Random Thoughts (and Line Bets)

I had a really weird dream the other night, and I'd like to share it with you if you don't mind. Don't worry, I'll give you the cliff notes version.

Basically, I dreamt that I had died, and that I was sent to Hell. Waiting for me at the gates to Hell was Bill Cosby who was assigned to be my guide and show me around. Bill was very unhappy to have to do this, and he didn't put much effort into it. He just pointed and said, "there's the lake of fire" and "there's the smoldering abyss", without any kind of enthusiasm what so ever. He was very unpleasant, and no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he refused to say, "Eat the pudding." What a dick.

-- Here's a riddle for you: Who has two thumbs and is going to the Giants/Broncos game on Thanksgiving Day? Answer: This guy! (Oh, you should picture me pointing at myself with my thumbs. Thanks). I'm super psyched. I got the tickets from one of my customers at the bank. He can't go to the game because he's spending the week in Mexico, and so he asked if I'd like to buy them from him. I said, "Fuck yeah." The next thing you know, I'm handing him cash and he's handing me tickets. Crazy cool, right? Of course, chances are pretty strong that I'll die in a plane crash next week and won't get to go. In case that happens, I'd like to make it official right now that I want the tickets to go to whoever calls me a tool the most times at my funeral.

-- As most of you may have heard, Daniel and I had a wager going last week as to which of our teams would win in our Core de la Hard fantasy football league. I thought his team would win, and he thought mine would. Of course, I won. Daniel is a fantasy football genius. The terms of the bet were that whoever lost would have to write the first sentence of the Mace of Dominion. Well, that and the winner gets to pick the loser's first drink in Vegas. Just today I received Daniel's opening to the MoD, and I have to say it's damn good. But don't take my word for it. Read it yourself.

"An ill wind billowed from the mouths of the Caverns of Chaos, spinning gnarled balls of devil's briar across the plains of Abaddon, breezing unnoticed past the impervious midnight black Tower of Sedimm, which failed even to reflect the silvery splotches of dueling moonlight that adorned the barren rocky landscape." -- Daniel C.

If Daniel is cool with it, I'm going to go ahead and use his sentence. The rest of the book will suck, but at least it'll start off good.

-- I really want to talk Vegas, but first let me get these stupid week 7 picks out of the way. I was 4-3 last week (my best performance yet), putting me at a dismal 12-19 for the year. My goal is to be better than .500 by the end of the season. Yeah, that's not happening. Actually, I don't care how I do for the year. What matters is how well I do next week when it really counts. Anyway, here are my picks.

Clv +9.5 Vs Gb- So here's my theory- the Browns are the best of the worst. They're awful, but there not as bad as Vegas seems to think they are. So until I'm wrong about this, I'm going to take points with the Browns and assume that though they will lose, they won't lose as bad as predicted.

Stl +14 Vs Ind- I'm cringing even as I type this, but something tells me that the Rams get their shit together just enough this week to make a game of this. Again, I'm not picking the Rams to win, only to lose by 13 pts or less. I know, I know. Manning is going to torch them and I'll probably look the fool. I told you I was lousy at this.

Pit -5.5 Vs Min- Here's why I'm taking the Steelers- because the gambling gods know I want the Vikes to win, and thus they won't let it happen. If the vikes were to win, they'd go to Green Bay next week undefeated, setting up the perfect moneyline bet. Just imagine, Bret Favre going back to Lambeau at 7-0. The Vikes would be favored, and I'd bet heavy on the pack. But NO. The vikes will lose to the Steelers and next week's line won't be worth betting. Lame.

Oak +6.5 Vs NyJ- Something strange is happening in Oakland, and I don't like it. The jets had better not let these punks win.

NyG -7 Vs Ari- Fuck if I know.


The Vegas Attack Plan- I've been thinking about Vegas for weeks now, and I think I've finally come up with my strategy for the big weekend. First off, I'm going to keep a detailed account of all my wagers. No more estimating how much I'm up or down. When the weekend is over I'm going to know exactly how I did, good or bad, and I'm going to post the results right here for all the world to see (the world being the three people who read this).

Here's what I'm thinking- I'm going to start with $100 walking around money (or in other words, slot money). Since we'll probably be wandering around on Halloween night, I figure I'll set aside some cash to play random slots just for the fuck of it. A couple of bucks here, a couple there. Maybe a high limits machine or two. Whatever whatever, I'll do what i want. So basically, I pretty much plan to start off the trip down a hundred. Hey, it's for a good cause.

Next I'm going to throw down about $100 on a couple of Saturday games. Most likely it'll be on hockey, but I might dabble a bit with college football as well. According to Zach, Buffalo over the NY Islanders and Montreal over Toronto are solid bets. Maybe I'll parley them. It's going to get crazy, folks.

The rest of my money will go to betting Pro Football, and most of that to betting against the donks. I know it seems crazy with the donks being 6-0 (both in wins for the season and against the lines), but my gut still tells me that they can't win in Baltimore. Everyone and their pet chinchilla has been warning me not to bet against the donks, and I can see their point. This isn't the same donks team that always lost to the Jags, or the team that always got blown out by the Chargers. This isn't a team I can just assume is overrated.

That being said, this team is highly overrated. They're this years Tennessee Titans. Sure they'll finish with a pretty good record, but they'll just get bumped by the first team they play in the playoffs.

Hey, betting against the donks is what I do. It's who I am. It's in my blood. Just like I'll always be certain that the plane I'm on is going to crash, I'll always be certain that the donks are going to choke.

So I'm pushing all my chips in. Well, a lot of them anyway. And for those of you ready to pronounce me a fool, I have two words for you. Kyle Orton. The man is due. He's due for a game filled with mistakes, with picks and fumbles and sacks galore. He's due for a game that reminds everyone who he is. He's Kyle "can someone please hand me a tissue" Orton.

Against the Ravens, it will finally happen, and I'm going to be in Vegas to bank on it when it does.

And if the donks do somehow win, well it's only money. Well, Steph's hard earned money. But she won't mind. She'll be just as happy as I will be that the donks are 7-0.