30 Second Blog/5 Minute Blog (6-24-09)

Two blogs for the price of one! Let's get to it.

The 30 Second Blog-

The following is a word for word conversation one of my customers was having on her cell phone while I helped her today. She came to my window without being called, tossed her bundle of cash ($250 in one dollar bills) across the counter, and proceeded to blah-blah without once saying a word to me. She didn't even look at me. Not once. I may as well not have existed. Which is fine. It gave me ample opportunity to stare at her tits. Anyway, as soon as she left I jotted down everything she'd said.

After tossing her cash to me, she dropped to a crouch, her hands grabbing hold of the counter as if to keep her from falling to the floor. When she finally stopped laughing and stood back up, she said,

"Just rub it all over me. I mean, seriously. Or poke me with it."

"No, I'm serious."

"They even sent some girls home. I think one was pregnant."

"Exactly. I mean, what guy would even want to?

"I know!"

And then she left. Man I love my customers.

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The 5 Minute Blog-

People! You're not nearly as excited about fantasy football as you should be, which is why I'm posting my own top ten player rankings list for you to peruse. As you'll recall, I posted a similar list from yahoo a short while ago, showing you how ridiculous the first round of our upcoming drafts will be (based on the absurdity of who the "experts" think you should pick). Well here now is a list that will help guide you through the maelstrom of potential low value picks and busts. Use it to safely navigate the rift raft in your search for top tier performers. If you do, you will be guaranteed to make the playoffs in whatever league you play. You're welcome.

#1) Trade. Yeah, you read it right. Trade. If you have the #1 pick in your draft, get rid of it. Trade as far down as you can. It may sound ridiculous, but chances are whoever you pick here is going to be a bust. Unless you have the balls to gamble in this spot and take a more risky pick (an upcoming Rb or top tier Qb), you'll most likely spend the rest of the year cursing whoever you pick for not panning out. Plus, having the #1 pick, you're next selection won't come until either pick 20 or 24, depending on the number of teams in your league. Trust your inner Josh McDaniels and drop this pick like it's hot.

#2- 4) Michael Turner, Matt Forte, or Steve Slatton- Taking any one of these guys in the 2-4 slots is a low risk gamble with lots of upside. Turner, who finished 2nd in yards last year, is a goal-line beast on a team that gets into the redzone often. Forte will benefit greatly from the addition of Cutler, especially in catching balls out of the backfield. And Slatton, I believe, is on the verge of a breakout season with the Texans. Slatton though might still be around by the 2nd round, if there's a run on Qbs. He's the biggest stretch here.

#5) Drew Brees. Talk all you want about Brady and P. Manning, but Brees has played better than both of them over the last two years (yes, I know Brady didn't play last year. So what?). He threw for 5,069 yards and 34 tds! Brees is in his prime, he's healthy, and he still has something to prove.

#6) Tom Brady. The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Start dealing with it now by drafting Tom to your fantasy team. You may as well enjoy fantasy success while the golden boy continues living the dream.

#7, 8)- P. Manning or P. Rivers- As much as it pains me to admit it, the days of drafting only running backs in the first round our over. They're as dead as the Dagger of Lokin. Not only is drafting a qb in the first round wise, but unless you draft in the first half of the round, you may as well nab a top tier qb while the getting is good. At this point, you'll soon be making your second pick where you'll have another chance to get a decent rb (possibly DeAngelo Williams, Frank Gore, or Brian Westbrook).

#9)- Adrian Peterson- There's no way Peterson drops this far. In most leagues he'll probably go #1, which to me is absurd. The man ranked first in rushing yards last year, but was 13th in tds among Rbs. He's not worth a first rd pick unless you can grab him late in the round, which means you should just try to avoid him. If you can get him this late, try pairing him with another decent back with your second pick. That's the only way I see Peterson being of serious value here.

#10) I don't fucking know- Listen to me go on about who you should pick. What do I know? Fantasy drafts are nothing but crap shoots. So don't listen to me. And don't listen to experts. Go with your gut. Why are you even reading this any way? It's June! Call me in late August and we'll talk. Goodness.