I Didn't Realize

I didn't know this until Steph pointed it out to me- the time change will occur while we're in Vegas. That means we get an extra hour of Sin City! It means we get to sleep in an extra hour the morning we get up early to secure good seats at the sportsbook!

I don't know why this makes me so happy, but it does. I think it's an omen.

Greatest Vegas trip ever.

Random Thoughts (and Line Bets)

I had a really weird dream the other night, and I'd like to share it with you if you don't mind. Don't worry, I'll give you the cliff notes version.

Basically, I dreamt that I had died, and that I was sent to Hell. Waiting for me at the gates to Hell was Bill Cosby who was assigned to be my guide and show me around. Bill was very unhappy to have to do this, and he didn't put much effort into it. He just pointed and said, "there's the lake of fire" and "there's the smoldering abyss", without any kind of enthusiasm what so ever. He was very unpleasant, and no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he refused to say, "Eat the pudding." What a dick.

-- Here's a riddle for you: Who has two thumbs and is going to the Giants/Broncos game on Thanksgiving Day? Answer: This guy! (Oh, you should picture me pointing at myself with my thumbs. Thanks). I'm super psyched. I got the tickets from one of my customers at the bank. He can't go to the game because he's spending the week in Mexico, and so he asked if I'd like to buy them from him. I said, "Fuck yeah." The next thing you know, I'm handing him cash and he's handing me tickets. Crazy cool, right? Of course, chances are pretty strong that I'll die in a plane crash next week and won't get to go. In case that happens, I'd like to make it official right now that I want the tickets to go to whoever calls me a tool the most times at my funeral.

-- As most of you may have heard, Daniel and I had a wager going last week as to which of our teams would win in our Core de la Hard fantasy football league. I thought his team would win, and he thought mine would. Of course, I won. Daniel is a fantasy football genius. The terms of the bet were that whoever lost would have to write the first sentence of the Mace of Dominion. Well, that and the winner gets to pick the loser's first drink in Vegas. Just today I received Daniel's opening to the MoD, and I have to say it's damn good. But don't take my word for it. Read it yourself.

"An ill wind billowed from the mouths of the Caverns of Chaos, spinning gnarled balls of devil's briar across the plains of Abaddon, breezing unnoticed past the impervious midnight black Tower of Sedimm, which failed even to reflect the silvery splotches of dueling moonlight that adorned the barren rocky landscape." -- Daniel C.

If Daniel is cool with it, I'm going to go ahead and use his sentence. The rest of the book will suck, but at least it'll start off good.

-- I really want to talk Vegas, but first let me get these stupid week 7 picks out of the way. I was 4-3 last week (my best performance yet), putting me at a dismal 12-19 for the year. My goal is to be better than .500 by the end of the season. Yeah, that's not happening. Actually, I don't care how I do for the year. What matters is how well I do next week when it really counts. Anyway, here are my picks.

Clv +9.5 Vs Gb- So here's my theory- the Browns are the best of the worst. They're awful, but there not as bad as Vegas seems to think they are. So until I'm wrong about this, I'm going to take points with the Browns and assume that though they will lose, they won't lose as bad as predicted.

Stl +14 Vs Ind- I'm cringing even as I type this, but something tells me that the Rams get their shit together just enough this week to make a game of this. Again, I'm not picking the Rams to win, only to lose by 13 pts or less. I know, I know. Manning is going to torch them and I'll probably look the fool. I told you I was lousy at this.

Pit -5.5 Vs Min- Here's why I'm taking the Steelers- because the gambling gods know I want the Vikes to win, and thus they won't let it happen. If the vikes were to win, they'd go to Green Bay next week undefeated, setting up the perfect moneyline bet. Just imagine, Bret Favre going back to Lambeau at 7-0. The Vikes would be favored, and I'd bet heavy on the pack. But NO. The vikes will lose to the Steelers and next week's line won't be worth betting. Lame.

Oak +6.5 Vs NyJ- Something strange is happening in Oakland, and I don't like it. The jets had better not let these punks win.

NyG -7 Vs Ari- Fuck if I know.


The Vegas Attack Plan- I've been thinking about Vegas for weeks now, and I think I've finally come up with my strategy for the big weekend. First off, I'm going to keep a detailed account of all my wagers. No more estimating how much I'm up or down. When the weekend is over I'm going to know exactly how I did, good or bad, and I'm going to post the results right here for all the world to see (the world being the three people who read this).

