The Predominately Orange Apocalypse Has Arrived

Repent all ye Broncos fans, for the end is nigh! The predominantly orange apocalypse is upon us. We are all doomed.

Don't you read Revelations, people?

REV 11:15- The Seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: What on earth is McDaniels thinking? Trade Cutler to the Bears? For Kyle Fucking Orton? Pro Bowl quarterbacks just don't grow on trees. Not even in the Garden of Eden they don't.

REV 6:12- I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake throughout Broncosland. The sun turned black for all predominantly orange of heart, like sackcloth made of burnt Cutler jerseys. The whole moon turned blood red like the uniforms of the enemy chiefs who would now vanquish the once proud donks forever more. And the stars in the sky fell to the earth like the tears of children whose dreams of watching Cutler strong arm balls between helpless cornerbacks while wearing the orange and blue were forever blighted. The hopes of Broncos fans to see another championship receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every possibility for playoff appearances and gridiron domination was removed from its place.


OK, maybe comparing the pending Cutler trade to the end times is a tad much. What can I say? I love hyperbole. That being said, I'm not really joking.

The Cutler trade is a huge mistake, an epic mistake that I predict will have lasting consequences for the Broncos. Of course, there's nothing that can be done about it now. Cutler is gone. The brat didn't want to play for a team that hurt his feelings, and his refusal to communicate with the donks forced their hand. Despite his crybaby antics though, Cutler is not the one to blame. McDaniels is the architect of the Broncos demise, as he was the idiot who thought it a good idea to try to get rid of Cutler in the first place.

Pro bowl quarterbacks are about as rare as women who like porn. The odds of finding one are slim. Yet McDaniels decided that Cutler was expendable. So now the Broncos are truly attempting the impossible- to find a pro bowl quarterback after throwing one away. And they have about as much chance of doing that as I do of getting published.

See! I just started a sentence with a conjunction. And I do it all the time! I'm a horrible writer. You can't start sentences with conjunctions. And you can't treat a franchise quarterback like they're a journeyman QB, such as say Kyle Orton, who ironically is now the Broncos #1 man.

The worst part of all of this though is that most of Broncos nation is siding with McDaniels. He who has caused the predominately orange apocalypse is the one getting the benefit of the doubt. All day long at the bank today (both before and after the news of the trade), the imbeciles (err, I mean customers) I helped were ecstatic that Cutler was getting the boot. Good Riddance, they said. He's a whiny bitch, they said. Can I have my balance, they said.

What bullshit.

A year from now these people will be calling for McDaniels' head. Three years from now they'll claim they were against the trade the whole time, and that they always knew that Cutler was the man. Fast forward twenty years from now, and those bastards will be telling their imbecile children all about how the McJaygate Curse started, leaving out of course the part about how they were cheering Cutler's departure.

Yeah, I said it. Curse. That's what we're headed for, true believers. Trades like this one are exactly how sports curses are born. It's karma. You can't just dump a player with Cutler's talent without serious repercussions. The football gods will not allow it. McDaniels not only fucked this year's squad, he fucked all the squads to come.

If you've got a goat, you should think about sacrificing it now.

The days of Broncos championships are over. The Broncos, thanks to McDaniels, are chumps, and they will be for a very long time. Barring some kind of miracle draft (like the donks find the next LT or something), the donks are headed for disaster. You need only look to the Detroit Lions to see the difficulty of defeating a culture of losing. With one of the leagues worst defenses and with an offense now in shambles, losing is exactly what the Broncos will be doing for quite some time. Maybe even permanently.

Even worse than the losing though will be the knowledge of what could have been. Jay was our quarterback. The playoff wins he will inevitably have with the Bears should have been ours. The 4000+ yard seasons should have been in orange and blue, not orange and black. His rings should have been won in Denver.

Instead, Cutler will rise to glory in Chicago, leaving Broncos fans with only Kyle Orton to face the predominantly orange apocalypse to come.

The end is nigh.


Predictions of a Naysayer-

I wouldn't so much call these predictions. More like prophecies. Here now is a glimpse of the future.

-- McDaniel's will be fired after his second year. Broncosnation (including the morons who cheered Cutler's banishment) will rejoice at the evil one's demise. Their joy will be short lived however, as the inept team that McDaniel's leaves will continue to wallow in mediocrity for years and years to come.

-- In Chicago, Jay Cutler will dominate. In his first five seasons, he will have more Pro Bowl selections than the Broncos will have playoff appearances. He will get the Bears to the playoffs in year one of his career in the windy city, and eventually he will win them a Super Bowl. The Broncos didn't just trade a top five QB, they traded away a championship.

-- The Broncos will suck so bad over the next five years that Bowlen will finally decide to sell the team. Unfortunately for the incoming owner, the McJaygate Curse will pass to him with the purchase.

-- Eventually Broncos fans will come to look at Cutler the same way Colts fans look at Elway. They won't remember that Cutler was a crybaby bitch. They won't remember that he abandoned the team. By the end of his career, Cutler will be a Super Bowl champion, and Broncos fans will be left to imagine how sweet it could have been.

It's times like these that I question the irrational love affair I have for a sports team. Why the hell should I care? What does it matter? I could logic it to death though and it wouldn't change a thing. The donks are my team, and they always will be, no matter how many times they kick me in the nuts.

But damn it, it stings.

One last thing- for those of you who aren't glued to espnnews, it's fucking Christmas in Chicago right now. Bears fans are collectively creaming their pants. Meanwhile in Denver, we're stuck with Kyle Orton and a handful of draft picks we will inevitably waste.

Who do you think got the better end of the trade?