Two blogs for the price of one! Let's get to it.
The 30 Second Blog-
The following is a word for word conversation one of my customers was having on her cell phone while I helped her today. She came to my window without being called, tossed her bundle of cash ($250 in one dollar bills) across the counter, and proceeded to blah-blah without once saying a word to me. She didn't even look at me. Not once. I may as well not have existed. Which is fine. It gave me ample opportunity to stare at her tits. Anyway, as soon as she left I jotted down everything she'd said.
After tossing her cash to me, she dropped to a crouch, her hands grabbing hold of the counter as if to keep her from falling to the floor. When she finally stopped laughing and stood back up, she said,
"Just rub it all over me. I mean, seriously. Or poke me with it."
"No, I'm serious."
"They even sent some girls home. I think one was pregnant."
"Exactly. I mean, what guy would even want to?
"I know!"
And then she left. Man I love my customers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 5 Minute Blog-
People! You're not nearly as excited about fantasy football as you should be, which is why I'm posting my own top ten player rankings list for you to peruse. As you'll recall, I posted a similar list from yahoo a short while ago, showing you how ridiculous the first round of our upcoming drafts will be (based on the absurdity of who the "experts" think you should pick). Well here now is a list that will help guide you through the maelstrom of potential low value picks and busts. Use it to safely navigate the rift raft in your search for top tier performers. If you do, you will be guaranteed to make the playoffs in whatever league you play. You're welcome.
#1) Trade. Yeah, you read it right. Trade. If you have the #1 pick in your draft, get rid of it. Trade as far down as you can. It may sound ridiculous, but chances are whoever you pick here is going to be a bust. Unless you have the balls to gamble in this spot and take a more risky pick (an upcoming Rb or top tier Qb), you'll most likely spend the rest of the year cursing whoever you pick for not panning out. Plus, having the #1 pick, you're next selection won't come until either pick 20 or 24, depending on the number of teams in your league. Trust your inner Josh McDaniels and drop this pick like it's hot.
#2- 4) Michael Turner, Matt Forte, or Steve Slatton- Taking any one of these guys in the 2-4 slots is a low risk gamble with lots of upside. Turner, who finished 2nd in yards last year, is a goal-line beast on a team that gets into the redzone often. Forte will benefit greatly from the addition of Cutler, especially in catching balls out of the backfield. And Slatton, I believe, is on the verge of a breakout season with the Texans. Slatton though might still be around by the 2nd round, if there's a run on Qbs. He's the biggest stretch here.
#5) Drew Brees. Talk all you want about Brady and P. Manning, but Brees has played better than both of them over the last two years (yes, I know Brady didn't play last year. So what?). He threw for 5,069 yards and 34 tds! Brees is in his prime, he's healthy, and he still has something to prove.
#6) Tom Brady. The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Start dealing with it now by drafting Tom to your fantasy team. You may as well enjoy fantasy success while the golden boy continues living the dream.
#7, 8)- P. Manning or P. Rivers- As much as it pains me to admit it, the days of drafting only running backs in the first round our over. They're as dead as the Dagger of Lokin. Not only is drafting a qb in the first round wise, but unless you draft in the first half of the round, you may as well nab a top tier qb while the getting is good. At this point, you'll soon be making your second pick where you'll have another chance to get a decent rb (possibly DeAngelo Williams, Frank Gore, or Brian Westbrook).
#9)- Adrian Peterson- There's no way Peterson drops this far. In most leagues he'll probably go #1, which to me is absurd. The man ranked first in rushing yards last year, but was 13th in tds among Rbs. He's not worth a first rd pick unless you can grab him late in the round, which means you should just try to avoid him. If you can get him this late, try pairing him with another decent back with your second pick. That's the only way I see Peterson being of serious value here.
#10) I don't fucking know- Listen to me go on about who you should pick. What do I know? Fantasy drafts are nothing but crap shoots. So don't listen to me. And don't listen to experts. Go with your gut. Why are you even reading this any way? It's June! Call me in late August and we'll talk. Goodness.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Random Thoughts (A Semi-Drunken Blog)
Let me pick your brain for a second.
Imagine you wake up one morning to find that everyone's view of what is considered sexually attractive in a lover has changed. The change is universal for everyone (except you). Whatever a person's tastes were before, it is now agreed by everyone (men and women both) that obesity is the ultimate in sexual attractiveness. The fatter a person is, the hotter they are. Skinny and athletic people are considered completely unattractive. Skinny and athletic people wish they were fat. They want to be obese, and they want their lovers to be obese.
