week I start Schaub and I win this line.
Ten +2.5 against the NyJ- OK, maybe I'm a moron about this, but I refuse to believe in the jets. Last year it was Miami, this year its J-E-T-S. They could go undefeated and I'd still tell you they suck donkey balls. I'm glad they beat the pats though.
Chi -2.5 against Sea- Here's where all the talk about the Cutler/Orton trade turns back in favor of Cutler. Maybe all the idiot customers I help at the bank will finally shut up about how great they think Orton is.
Oak -1 over Den- It's a lock. A gimme. A sure fucking thing. I may miss on the rest of the lines, but I'll win this one.
Mia +6 over Sd- Everyones favorite Dr. Chris L. says that taking points against the bolts is the sure way to win a line bet. I'm going to trust that his nay saying is not a product of hate-goggles, but is an accurate reading of a professional sports team by a true fan that knows them better than they know themselves.
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