Here's what I'm thinking- I'm going to start with $100 walking around money (or in other words, slot money). Since we'll probably be wandering around on Halloween night, I figure I'll set aside some cash to play random slots just for the fuck of it. A couple of bucks here, a couple there. Maybe a high limits machine or two. Whatever whatever, I'll do what i want. So basically, I pretty much plan to start off the trip down a hundred. Hey, it's for a good cause.

Next I'm going to throw down about $100 on a couple of Saturday games. Most likely it'll be on hockey, but I might dabble a bit with college football as well. According to Zach, Buffalo over the NY Islanders and Montreal over Toronto are solid bets. Maybe I'll parley them. It's going to get crazy, folks.

The rest of my money will go to betting Pro Football, and most of that to betting against the donks. I know it seems crazy with the donks being 6-0 (both in wins for the season and against the lines), but my gut still tells me that they can't win in Baltimore. Everyone and their pet chinchilla has been warning me not to bet against the donks, and I can see their point. This isn't the same donks team that always lost to the Jags, or the team that always got blown out by the Chargers. This isn't a team I can just assume is overrated.

That being said, this team is highly overrated. They're this years Tennessee Titans. Sure they'll finish with a pretty good record, but they'll just get bumped by the first team they play in the playoffs.

Hey, betting against the donks is what I do. It's who I am. It's in my blood. Just like I'll always be certain that the plane I'm on is going to crash, I'll always be certain that the donks are going to choke.

So I'm pushing all my chips in. Well, a lot of them anyway. And for those of you ready to pronounce me a fool, I have two words for you. Kyle Orton. The man is due. He's due for a game filled with mistakes, with picks and fumbles and sacks galore. He's due for a game that reminds everyone who he is. He's Kyle "can someone please hand me a tissue" Orton.

Against the Ravens, it will finally happen, and I'm going to be in Vegas to bank on it when it does.

And if the donks do somehow win, well it's only money. Well, Steph's hard earned money. But she won't mind. She'll be just as happy as I will be that the donks are 7-0.

Vegas' Revenge

Everyone's favorite Dr. Evil Chris must be laughing it up right now. He's probably lounging at some Indonesian beach resort with a couple of topless beach babes and sipping on Balinese rice wine, all while enjoying a good laugh at his cruel joke in having me pick the lines again.

I'm glad he's stuck in paradise, drinking coconut milk off the tits of sun-soaked hotties while he searches in vain to find a WiFi hotspot that doesn't exist. If he was back in Japan, or anywhere with Internet and phone service for that matter, we'd probably have a bet going for this week's donks/bolts match up, which would inevitably end with me having to write the Mace of Dominion. Chris will not rest until I have completely exposed my full range of ineptness to the world.

I was 3-4 in my mighty return, putting me at 9-16 for the year. I realize now this is more than just a slump. This is a curse. I'm trapped in a horror movie called, "Vegas' Revenge", a low budget B movie staring Vincent Price, Pam Grier, and myself. It's about a sports betting tool who after several successful trips to Las Vegas has discovered that the gambling gods are onto him and have decided his luck has run out. Already, the cruel and heartless gambling gods have slain my fantasy football teams, hunting them down one by one and leaving them in a pool of blood and guts. Now all that's left is the final showdown in Vegas where the gambling gods will chase me through the sportsbooks with knives and chainsaws, and then finally bleed me dry. I just hope there's a couple of tit shots in the movie to make it worth renting some time.

Here are this week's picks, because I'm obligated to post them.

Bal +3 at Minn- Favre is due for a bad game, and I just don't believe that the NFC is as good as the AFC. But what the fuck do I know?

Clv +14 at Pit- Taking pts on the high lines is going to be the death of me. Even lines this steep can be covered. Just look at the giants and eagles kicking ass last week. Throwing down a Benjamin on a super long shot in Vegas doesn't seem like such a good idea any more. Maybe I should drop it down a few tiers to a slight underdog. Nah. What fun is that? I'll roll like I always do. Parley bets and money lines, baby! And this time, I go for broke on a sucker bet. We haven't seen the week of big upsets yet. Hopefully it'll come on November 1st.

KC +6.5 at Was- Fuck if I know.

NyG +3 at NO- I like the giants D better than I do the Saints. That's the only reason I'm taking the points here.

Sea -3 over Ari- Seattle is a tough place to play, and Arizona is all over the place. One week they're good, the next week they suck. Well, this week they suck.

Atl -3 over Chi- I just don't trust Cutler on the road. Plus, Forte isn't the back he was last year (as my records in fantasy football clearly show). Throw in Turner starting to find his groove and you got yourself a Falcon's win.