For you though, your tastes in the opposite sex are unchanged. What was attractive to you before is still hot to you now. However, the way others see you (and of how they rate your attractiveness) is changed by this new world prerogative. If you aren't obese, you're just not hot. Not even close.
So here's my question- despite the health risks still associated with obesity, do you let yourself go, and how fat do you let yourself get?
Personally, I go Fat Albert.
- Poor, silly Zach. He's seen over the years how unwise it is to make bets against me, yet still he comes to me with a sports wager, hoping to beat the odds and steal a win from me. Before I reveal the bet we've made, dear reader, let me first give you the terms. If Zach wins I have to write pro-broncos blogs (with positive elbow swinging galore) for three whole months. Nothing but love. If I win, Zach has to take over the duty of making New Shit burns for three months. Not bad, eh? So here's the bet- which team will have a worse winning percentage next season, the donks or the avs? As you may have guessed, I have picked the donks, and Zach has taken the avs. Silly Zach.
- What ever happened to cloning? Remember when, like five minutes ago, cloning was the big topic everyone was talking about. Scientists were cloning just about everything- cows, cats, dogs, rice, organs, Jango Fett, Ted Williams. It was the epic controversy of our time. Suddenly, not a word.
As most of you know, I'm not really keen on the idea of being a dad. It's just not me. I'd rather spend my time and energy wasting my own life instead of shaping the life of another. Still, I might be tempted to have a kid if it was my very own clone. Not for any narcissistic reasons mind you, but just to see how different a genetic duplicate of me could be. It would be a fun experiment. How much of who we are is nature, and how much of it is caused by the shit thrown at us? Would my clone be a tool? Would he write an unpublishable novel? Would he develop the same fetish for lesbians?
Curious minds want to know.
- Daniel, Steph, and I just got back from a Rockies game. We left in the 8th inning with the Rox down 7-4. They tied it in the 8th with a three run homer, then won it in the ninth with a two run homer.
You're welcome, Rox. Had we stayed, you would have lost.
Imagine you wake up one morning to find that everyone's view of what is considered sexually attractive in a lover has changed. The change is universal for everyone (except you). Whatever a person's tastes were before, it is now agreed by everyone (men and women both) that obesity is the ultimate in sexual attractiveness. The fatter a person is, the hotter they are. Skinny and athletic people are considered completely unattractive. Skinny and athletic people wish they were fat. They want to be obese, and they want their lovers to be obese.
For you though, your tastes in the opposite sex are unchanged. What was attractive to you before is still hot to you now. However, the way others see you (and of how they rate your attractiveness) is changed by this new world prerogative. If you aren't obese, you're just not hot. Not even close.
So here's my question- despite the health risks still associated with obesity, do you let yourself go, and how fat do you let yourself get?
Personally, I go Fat Albert.
- Poor, silly Zach. He's seen over the years how unwise it is to make bets against me, yet still he comes to me with a sports wager, hoping to beat the odds and steal a win from me. Before I reveal the bet we've made, dear reader, let me first give you the terms. If Zach wins I have to write pro-broncos blogs (with positive elbow swinging galore) for three whole months. Nothing but love. If I win, Zach has to take over the duty of making New Shit burns for three months. Not bad, eh? So here's the bet- which team will have a worse winning percentage next season, the donks or the avs? As you may have guessed, I have picked the donks, and Zach has taken the avs. Silly Zach.
- What ever happened to cloning? Remember when, like five minutes ago, cloning was the big topic everyone was talking about. Scientists were cloning just about everything- cows, cats, dogs, rice, organs, Jango Fett, Ted Williams. It was the epic controversy of our time. Suddenly, not a word.
As most of you know, I'm not really keen on the idea of being a dad. It's just not me. I'd rather spend my time and energy wasting my own life instead of shaping the life of another. Still, I might be tempted to have a kid if it was my very own clone. Not for any narcissistic reasons mind you, but just to see how different a genetic duplicate of me could be. It would be a fun experiment. How much of who we are is nature, and how much of it is caused by the shit thrown at us? Would my clone be a tool? Would he write an unpublishable novel? Would he develop the same fetish for lesbians?
Curious minds want to know.
- Daniel, Steph, and I just got back from a Rockies game. We left in the 8th inning with the Rox down 7-4. They tied it in the 8th with a three run homer, then won it in the ninth with a two run homer.
You're welcome, Rox. Had we stayed, you would have lost.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
It's June 15th and I Want to Talk Fantasy Football
Don't say it. Don't even say it.
I'm fully aware it's too early to set up a fantasy football league. Way too early. It's only June! Well, I did it anyway. Hockey is over. Basketball is done. Baseball is pointless until October. We're stuck in sports limbo, people. I'm sorry, but it's time to start over hyping the next football season. And what better way to do just that than to get the mighty Steak or Death fantasy football league up and running?
