Two blogs for the price of one! Let's get to it.
The 30 Second Blog-
The following is a word for word conversation one of my customers was having on her cell phone while I helped her today. She came to my window without being called, tossed her bundle of cash ($250 in one dollar bills) across the counter, and proceeded to blah-blah without once saying a word to me. She didn't even look at me. Not once. I may as well not have existed. Which is fine. It gave me ample opportunity to stare at her tits. Anyway, as soon as she left I jotted down everything she'd said.
After tossing her cash to me, she dropped to a crouch, her hands grabbing hold of the counter as if to keep her from falling to the floor. When she finally stopped laughing and stood back up, she said,
"Just rub it all over me. I mean, seriously. Or poke me with it."
"No, I'm serious."
"They even sent some girls home. I think one was pregnant."
"Exactly. I mean, what guy would even want to?
"I know!"
And then she left. Man I love my customers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 5 Minute Blog-
People! You're not nearly as excited about fantasy football as you should be, which is why I'm posting my own top ten player rankings list for you to peruse. As you'll recall, I posted a similar list from yahoo a short while ago, showing you how ridiculous the first round of our upcoming drafts will be (based on the absurdity of who the "experts" think you should pick). Well here now is a list that will help guide you through the maelstrom of potential low value picks and busts. Use it to safely navigate the rift raft in your search for top tier performers. If you do, you will be guaranteed to make the playoffs in whatever league you play. You're welcome.
#1) Trade. Yeah, you read it right. Trade. If you have the #1 pick in your draft, get rid of it. Trade as far down as you can. It may sound ridiculous, but chances are whoever you pick here is going to be a bust. Unless you have the balls to gamble in this spot and take a more risky pick (an upcoming Rb or top tier Qb), you'll most likely spend the rest of the year cursing whoever you pick for not panning out. Plus, having the #1 pick, you're next selection won't come until either pick 20 or 24, depending on the number of teams in your league. Trust your inner Josh McDaniels and drop this pick like it's hot.
#2- 4) Michael Turner, Matt Forte, or Steve Slatton- Taking any one of these guys in the 2-4 slots is a low risk gamble with lots of upside. Turner, who finished 2nd in yards last year, is a goal-line beast on a team that gets into the redzone often. Forte will benefit greatly from the addition of Cutler, especially in catching balls out of the backfield. And Slatton, I believe, is on the verge of a breakout season with the Texans. Slatton though might still be around by the 2nd round, if there's a run on Qbs. He's the biggest stretch here.
#5) Drew Brees. Talk all you want about Brady and P. Manning, but Brees has played better than both of them over the last two years (yes, I know Brady didn't play last year. So what?). He threw for 5,069 yards and 34 tds! Brees is in his prime, he's healthy, and he still has something to prove.
#6) Tom Brady. The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Start dealing with it now by drafting Tom to your fantasy team. You may as well enjoy fantasy success while the golden boy continues living the dream.
#7, 8)- P. Manning or P. Rivers- As much as it pains me to admit it, the days of drafting only running backs in the first round our over. They're as dead as the Dagger of Lokin. Not only is drafting a qb in the first round wise, but unless you draft in the first half of the round, you may as well nab a top tier qb while the getting is good. At this point, you'll soon be making your second pick where you'll have another chance to get a decent rb (possibly DeAngelo Williams, Frank Gore, or Brian Westbrook).
#9)- Adrian Peterson- There's no way Peterson drops this far. In most leagues he'll probably go #1, which to me is absurd. The man ranked first in rushing yards last year, but was 13th in tds among Rbs. He's not worth a first rd pick unless you can grab him late in the round, which means you should just try to avoid him. If you can get him this late, try pairing him with another decent back with your second pick. That's the only way I see Peterson being of serious value here.
#10) I don't fucking know- Listen to me go on about who you should pick. What do I know? Fantasy drafts are nothing but crap shoots. So don't listen to me. And don't listen to experts. Go with your gut. Why are you even reading this any way? It's June! Call me in late August and we'll talk. Goodness.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Random Thoughts (A Semi-Drunken Blog)
Let me pick your brain for a second.
Imagine you wake up one morning to find that everyone's view of what is considered sexually attractive in a lover has changed. The change is universal for everyone (except you). Whatever a person's tastes were before, it is now agreed by everyone (men and women both) that obesity is the ultimate in sexual attractiveness. The fatter a person is, the hotter they are. Skinny and athletic people are considered completely unattractive. Skinny and athletic people wish they were fat. They want to be obese, and they want their lovers to be obese.
For you though, your tastes in the opposite sex are unchanged. What was attractive to you before is still hot to you now. However, the way others see you (and of how they rate your attractiveness) is changed by this new world prerogative. If you aren't obese, you're just not hot. Not even close.
So here's my question- despite the health risks still associated with obesity, do you let yourself go, and how fat do you let yourself get?
Personally, I go Fat Albert.
