Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I was hoping for a 69
Damn I'm lazy. I haven't posted a blog since Feb. 6th.
Did you miss me? I didn't think so. Don't worry, I'm just checking in for a brief update.
After finishing up the last 4 of the 40 hours of job shadowing I have to do, I headed over to the Red Rocks campus today to take the Accuplacer exam required for my application into the sonography program. It's the first time I've been to campus during regular school hours, and let me tell you, it was fucking weird. There were students everywhere- and every one of them was smoking a cigarette and kicking a hacky sack. It looked like a Greatful Dead concert. Kids were sprawled out on the lawns soaking up the sun, making out, and pretty much doing everything but studying. It's not that I fault them for it, but it was bizarre to watch. I just kept thinking, "man, that was me eight years ago, sitting around doing nothing." You know, minus the cigarettes and the hacky sacks. Nor was I making out with any girls.
It's sad, but those kids I saw on campus today are getting more out of their education than I did.
So I took the exam. There were three sections to the test- reading comprehension, sentence skills, and algebra. The first two sections I did fairly well on. I scored a 111 in reading comprehension and 119 in sentence skills. I needed scores of 90 for both, so I guess I did decent enough. The algebra section however bent me over the table and had its way with me. No foreplay. No lube. Just straight to the rough stuff. It was ugly.
I needed an 85. I scored a 67. Sad.
No worries though. I can retake the test as many times as I want. And on the advice of one of the counselors there, I'm going to pick-up "Algebra for Dummies" to refresh my math skills. Supposedly students will often double their scores after studying the book and retaking their test. Yeah, sure. Whatever.
I'm thinking about buying a hacky sack. 
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I Think I'm Dying Here, Man
With only a day left until the Super Bowl, I'm frothing at the mouth to put money on the big game. It's killing me not to bet on the Super Bowl. A Super Bowl without gambling would be like Christmas without presents. It would be like some hot chick asking you if you want a blow job and saying, "No thanks." It's wrong. It's wrong in every possible way.
And yet, another Super Bowl is going to pass where I won't have any action on it.
When I'm finally named king, the first thing I'm going to do is make sports betting legal. Not only that, but I'll make it a tax write-off.
The line is colts by 4.5. Gimme! Gimme! The colts will win by a TD easily. They'll probably win by two. Put me down for $500!
The worst part about missing out on betting the Super Bowl are all the cool prop bets that could be had. Here are a few I would take...
First Scoring Play of the Game- A NO FG. $10 pays $45
Winning Margin- Colts by 11-15 pts. $10 pays $70
Player to Score the First TD- Pierre Garcon, IND WR. $10 pays- $100
Total TD Passes by Payton Manning- 4. $20 pays $100
Fuck it. I'm tired of missing out on sports betting. Next year, I'll open an account, no matter what it takes. Or I'll get a bookie. Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want!
And yet, another Super Bowl is going to pass where I won't have any action on it.
When I'm finally named king, the first thing I'm going to do is make sports betting legal. Not only that, but I'll make it a tax write-off.
The line is colts by 4.5. Gimme! Gimme! The colts will win by a TD easily. They'll probably win by two. Put me down for $500!
The worst part about missing out on betting the Super Bowl are all the cool prop bets that could be had. Here are a few I would take...
First Scoring Play of the Game- A NO FG. $10 pays $45
Winning Margin- Colts by 11-15 pts. $10 pays $70
Player to Score the First TD- Pierre Garcon, IND WR. $10 pays- $100
Total TD Passes by Payton Manning- 4. $20 pays $100
Fuck it. I'm tired of missing out on sports betting. Next year, I'll open an account, no matter what it takes. Or I'll get a bookie. Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Random Thoughts (1-23-10)
I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I still don't have anything worthwhile to say. But as always, that's never stopped me before....