If you're one of the lucky invites, I encourage you to hurry over to the league page and set up your team. Do it now! Make a team, read the commissioner's note, and let's start talking football.
Football, baby!
I've been waiting since February to talk fantasy football. I've been dying to talk about it. And so have you, true fan, whether you're willing to admit it or not. How could you not be excited about it? After all, this year's fantasy draft is going to be the most interesting, most intriguing, most difficult draft in the history of fantasy football. It's going to be the coolest thing ever.
Don't believe me? Then just look at yahoo's current player rankings (listed below). Look at their top ten players and tell me the list isn't totally fucked up. It's a complete mess, because there's no sure thing. There's no clear value no matter what position you draft. It used to be you would take a player like LT at #1, and he'd get you 2-4 Tds a game (6-7 if he was playing the Broncos). There wasn't the slightest worry in the pick. You knew, knew Lt would pay out. Now? Now there's no such thing as a sure thing. In fact, chances are whoever you draft in the 1st round is going to be a bust.
Look at the list.
1. Adrian Peterson (A safe pick at #1, but not sexy. He gets yards, but not enough Tds. Yawn.)
2. Michael Turner (Turner the Burner was a bad ass last year. Is he worth the #2 spot though?)
3. Maurice Jones-Drew (Are you fucking kidding me? Anyone who takes Jones here is a complete moron).
4. Matt Forte- (Like Peterson, safe but not sexy. Will Cutler's presence help? Maybe.)
5. Brian Westbrook- (Can Westbrook even stay on the field?)
6. DeAngelo Williams- (Started out slow, then had huge numbers late. Not worth the six spot though.)
7. LaDainian Tomlinson-(Here's your wild card. If LT can produce like he once did, this could be the steal of the draft. That's a big if.)
8. Larry Fitzgerald- (Usually, taking a Wr with your first pick is unwise. This year, it might work.)
9. Steven Jackson- (How many years in a row has this guy been a bust? You want him, you got him.)
10. Frank Gore- (OK, at the ten spot, this is a decent pick. Maybe.)
Do you see what I'm talking about? Combine the fact that the list above is awful with the fact that people will reach for top tier qbs early and you have yourself a completely fucked up draft.
I for one can't wait.
I'm fully aware it's too early to set up a fantasy football league. Way too early. It's only June! Well, I did it anyway. Hockey is over. Basketball is done. Baseball is pointless until October. We're stuck in sports limbo, people. I'm sorry, but it's time to start over hyping the next football season. And what better way to do just that than to get the mighty Steak or Death fantasy football league up and running?
If you're one of the lucky invites, I encourage you to hurry over to the league page and set up your team. Do it now! Make a team, read the commissioner's note, and let's start talking football.
Football, baby!
I've been waiting since February to talk fantasy football. I've been dying to talk about it. And so have you, true fan, whether you're willing to admit it or not. How could you not be excited about it? After all, this year's fantasy draft is going to be the most interesting, most intriguing, most difficult draft in the history of fantasy football. It's going to be the coolest thing ever.
Don't believe me? Then just look at yahoo's current player rankings (listed below). Look at their top ten players and tell me the list isn't totally fucked up. It's a complete mess, because there's no sure thing. There's no clear value no matter what position you draft. It used to be you would take a player like LT at #1, and he'd get you 2-4 Tds a game (6-7 if he was playing the Broncos). There wasn't the slightest worry in the pick. You knew, knew Lt would pay out. Now? Now there's no such thing as a sure thing. In fact, chances are whoever you draft in the 1st round is going to be a bust.
Look at the list.
1. Adrian Peterson (A safe pick at #1, but not sexy. He gets yards, but not enough Tds. Yawn.)
2. Michael Turner (Turner the Burner was a bad ass last year. Is he worth the #2 spot though?)
3. Maurice Jones-Drew (Are you fucking kidding me? Anyone who takes Jones here is a complete moron).
4. Matt Forte- (Like Peterson, safe but not sexy. Will Cutler's presence help? Maybe.)
5. Brian Westbrook- (Can Westbrook even stay on the field?)
6. DeAngelo Williams- (Started out slow, then had huge numbers late. Not worth the six spot though.)
7. LaDainian Tomlinson-(Here's your wild card. If LT can produce like he once did, this could be the steal of the draft. That's a big if.)
8. Larry Fitzgerald- (Usually, taking a Wr with your first pick is unwise. This year, it might work.)
9. Steven Jackson- (How many years in a row has this guy been a bust? You want him, you got him.)
10. Frank Gore- (OK, at the ten spot, this is a decent pick. Maybe.)
Do you see what I'm talking about? Combine the fact that the list above is awful with the fact that people will reach for top tier qbs early and you have yourself a completely fucked up draft.
