Random Thoughts (1-23-10)

I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I still don't have anything worthwhile to say. But as always, that's never stopped me before....

-- Someday, when I'm finally named king, my first decree will be to abolish the pointless ritual of saying "bless you" after someone sneezes. I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. Why the fuck is it my responsibility to wish good fortunes upon someone just because they have a compulsive explosion of air from their lungs through their nose? So what if their nasal mucosa is being irritated by foreign particles? That's no reason for me to wish godly favors upon them. I hardly think a sneeze is worth good tidings of any sort. Really, shouldn't we be cursing people who sneeze near us? After all, they're spreading their unwanted germs through the air and increasing the chances that we'll get sick. Anyway, as soon as everyone agrees that I'm king, no more of that nonsense.

-- My second decree will be the introduction of a new, world holiday- Boobies Day! Damn straight. There is not nearly enough random, female nudity in our lives. Not even close. Seriously, what is with women and their irrational insistence on always wearing clothes? Do they not see how lame life is? Do they not understand how much cooler our lives would be if they would just flash a little nip every once in a while? Just think of how much better this world would be if women were prone to public disrobing. Surely, it would end world hunger. It would definitely end road rage. In all likely hood, we would have peace on earth.

The basics of Boobies Day is this- every Boobies Day (which btw would be April 25th), women 21 years or older would be required by law to flash any man who requests it of them. Basically it would be like Mardi Gras, only without the beads. You see, originally I was going to have Topless Day, where all women would be required, by law mind you, to walk around topless. Well, apparently not everyone is keen on this idea. Several of my soon-to-be subjects have pointed out to me that some women (like grandmas and Rosie O'Donnell) really should stay clothed. Fair enough. So instead, Boobies Day will allow us guys to pick and choose the boobies to be displayed. For those of you who aren't thrilled with this decree- well too fucking bad! I'm the one that's going to be named King soon, so just deal.

-- My third decree- all women are henceforth bisexual. Nothings really changed there, except that women can no longer pretend that they're not down with chicks. It's OK ladies, we're totally cool with it. Honest. So just stop pretending otherwise.

-- Damn it's going to be cool when I'm king.

-- I hate bank customers. You probably know this already. They just won't fucking shut up. Ever. All day long, it's weather this, and sports that. It's fuck Bush and fuck Obama all damn day. Lately though, it's their non-stop talk about global warming that's tempting me to end it all with a quick jab of a pen to my skull. Now, I don't have a dog in the global warming fight. Could be true. Could be a lie. I don't know, nor do I really care. I plan on dying at some point in the next seventy years either way. Really, I'll just go with whatever the Black Tower has to say about it. The customers I help every day though, they know the truth with all certainty. Of course, 99% of them are just spouting whatever the talking heads they listen to say. Whatever. All that is fine. What really gets me though is that no matter who's yapping at me about global warming, and no matter what side their on, they'll always point to that day's weather as proof that their belief is right. If it's warm, the dolt I'm helping will tell me, "And they say global warming isn't real." If it's cold, the person will say, "So much for global warming. It's freezing out there." Really? Am I to believe that these people actually think that the weather in Lakewood Colorado on any given day is proof that global warming is or isn't real? Really?
One quick jab and it'll all be over.

-- I have some news on the book front. I recently e-mailed amazon to inquire about making the Dagger of Lokin available for download on the Kindle. I sent them a few chapters to sample and asked what the process would be. In their reply, Amazon informed me that they would indeed accept the DoL for the kindle, so long as I was willing to pay $2.99 every time someone downloaded the book. Based on the poor quality of the writing, Amazon felt that not only should the book be free for download, but that I should have to pay the customer for downloading and suffering through it. Bummer.

-- I only have two weeks left to finish the prologue for the Mace of Dominion, and I don't have a single sentence of it written yet. There is nothing more terrifying than a blank piece of paper.

-- I hate getting older. I'm only 32 and yet I'm already seeing the signs. My memory is already starting to slip. For instance, I seem to recall vowing to cut back on drinking. Only I'm not sure I really did. My memory of it is just so hazy....

-- Someday, when I am named King of the world, I will appoint someone witty and charming to write my blogs for me, so that none of you have to suffer through this crap again. Hold on peeps, your plight is almost finished.