-- Someday, when I'm finally named king, my first decree will be to abolish the pointless ritual of saying "bless you" after someone sneezes. I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. Why the fuck is it my responsibility to wish good fortunes upon someone just because they have a compulsive explosion of air from their lungs through their nose? So what if their nasal mucosa is being irritated by foreign particles? That's no reason for me to wish godly favors upon them. I hardly think a sneeze is worth good tidings of any sort. Really, shouldn't we be cursing people who sneeze near us? After all, they're spreading their unwanted germs through the air and increasing the chances that we'll get sick. Anyway, as soon as everyone agrees that I'm king, no more of that nonsense.
-- My second decree will be the introduction of a new, world holiday- Boobies Day! Damn straight. There is not nearly enough random, female nudity in our lives. Not even close. Seriously, what is with women and their irrational insistence on always wearing clothes? Do they not see how lame life is? Do they not understand how much cooler our lives would be if they would just flash a little nip every once in a while? Just think of how much better this world would be if women were prone to public disrobing. Surely, it would end world hunger. It would definitely end road rage. In all likely hood, we would have peace on earth.
The basics of Boobies Day is this- every Boobies Day (which btw would be April 25th), women 21 years or older would be required by law to flash any man who requests it of them. Basically it would be like Mardi Gras, only without the beads. You see, originally I was going to have Topless Day, where all women would be required, by law mind you, to walk around topless. Well, apparently not everyone is keen on this idea. Several of my soon-to-be subjects have pointed out to me that some women (like grandmas and Rosie O'Donnell) really should stay clothed. Fair enough. So instead, Boobies Day will allow us guys to pick and choose the boobies to be displayed. For those of you who aren't thrilled with this decree- well too fucking bad! I'm the one that's going to be named King soon, so just deal.
-- My third decree- all women are henceforth bisexual. Nothings really changed there, except that women can no longer pretend that they're not down with chicks. It's OK ladies, we're totally cool with it. Honest. So just stop pretending otherwise.
-- Damn it's going to be cool when I'm king.
-- I hate bank customers. You probably know this already. They just won't fucking shut up. Ever. All day long, it's weather this, and sports that. It's fuck Bush and fuck Obama all damn day. Lately though, it's their non-stop talk about global warming that's tempting me to end it all with a quick jab of a pen to my skull. Now, I don't have a dog in the global warming fight. Could be true. Could be a lie. I don't know, nor do I really care. I plan on dying at some point in the next seventy years either way. Really, I'll just go with whatever the Black Tower has to say about it. The customers I help every day though, they know the truth with all certainty. Of course, 99% of them are just spouting whatever the talking heads they listen to say. Whatever. All that is fine. What really gets me though is that no matter who's yapping at me about global warming, and no matter what side their on, they'll always point to that day's weather as proof that their belief is right. If it's warm, the dolt I'm helping will tell me, "And they say global warming isn't real." If it's cold, the person will say, "So much for global warming. It's freezing out there." Really? Am I to believe that these people actually think that the weather in Lakewood Colorado on any given day is proof that global warming is or isn't real? Really?
One quick jab and it'll all be over.
-- I have some news on the book front. I recently e-mailed amazon to inquire about making the Dagger of Lokin available for download on the Kindle. I sent them a few chapters to sample and asked what the process would be. In their reply, Amazon informed me that they would indeed accept the DoL for the kindle, so long as I was willing to pay $2.99 every time someone downloaded the book. Based on the poor quality of the writing, Amazon felt that not only should the book be free for download, but that I should have to pay the customer for downloading and suffering through it. Bummer.
-- I only have two weeks left to finish the prologue for the Mace of Dominion, and I don't have a single sentence of it written yet. There is nothing more terrifying than a blank piece of paper.
-- I hate getting older. I'm only 32 and yet I'm already seeing the signs. My memory is already starting to slip. For instance, I seem to recall vowing to cut back on drinking. Only I'm not sure I really did. My memory of it is just so hazy....
-- Someday, when I am named King of the world, I will appoint someone witty and charming to write my blogs for me, so that none of you have to suffer through this crap again. Hold on peeps, your plight is almost finished.