I for one can't wait.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I Love You, Man
The second round of the poker night just ended, and I'm drunk enough to finally tell you all exactly what I think of you.
Before I do that though- I am not responsible for anything I say or do beyond this point. I am way too drunk to be responsible for my words or actions. This is all Steph's fault. She poured the drinks.
k.
I am a tool.
You're all my friends because you're cool with that.
Dr. Chris, I don't blame you for killing me in a helicopter crash. Who knew?
Fuck you, Kyle Orton. Thanks for ruining my 2009.
Aries, I understand you're angry because we cut off your balls. I think I'd spend the rest of my life hissing at everyone if that was done to me.
Daniel, your pathwords score proves that the Dagger of Lokin will never be published. Why? I'm not sure. But I'm certain you can print me out a spread sheet that proves just that.
Gotta go pass out now. Sorry I couldn't keep this going all night long.
I'm all in.
My feet are warm because I wear socks.
Goddess bless.
-LLL
Before I do that though- I am not responsible for anything I say or do beyond this point. I am way too drunk to be responsible for my words or actions. This is all Steph's fault. She poured the drinks.
k.
I am a tool.
You're all my friends because you're cool with that.
Dr. Chris, I don't blame you for killing me in a helicopter crash. Who knew?
Fuck you, Kyle Orton. Thanks for ruining my 2009.
Aries, I understand you're angry because we cut off your balls. I think I'd spend the rest of my life hissing at everyone if that was done to me.
Daniel, your pathwords score proves that the Dagger of Lokin will never be published. Why? I'm not sure. But I'm certain you can print me out a spread sheet that proves just that.
Gotta go pass out now. Sorry I couldn't keep this going all night long.
I'm all in.
My feet are warm because I wear socks.
Goddess bless.
-LLL
30 Second Blog (6-13-09)
Don't everyone go running off to your nearest sports apparel store all at once, but Kyle Orton has been named the starting quarterback of your mighty Denver Broncos. Rejoice, true believers. The Kyle Orton era has begun.
Apparently a spleen is necessary for quarterbacking in the NFL.
Still no word from Bears camp as to whether Cutler has been named their starter yet or not. I'll keep you posted.
Oh wait. I guess it was a given.
Apparently a spleen is necessary for quarterbacking in the NFL.
Still no word from Bears camp as to whether Cutler has been named their starter yet or not. I'll keep you posted.
Oh wait. I guess it was a given.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
30 Second Blog (6-11-09)
Lost in the Cutler trade-drama of the Broncos off season is that the Rivers/Cutler rivalry that had been brewing these last few seasons is now officially dead. It was, as you'll recall, a rivalry that P. Rivers was winning, and quite easily at that. Now though, none of it matters. Cutler fled to the bears where Rivers can no longer pick on him. In fact, I'm starting to think Rivers is the real reason why Cutler wanted out of cow town. He knew so long as he stayed in the AFC West he'd be Rivers' bitch, and that the only way of escape was a trade.
How did the media not pick up on any of this? Oh well. I am SO looking forward to the upcoming Orton/Simms/Rivers rivalry. Good times.
How did the media not pick up on any of this? Oh well. I am SO looking forward to the upcoming Orton/Simms/Rivers rivalry. Good times.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
30 Second Blog (6-10-09)
Though I'm not completely out of the woods yet, I don't think 1st Bank is going to fire me. The situation has calmed a bit, and I think at the worst I'll just be scolded. And maybe water boarded. But I'm cool with that.
Though getting fired is on my things to do before I die list, I'd much rather scratch that one off when a publisher decides to drop me. That would count as being fired, right?
It's hard to get dropped by a publisher though if they won't pick you up to begin with. I may need to rethink my things to do before I die list. The items on it now might be too ambitious.
Though getting fired is on my things to do before I die list, I'd much rather scratch that one off when a publisher decides to drop me. That would count as being fired, right?
It's hard to get dropped by a publisher though if they won't pick you up to begin with. I may need to rethink my things to do before I die list. The items on it now might be too ambitious.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Random Thoughts
It's 9:53 a.m. as I start typing this, and do you know what sounds good to me? A margarita. Maybe I should have a little talk with myself about this...