Sd -4 Over Den- It's a lock! You can bet your kidneys on it.

With Apologies to the Byrds

To everything. Turn. Turn. Turn.
There is a season. Turn. Turn. Turn.
A time to every purpose under heaven.

A time to go 4-0, then lose the next ten.

A time to have lesbian sex (while your husband watches).

A time to watch the new "V" series on ABC (I'm super excited).

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.


I was singing various versions of the classic Byrds song in my head today and it got me thinking. Maybe it's time I started making line bets again. Maybe, just maybe, giving up so early on them was a bad idea.

Actually, it was a great idea. I suck at picking lines. But that damn doctor won yet another bet with me, and now I have to pay up by making picks the rest of the year. Yeah, I know. What the fuck kind of terms is that? That's about as lame as a pg-13 movie. Well, that's what the doc wanted, so that's what he gets. He must really enjoy my public displays of ineptness.

So, despite me misgivings about this, I present to you my Week 5 picks.

Cin +9 at Bal- Call me a tool, but I just don't see a blowout in this one. The ravens will win, but I think the bungles will at least keep it close. In fact, I predict that the bungles will be winning for most of the game, only to lose at the end. They won't lose by 9+ pts though. More like 3.

Car -4 against Was- The redskins are awful. And they're on the road. And their quarterback is Jason Campbell, who's almost as bad as Kyle Orton. Despite his fetish for throwing to the other team, I think Delhomme will get enough passes to Steve Smith to carry the Panthers to a td or better win. So let tit be written, so let tit be done.

Tampa Bay +15 at Phi- This is an old school Lance pick. I'm not making this pick because I think the Bucs can hang with the eagles. Hell no. I'm making this pick because I really really really need McNabb to do well for me in fantasy this week, and this is my feeble attempt to reverse jinx him. Knowing my luck, Mcnabb will take a shot to his ribs and leave the game early, and then Kolb will go into the game and lead the eagles to a 16+ pt victory. Will the football godz ever grant me mercy?

Atl +2.5 at Sf- I refuse to believe in the 49ers. Refuse!

Ne -3.5 at Den- Do I even need to explain this one? Its Tom Brady vs Kyle "I think I left the stove on" Orton. The donks defense is highly overrated and will be exposed this week. Plus, Orton is due for an interception or five. It's a lock.

Ind -4.5 at Ten- I'm riding the colts train until it derails.

Oak +15.5 against NyG- Wow. How bad are the raiders? They're playing at home against a team that will most likely sit their starting qb, and yet they're still more than a two touchdown underdog. Now that's bad. For reasons though I can not explain, I think this one will be close. My gut says this is a fg game. Giants win by 9, maybe 10. Not by 16.

Random Thoughts

Where is my mind? Out in the water I see it swimming...


-- Sign #247 that I'm an alcoholic- the smell of booze on my customers makes me jealous. It used to be that some customer would stumble to my window smelling like beer and I would think, "How pathetic are you, pal?" Now I get a whiff of beer from a customer and I think, "Damn, I want a beer." Bad sign.

-- Billy Talent is the greatest punk band of all time. There, I said it. Steph, Zach, and I hit up the Billy show last week at the Gothic and it was a little slice of punk rock heaven. The band threw down a vicious set, and it was easily my favorite Billy show so far. Very cool. One of the highlights of the evening came when Zach decided to banter a bit with the band. We were sitting on the left side of the balcony section which hangs nearly over the stage, so it was easy for Zach to shout at the band and be heard. Between songs, the lead singer of Billy asked if anyone in the audience watched "True Blood". Steph, Zach, and I all do, so of course we screamed an affirmative. He then mentioned that he couldn't help but notice how often the lead vampire character growls his girlfriend's name in every episode. "Sookie," Mr. Bill Compton will groan about every thirty seconds. This is why I made a drinking game out of the show. Every time Mr. Compton growls his girlfriend's name everyone takes a shot. Anyway, Zach mentioned this to Billy's lead singer (yelling down to the band that it's a drinking game), and Billy replied, "Holy shit, you'd be shitfaced in no time." A week later and I'm still amazed at the strange collision of my various, personal pop-culture interests. I can only hope that the next time Billy Talent watches True Blood they're playing my drinking game.

-- I'm done. No more picking the lines. After three weeks of putrid picks, I'm a miserable 6-12. Ouch. I officially suck. The magic is gone. I think in Vegas I'll play a lot of keno.