-- Someday, when I'm finally named king, my first decree will be to abolish the pointless ritual of saying "bless you" after someone sneezes. I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. Why the fuck is it my responsibility to wish good fortunes upon someone just because they have a compulsive explosion of air from their lungs through their nose? So what if their nasal mucosa is being irritated by foreign particles? That's no reason for me to wish godly favors upon them. I hardly think a sneeze is worth good tidings of any sort. Really, shouldn't we be cursing people who sneeze near us? After all, they're spreading their unwanted germs through the air and increasing the chances that we'll get sick. Anyway, as soon as everyone agrees that I'm king, no more of that nonsense.
-- My second decree will be the introduction of a new, world holiday- Boobies Day! Damn straight. There is not nearly enough random, female nudity in our lives. Not even close. Seriously, what is with women and their irrational insistence on always wearing clothes? Do they not see how lame life is? Do they not understand how much cooler our lives would be if they would just flash a little nip every once in a while? Just think of how much better this world would be if women were prone to public disrobing. Surely, it would end world hunger. It would definitely end road rage. In all likely hood, we would have peace on earth.
The basics of Boobies Day is this- every Boobies Day (which btw would be April 25th), women 21 years or older would be required by law to flash any man who requests it of them. Basically it would be like Mardi Gras, only without the beads. You see, originally I was going to have Topless Day, where all women would be required, by law mind you, to walk around topless. Well, apparently not everyone is keen on this idea. Several of my soon-to-be subjects have pointed out to me that some women (like grandmas and Rosie O'Donnell) really should stay clothed. Fair enough. So instead, Boobies Day will allow us guys to pick and choose the boobies to be displayed. For those of you who aren't thrilled with this decree- well too fucking bad! I'm the one that's going to be named King soon, so just deal.
-- My third decree- all women are henceforth bisexual. Nothings really changed there, except that women can no longer pretend that they're not down with chicks. It's OK ladies, we're totally cool with it. Honest. So just stop pretending otherwise.
-- Damn it's going to be cool when I'm king.
-- I hate bank customers. You probably know this already. They just won't fucking shut up. Ever. All day long, it's weather this, and sports that. It's fuck Bush and fuck Obama all damn day. Lately though, it's their non-stop talk about global warming that's tempting me to end it all with a quick jab of a pen to my skull. Now, I don't have a dog in the global warming fight. Could be true. Could be a lie. I don't know, nor do I really care. I plan on dying at some point in the next seventy years either way. Really, I'll just go with whatever the Black Tower has to say about it. The customers I help every day though, they know the truth with all certainty. Of course, 99% of them are just spouting whatever the talking heads they listen to say. Whatever. All that is fine. What really gets me though is that no matter who's yapping at me about global warming, and no matter what side their on, they'll always point to that day's weather as proof that their belief is right. If it's warm, the dolt I'm helping will tell me, "And they say global warming isn't real." If it's cold, the person will say, "So much for global warming. It's freezing out there." Really? Am I to believe that these people actually think that the weather in Lakewood Colorado on any given day is proof that global warming is or isn't real? Really?
One quick jab and it'll all be over.
-- I have some news on the book front. I recently e-mailed amazon to inquire about making the Dagger of Lokin available for download on the Kindle. I sent them a few chapters to sample and asked what the process would be. In their reply, Amazon informed me that they would indeed accept the DoL for the kindle, so long as I was willing to pay $2.99 every time someone downloaded the book. Based on the poor quality of the writing, Amazon felt that not only should the book be free for download, but that I should have to pay the customer for downloading and suffering through it. Bummer.
-- I only have two weeks left to finish the prologue for the Mace of Dominion, and I don't have a single sentence of it written yet. There is nothing more terrifying than a blank piece of paper.
-- I hate getting older. I'm only 32 and yet I'm already seeing the signs. My memory is already starting to slip. For instance, I seem to recall vowing to cut back on drinking. Only I'm not sure I really did. My memory of it is just so hazy....
-- Someday, when I am named King of the world, I will appoint someone witty and charming to write my blogs for me, so that none of you have to suffer through this crap again. Hold on peeps, your plight is almost finished.
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