- Do you know what's starting to annoy the hell out of me? I mean besides people who tell me 9:53 a.m. is too early to have a margarita. People who insist on describing the hail that fell down in their backyard as being golf-ball sized when it's not even close. Every night on the news, reporters interview morons who will tell you that the hail that pounded their car was the size of golf balls. They'll even show pictures of the hail they took with their cell phone. Guess what- not as big as golf balls. Yes, I know, occasionally a hail storm will produce hail as big as golf balls, or tennis balls, or Josh McDaniel's balls, but it's not that common. Not nearly as common as people like to suggest. Have you never seen a golf ball before?
- Still no word on whether I'll be fired from the bank or not. I didn't ask, they didn't tell. Actually, the incident is still under review as facts continue to be gathered. Currently, I'd put the odds that I'm fired sometime this week at about 76.6%.
- According to a recent article in the Los Angeles Times, the Seti Institute, the world's best-known organization dedicated to the search for alien life, has started a program called Earth Speaks that asks you and I and everyone else on the planet to think about what we would say when, or if, we finally make contact. What exactly should our first words to our new alien friends/enemies be?
My suggestion- "Lance is a tool." I'm going to their website right now to suggest it.
- Where the fuck is virtual reality already? Of all the things we were promised we'd have once the future arrived (flying cars, wars with robots, legalized sports betting), the one I'm most disappointed to still be waiting for is virtual reality. Besides the obvious enhancements to masturbation it would provide (think hot tubs filled with lesbians), virtual reality would take roll playing games to a whole new level. Just think how cool it would be for players to slip on their virtual reality helmets (or whatever) and suddenly be transported to a dungeons and dragons world where they become their character. Too fucking cool. And of course, I as the dungeon master would inevitably write in a scene or two featuring hot tubs filled with lesbians, for some down time in between raiding dragon dens and cleaning out vampire lairs. Seems like a good way of recouping hit points to me.
- Stop me if you've heard this before. Oh wait, you have. I've got to be the most repetitive person on the planet. I'm a fucking parrot, squawking the same stupid shit over and over again. Only parrots have larger vocabularies. Didn't I write that last random thought in a previous blog of mine? And enough with the lesbians already. And swinging. And women going topless. Shut up already. We've heard it.
- I want a luxury yacht, and I want it now. I really need to figure out how to become a billionaire, and quick. This 9-5 lifestyle is crushing my soul. If I was a billionaire, the type of billionaire whose money works for them so they don't have to, the first thing I'd do is buy a luxury yacht, and I'd spend the rest of my life traveling the world. I'd take all my friends and family with me, and we'd spend our days cruising the oceans, and our nights soaking in hot tubs with topless lesbians. How sweet it would be.
- Do you know what's starting to annoy the hell out of me? I mean besides people who tell me 9:53 a.m. is too early to have a margarita. People who insist on describing the hail that fell down in their backyard as being golf-ball sized when it's not even close. Every night on the news, reporters interview morons who will tell you that the hail that pounded their car was the size of golf balls. They'll even show pictures of the hail they took with their cell phone. Guess what- not as big as golf balls. Yes, I know, occasionally a hail storm will produce hail as big as golf balls, or tennis balls, or Josh McDaniel's balls, but it's not that common. Not nearly as common as people like to suggest. Have you never seen a golf ball before?
- Still no word on whether I'll be fired from the bank or not. I didn't ask, they didn't tell. Actually, the incident is still under review as facts continue to be gathered. Currently, I'd put the odds that I'm fired sometime this week at about 76.6%.
- According to a recent article in the Los Angeles Times, the Seti Institute, the world's best-known organization dedicated to the search for alien life, has started a program called Earth Speaks that asks you and I and everyone else on the planet to think about what we would say when, or if, we finally make contact. What exactly should our first words to our new alien friends/enemies be?
My suggestion- "Lance is a tool." I'm going to their website right now to suggest it.
- Where the fuck is virtual reality already? Of all the things we were promised we'd have once the future arrived (flying cars, wars with robots, legalized sports betting), the one I'm most disappointed to still be waiting for is virtual reality. Besides the obvious enhancements to masturbation it would provide (think hot tubs filled with lesbians), virtual reality would take roll playing games to a whole new level. Just think how cool it would be for players to slip on their virtual reality helmets (or whatever) and suddenly be transported to a dungeons and dragons world where they become their character. Too fucking cool. And of course, I as the dungeon master would inevitably write in a scene or two featuring hot tubs filled with lesbians, for some down time in between raiding dragon dens and cleaning out vampire lairs. Seems like a good way of recouping hit points to me.
- Stop me if you've heard this before. Oh wait, you have. I've got to be the most repetitive person on the planet. I'm a fucking parrot, squawking the same stupid shit over and over again. Only parrots have larger vocabularies. Didn't I write that last random thought in a previous blog of mine? And enough with the lesbians already. And swinging. And women going topless. Shut up already. We've heard it.