-- Speaking of bad bets, Steph and I played in a kick ass poker tournament last Saturday. It was hosted by Debbie's brother, and there were about 28 players total. The buy-in was $20, so the pot was quite big. I didn't fair too well, which isn't much of a surprise. As most of you know, I'm not very good at poker. It's all the luck of the draw for me. I can't bluff, and I can't read the other players. Well, I made it to the second table, but I was quickly bounced after that chasing after a flush. It was fun though, and I plan to attend again if given the invite. Mark (Debbie's brother) has a beautiful home, and his basement made me jizz in my pants. There were three, plush poker tables, flat screen TVs playing the Rockies game on seemingly every wall, and a keg fridge where I spent most of my time suckling from the spout.

-- Sign #182 that I'm an alcoholic- I'm giving myself exemptions from my no drinking rule for the month of October. But only two. One will be for the cowboys/donks game next week, which Tad and I will be attending. How the hell can I go to a donks game and not drink beer? That would be like going to an orgy an only doing some heavy petting. The other will either be a Sorenson beer party (some of you know him a Seventh in the Steak or Death fantasy league) or my second try at Mark's poker tournaments, whichever one of those I decide to attend. Other than that, I won't drink a drop. Well, except for Vegas of course.

-- One last thing before I let you be. Steph, Matt L., and I will be at the Rockies game tomorrow. Everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. hooked us up with some great seats for Matt's b-day. We'll be sitting in the club section right next to the press box, so there's a chance we might end up on TV. If you have a chance, tune in and see if you can spot us.

-- Lance is a tool.

Weak/Week 3 Picks

5-7. I'm as bad at picking lines as I am at writing. Oh well. Let's try it again...

Atl +4.5 against Ne- My guess is that this will be a very high scoring game, but that ultimately the falcons will either win or will at least keep it close. Gotta take the points on this one.

Hou -4 against Jac- The jags burned me last week by getting blown out at home to the cards. Meanwhile Houston threw down a billion points on tenn, all while Matt Charles Schaub was on my bench in two different leagues. This week I start Schaub and I win this line.

Ten +2.5 against the NyJ- OK, maybe I'm a moron about this, but I refuse to believe in the jets. Last year it was Miami, this year its J-E-T-S. They could go undefeated and I'd still tell you they suck donkey balls. I'm glad they beat the pats though.

Chi -2.5 against Sea- Here's where all the talk about the Cutler/Orton trade turns back in favor of Cutler. Maybe all the idiot customers I help at the bank will finally shut up about how great they think Orton is.

Oak -1 over Den- It's a lock. A gimme. A sure fucking thing. I may miss on the rest of the lines, but I'll win this one.

Mia +6 over Sd- Everyones favorite Dr. Chris L. says that taking points against the bolts is the sure way to win a line bet. I'm going to trust that his nay saying is not a product of hate-goggles, but is an accurate reading of a professional sports team by a true fan that knows them better than they know themselves.

Bitchfest

Somebody hand me a rape kit, I've got evidence to collect. The football gods had their way with me yet again, then left me bruised and bloody by the side of the gridiron. It was ugly. For the second week in a row I went 1-3 in fantasy. I am now 0-2 in both my big pay leagues. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. The dream of reaching the playoffs in either of the leagues I care about is dead. The season is as good as over. Goodbye, cruel fantasy world.

I've got some good news though. You won't have to hear me bitch about this any more. Since the fantasy football season is dead to me now, there's nothing more to say about it. It's buried in the backyard next to Fido and the Dagger of Lokin. May they rest in pieces.

The cruelty of the football gods did not end with fantasy. In Broncosland, they dangled the carrot of hope, leading me to wonder if the donks aren't as bad as I thought. This will not end well. Hope is the kissing cousin of disappointment and despair. They're probably making out right now, those dirty sluts. It's really too bad the donks have won their first two games. It'll only make the next eleven consecutive losses in a row feel all the worse. The unraveling will begin with Oakland and won't end until the donks lose to the colts on Dec. 13th. Then, as if to give us an early x-mas gift, the donks will win their third game of the season against the raiders at home on Dec. 20th. Mark it on your calender, boys and girls. You won't want to miss it.

What else, what else? Oh yes, the line bets. Everyone and their insurance selling duck told me my picks were a joke. Well, they were right. I went 2-4 this week, which brings me to a less than stellar total of 5-7. Were I actually betting on these games, I'd be in the red and dropping.

My government has saved me from myself.

I have six weeks to figure this shit out before I go to Vegas. Something tells me though I won't. The football gods, you see, are cruel. And they aren't done with me yet.