$50 Says You Won't Care About This, But...

It seriously pisses me off that I can't legally bet on football.

I made the mistake of swinging by my former gambling site to take a peek at the week 1 lines, and it kicked me square in the nuts. Why the fuck is online gambling illegal? It makes no sense to me why the government should care if I want to drop $50 on my suspicions that the Bengals are going to bitch-slap the donks on Sunday. None.

Seeing the old site got my juices flowing, to say the least. Like a lot, a lot. I'm like a 13 year old boy who's stumbled across his first batch of porn. The urge to gamble got so bad I called Zach up and begged him to let me use one of his credit cards to open an account (the nice people who run the gambling site informed me that they can now take MasterCard, which I do not have. I only have Visa). Zach agreed, but I eventually came to my senses and back tracked on my request. Knowing my luck, Zach would get arrested for illegal gambling, thrown into the slammer, ass-raped by some guy named Bubba, and then he'd blame me for it for the rest of our lives.

As much as it pains me not to have money on this weekend's games, I'm going to suck it up and do the next best thing. I'm going to pick the lines and see how well I would have done. If it turns out I would've done poorly, than praise Jesus and the U.S. government both. If it ends up I would've scored a towering pile of cash, then I will wallow in bitterness and write an angry letter to my uncaring congressman (who's probably banging his mistress even as I type this, that no good, cheating bastard).

For the next 17 weeks of the NFL regular season, I will pick the lines I would have bet on and keep a running tally of the results. Plus I'll throw in a Vegas blog after Halloween weekend detailing the bets I made there and how I did. At the end of the season, we'll see if I would have made money or lost it.

Alright, enough explanation. Here are my picks for week 1.

Cin -4.5 over Den- Talk about a gimme. This line is just begging to pay out. It's a complete and total slut of a line. How is Vegas only giving the Bengals four points on this? They know Kyle Orton is our QB now, right? They know Josh McDouchebag is running the show now, right? Four points? Seriously, this is the Lindsay Lohan of betting lines. Just slip on a condom and go to work. In fact, I am so sure that the Bengals will cover the spread that I'll throw down my own personal wager on it- if I lose this bet, I won't drink a single drop of alcohol between Oct. 1st and Oct. 3oth. For the month of October, I won't drink until I'm in Vegas on Halloween. Lucky for me though, there's no way I'm losing.

Atl -4 over Mia- Here is a perfect example of how Vegas doesn't know shit about setting lines for week 1 of the NFL season. Atlanta is an offensive juggernaut waiting to happen, and they're playing at home against a team that overachieved last year. The Dolphins are not as good as people (or Vegas) think. The wildcat formation is so last year, as are Chad Pennington and Ronnie Brown. Atlanta will win easily by at least a TD.

Houston -4.5 over NyJ- OK, maybe the Houston Texans aren't going to be as good as everybody says they will. But I have five words for you- Rookie Quarterback on the Road. I'll take a home team going against a rookie quarterback in his first start any time.

Phi -2.5 over Car- Remember last years playoff game between the Cards and Panthers? This game will play out pretty much the same, only the visiting team will be wearing green and white.

Green Bay -4.5 over Chi- Don't get me wrong. Cutler is a pimp, and the Bears will have an epic season. This game is at Green Bay though, and the Pack are about to reclaim the NFC North. Pack by at least a TD.

New England -11 Over Buffalo- Fuck I hate New England.


Check in next week for the results and a new batch of picks for week 2.