- I want a luxury yacht, and I want it now. I really need to figure out how to become a billionaire, and quick. This 9-5 lifestyle is crushing my soul. If I was a billionaire, the type of billionaire whose money works for them so they don't have to, the first thing I'd do is buy a luxury yacht, and I'd spend the rest of my life traveling the world. I'd take all my friends and family with me, and we'd spend our days cruising the oceans, and our nights soaking in hot tubs with topless lesbians. How sweet it would be.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
What's the Worst that Can Happen?
This may come as a shock, but I am a pessimist. I always assume the worst possible outcome will happen (the Broncos will lose, my book will never be published, the plane I'm on will crash), and I'm stupefied when my predictions are wrong. With the exception of plane crashes (so far) and the donks two Super Bowl victories, I think I'm usually right about these things, to a certain degree.
My mother spent my entire childhood battling my negative tendencies. As the queen of positive thinking, she wanted desperately to instill in me a sense of optimism and self-worth. Well she failed miserably.
Though not as passionate about staying positive, Steph tends to dismiss my predictions of despair and demise as needless worry, though she herself is often plagued with a similar perdition. Recently she picked up the book, "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living", a book that claims to reveal time-tested methods for conquering worry. In it, the author tells his reader's to use the following formula when faced with worry-
1) Ask yourself, "What is the worse that could possible happen?"
2) Prepare to accept this outcome if you have to.
3) Calmly proceed to improve on the worst. (or in other words, imagine yourself moving on from this terrible calamity that makes you fret so, and even gaining from the experience).
Since learning of this magic formula, I've started using it whenever I'm burdened by the fear of the future, and with great success. Well sort of. I do step one anyway. Steps 2 and 3 are complete bull shit, and in my opinion, impossible.
Currently I am applying the magic formula (step 1) to my worry that I will soon be fired. I don't want to go into all the details, but suffice it to say I screwed up and the bank is not pleased. But should I really be tossing this possible scenario around in my head all weekend long? I have to ask myself, "What's the worst that can happen?"
Well, First Bank could fire me, and I could get hit by a truck on my walk home from work. That would suck. But it's not very likely. I'm pretty good at spotting trucks and avoiding them.
How about this? First Bank fires me, and for weeks I fail at finding another job. Eventually, filled with self-loathing and disgust, I am forced to apply to McDonalds, the only place that will hire an unpublished writer with a Psych BA. Embarrassed by her husband and his lowly career aspirations, Steph divorces me, forcing me to move in with my brother and mother. Eventually the three of us move up to the shack my uncle lives in in Idledale, where I finally cross over from a semi-habitual drinker to full blown alcoholic, thus leading to my death from liver disease a few years later.
Of course, there's always the possibility I won't be fired. Perhaps, just perhaps, First Bank will find a way to forgive me, thus delaying my death by liver disease by at least a month or two. I'm crossing my fingers.
My mother spent my entire childhood battling my negative tendencies. As the queen of positive thinking, she wanted desperately to instill in me a sense of optimism and self-worth. Well she failed miserably.
Though not as passionate about staying positive, Steph tends to dismiss my predictions of despair and demise as needless worry, though she herself is often plagued with a similar perdition. Recently she picked up the book, "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living", a book that claims to reveal time-tested methods for conquering worry. In it, the author tells his reader's to use the following formula when faced with worry-
1) Ask yourself, "What is the worse that could possible happen?"
2) Prepare to accept this outcome if you have to.
3) Calmly proceed to improve on the worst. (or in other words, imagine yourself moving on from this terrible calamity that makes you fret so, and even gaining from the experience).
Since learning of this magic formula, I've started using it whenever I'm burdened by the fear of the future, and with great success. Well sort of. I do step one anyway. Steps 2 and 3 are complete bull shit, and in my opinion, impossible.
Currently I am applying the magic formula (step 1) to my worry that I will soon be fired. I don't want to go into all the details, but suffice it to say I screwed up and the bank is not pleased. But should I really be tossing this possible scenario around in my head all weekend long? I have to ask myself, "What's the worst that can happen?"
Well, First Bank could fire me, and I could get hit by a truck on my walk home from work. That would suck. But it's not very likely. I'm pretty good at spotting trucks and avoiding them.
How about this? First Bank fires me, and for weeks I fail at finding another job. Eventually, filled with self-loathing and disgust, I am forced to apply to McDonalds, the only place that will hire an unpublished writer with a Psych BA. Embarrassed by her husband and his lowly career aspirations, Steph divorces me, forcing me to move in with my brother and mother. Eventually the three of us move up to the shack my uncle lives in in Idledale, where I finally cross over from a semi-habitual drinker to full blown alcoholic, thus leading to my death from liver disease a few years later.
Of course, there's always the possibility I won't be fired. Perhaps, just perhaps, First Bank will find a way to forgive me, thus delaying my death by liver disease by at least a month or two. I'm crossing my fingers.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sorry, But You Can No Longer Be My Friend
According to a recent yahoo article (OK, yes, I get all my news from yahoo), half of all friends are replaced every seven years. Wait. What? Some person from wherever conducted a poll that showed that every seven years that pass you lose, on average, half of your closest friends and replace them with new ones. Here's the article if you want to read it.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/halfofallfriendsreplacedevery7years
Reading this article has inspired me to be proactive in choosing which friends I'll drop over the next seven years, and who I should add to replace them. Why let fate decide?
Friends to be dropped- If you're on this list, I'm sorry. It's been real. It's been fun. But I think you'll agree it's time we moved on.
1) Dick Cheney- I never really jumped on the George-Bush-hating bandwagon that everyone else on the planet seemed to be on, but I always loved the conspiracy theory that Cheney was really the one in charge and that George did whatever Dick told him to do. And that Dick was the ultimate evildoer of all the universe, and that some day in the not so distant future he would coerce a young Anakin Skywalker into destroying the Jedi. Personally I think we should keep this concept going with all vice presidents. Did you know that Joe Biden eats unborn children? Seriously, I've seen it. He just sticks a straw into the nearest pregnant woman's uterus and starts drinking. Not only that, but in the not so distant future, he's going to order Ellen Ripley and her unsuspecting crew mates of the Nostromo to descend onto an unknown planetoid to investigate an alien transmission, thus resulting in the infestation of the ship by an alien who kills almost all the crew. Evil bastard.
Sorry Dick, but there's a new villain in town, and I only have room for one nefarious vice president in my life.
Jay Cutler- This one hurts, but there's nothing that can be done about it. Cutler is now a Bear. A dumpster diving, someone-help-me-we're-running-out-of-icebergs, only-you-can-prevent-forest-fires Bear. By rule, Cutler is now my enemy. He is a traitor. And when he eventually wins the Super Bowl, and he slips on that monstrous Super Bowl ring, I hope it cuts off the circulation to his finger and his digit falls asleep. Take that, turncoat!
Dave Logan- What an awful year for Dave Logan. First 1st Bank drops him as our spokesman, and now I'm moving on. Sorry Dave, but if you're not good enough for 1st Bank, you're not good enough for me. That's pretty much the motto I live by.
Aries- He hisses at all my friends, he screams incessantly the second his food dish is empty, and he sheds all over my fucking pillow. Plus, he's not nearly as cool as Athena.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/halfofallfriendsreplacedevery7years
Reading this article has inspired me to be proactive in choosing which friends I'll drop over the next seven years, and who I should add to replace them. Why let fate decide?
Friends to be dropped- If you're on this list, I'm sorry. It's been real. It's been fun. But I think you'll agree it's time we moved on.
1) Dick Cheney- I never really jumped on the George-Bush-hating bandwagon that everyone else on the planet seemed to be on, but I always loved the conspiracy theory that Cheney was really the one in charge and that George did whatever Dick told him to do. And that Dick was the ultimate evildoer of all the universe, and that some day in the not so distant future he would coerce a young Anakin Skywalker into destroying the Jedi. Personally I think we should keep this concept going with all vice presidents. Did you know that Joe Biden eats unborn children? Seriously, I've seen it. He just sticks a straw into the nearest pregnant woman's uterus and starts drinking. Not only that, but in the not so distant future, he's going to order Ellen Ripley and her unsuspecting crew mates of the Nostromo to descend onto an unknown planetoid to investigate an alien transmission, thus resulting in the infestation of the ship by an alien who kills almost all the crew. Evil bastard.
Sorry Dick, but there's a new villain in town, and I only have room for one nefarious vice president in my life.
Jay Cutler- This one hurts, but there's nothing that can be done about it. Cutler is now a Bear. A dumpster diving, someone-help-me-we're-running-out-of-icebergs, only-you-can-prevent-forest-fires Bear. By rule, Cutler is now my enemy. He is a traitor. And when he eventually wins the Super Bowl, and he slips on that monstrous Super Bowl ring, I hope it cuts off the circulation to his finger and his digit falls asleep. Take that, turncoat!
Dave Logan- What an awful year for Dave Logan. First 1st Bank drops him as our spokesman, and now I'm moving on. Sorry Dave, but if you're not good enough for 1st Bank, you're not good enough for me. That's pretty much the motto I live by.
Aries- He hisses at all my friends, he screams incessantly the second his food dish is empty, and he sheds all over my fucking pillow. Plus, he's not nearly as cool as Athena.
Friends to be Added- Now that I've cleared some space, it's time to add some new friends. Let's see...
Airplanes- It used to be I was afraid of flying. Not any more. It's just not conducive to my life style. In August I'll be flying to Vancouver. In October I'll be headed to Vegas. A year from now I'll hop over the Pacific on my way to Japan. Lots and lots of flying. The whole fear thing just doesn't fly any more. In fact, you can say it's crashed. Ha. Oh yes, I'm all about flying now. I'm just a million or two away from jumping on the next Russian space rocket.
30 Second Blogs- 30 seconds is about as long as I can stay interested in blogging. Somewhere around the 31st second I start to realize how dull my blogs are, and how painful they must be for my friends to read. That reminds me, sorry for this lame blog.
10 Second Blog
Being a big fan of irony, I couldn't help but laugh at this yahoo article about the fear of flying that posted shortly after my last blog. Great timing.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090602/sc_livescience/whatsbehindthefearofflying
I especially like the part where the odds of dying in a plane crash are mentioned. Liars!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090602/sc_livescience/whatsbehindthefearofflying
I especially like the part where the odds of dying in a plane crash are mentioned. Liars!
The 30 Second Blog (6-2-09)
For those of you who don't take note every time a death tube falls out of the sky, another death tube has fallen out of the sky. An Air France passenger jet crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on Tuesday, most likely killing all 228 people on board (assuming none of them are hanging out with Tom Hanks and a volleyball on some, random island).
So here's what I'm wondering: how long can we keep calling it the safest form of travel if planes keep nose diving into the earth every other week? OK sure, more people die from Segway scooter accidents every year than they do from aviation "incidents", but come on. I mean, Come On. Doesn't it seem like the odds of dying in a plane crash have increased dramatically over the last few years (don't answer that, Daniel. I don't need you confusing things with statics and facts here).
Well, I've well exceeded my 30 second maximum for this blog, so I should wrap this up. I'll leave you with a few lines from the yahoo article I just read about the crash.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/brazil_plane
In it, Jean-Louis Borloo, the French minister overseeing transportation said that the Airbus A330 is "one of the most reliable planes in the world.... There really had to be a succession of extraordinary events to be able to explain this situation."
Right.
So here's what I'm wondering: how long can we keep calling it the safest form of travel if planes keep nose diving into the earth every other week? OK sure, more people die from Segway scooter accidents every year than they do from aviation "incidents", but come on. I mean, Come On. Doesn't it seem like the odds of dying in a plane crash have increased dramatically over the last few years (don't answer that, Daniel. I don't need you confusing things with statics and facts here).
Well, I've well exceeded my 30 second maximum for this blog, so I should wrap this up. I'll leave you with a few lines from the yahoo article I just read about the crash.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/brazil_plane
In it, Jean-Louis Borloo, the French minister overseeing transportation said that the Airbus A330 is "one of the most reliable planes in the world.... There really had to be a succession of extraordinary events to be able to explain this situation."
Right.
Monday, June 1, 2009
The 30 Second Blog (6-1-09)
I should probably mention that the 30 Second Blog won't be an every day event. I do hope to post them often, but no promises on how frequently it'll happen. Anyway, while I'm here....
T-man and I are at it again. Currently we have two bets on the upcoming baseball and football seasons. Everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. predicts that the Padres will have a worse season than the Rocks, which I couldn't disagree with more. The rocks are clearly the inferior team. The other bet focuses on the upcoming Broncos season. I have the donks winning less than six games this season, while T-man believes their good for at least seven. Silly Topher. Has anyone told him that Kyle Orton is our quarterback?
We haven't set the terms yet for the donks bet. For the pads/rocks, the loser buys dinner the next time T-man is in Denver (which rumor has it will be one year from now).
Time's up. Maybe I should change it to the two minute blog.
T-man and I are at it again. Currently we have two bets on the upcoming baseball and football seasons. Everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. predicts that the Padres will have a worse season than the Rocks, which I couldn't disagree with more. The rocks are clearly the inferior team. The other bet focuses on the upcoming Broncos season. I have the donks winning less than six games this season, while T-man believes their good for at least seven. Silly Topher. Has anyone told him that Kyle Orton is our quarterback?
We haven't set the terms yet for the donks bet. For the pads/rocks, the loser buys dinner the next time T-man is in Denver (which rumor has it will be one year from now).
Time's up. Maybe I should change it to the two minute blog.
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