- Poor, silly Zach. He's seen over the years how unwise it is to make bets against me, yet still he comes to me with a sports wager, hoping to beat the odds and steal a win from me. Before I reveal the bet we've made, dear reader, let me first give you the terms. If Zach wins I have to write pro-broncos blogs (with positive elbow swinging galore) for three whole months. Nothing but love. If I win, Zach has to take over the duty of making New Shit burns for three months. Not bad, eh? So here's the bet- which team will have a worse winning percentage next season, the donks or the avs? As you may have guessed, I have picked the donks, and Zach has taken the avs. Silly Zach.
- What ever happened to cloning? Remember when, like five minutes ago, cloning was the big topic everyone was talking about. Scientists were cloning just about everything- cows, cats, dogs, rice, organs, Jango Fett, Ted Williams. It was the epic controversy of our time. Suddenly, not a word.
As most of you know, I'm not really keen on the idea of being a dad. It's just not me. I'd rather spend my time and energy wasting my own life instead of shaping the life of another. Still, I might be tempted to have a kid if it was my very own clone. Not for any narcissistic reasons mind you, but just to see how different a genetic duplicate of me could be. It would be a fun experiment. How much of who we are is nature, and how much of it is caused by the shit thrown at us? Would my clone be a tool? Would he write an unpublishable novel? Would he develop the same fetish for lesbians?
Curious minds want to know.
- Daniel, Steph, and I just got back from a Rockies game. We left in the 8th inning with the Rox down 7-4. They tied it in the 8th with a three run homer, then won it in the ninth with a two run homer.
You're welcome, Rox. Had we stayed, you would have lost.
Imagine you wake up one morning to find that everyone's view of what is considered sexually attractive in a lover has changed. The change is universal for everyone (except you). Whatever a person's tastes were before, it is now agreed by everyone (men and women both) that obesity is the ultimate in sexual attractiveness. The fatter a person is, the hotter they are. Skinny and athletic people are considered completely unattractive. Skinny and athletic people wish they were fat. They want to be obese, and they want their lovers to be obese.
For you though, your tastes in the opposite sex are unchanged. What was attractive to you before is still hot to you now. However, the way others see you (and of how they rate your attractiveness) is changed by this new world prerogative. If you aren't obese, you're just not hot. Not even close.
So here's my question- despite the health risks still associated with obesity, do you let yourself go, and how fat do you let yourself get?
Personally, I go Fat Albert.
- Poor, silly Zach. He's seen over the years how unwise it is to make bets against me, yet still he comes to me with a sports wager, hoping to beat the odds and steal a win from me. Before I reveal the bet we've made, dear reader, let me first give you the terms. If Zach wins I have to write pro-broncos blogs (with positive elbow swinging galore) for three whole months. Nothing but love. If I win, Zach has to take over the duty of making New Shit burns for three months. Not bad, eh? So here's the bet- which team will have a worse winning percentage next season, the donks or the avs? As you may have guessed, I have picked the donks, and Zach has taken the avs. Silly Zach.
- What ever happened to cloning? Remember when, like five minutes ago, cloning was the big topic everyone was talking about. Scientists were cloning just about everything- cows, cats, dogs, rice, organs, Jango Fett, Ted Williams. It was the epic controversy of our time. Suddenly, not a word.
As most of you know, I'm not really keen on the idea of being a dad. It's just not me. I'd rather spend my time and energy wasting my own life instead of shaping the life of another. Still, I might be tempted to have a kid if it was my very own clone. Not for any narcissistic reasons mind you, but just to see how different a genetic duplicate of me could be. It would be a fun experiment. How much of who we are is nature, and how much of it is caused by the shit thrown at us? Would my clone be a tool? Would he write an unpublishable novel? Would he develop the same fetish for lesbians?
Curious minds want to know.
- Daniel, Steph, and I just got back from a Rockies game. We left in the 8th inning with the Rox down 7-4. They tied it in the 8th with a three run homer, then won it in the ninth with a two run homer.
You're welcome, Rox. Had we stayed, you would have lost.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
It's June 15th and I Want to Talk Fantasy Football
Don't say it. Don't even say it.
I'm fully aware it's too early to set up a fantasy football league. Way too early. It's only June! Well, I did it anyway. Hockey is over. Basketball is done. Baseball is pointless until October. We're stuck in sports limbo, people. I'm sorry, but it's time to start over hyping the next football season. And what better way to do just that than to get the mighty Steak or Death fantasy football league up and running?
If you're one of the lucky invites, I encourage you to hurry over to the league page and set up your team. Do it now! Make a team, read the commissioner's note, and let's start talking football.
Football, baby!
I've been waiting since February to talk fantasy football. I've been dying to talk about it. And so have you, true fan, whether you're willing to admit it or not. How could you not be excited about it? After all, this year's fantasy draft is going to be the most interesting, most intriguing, most difficult draft in the history of fantasy football. It's going to be the coolest thing ever.
Don't believe me? Then just look at yahoo's current player rankings (listed below). Look at their top ten players and tell me the list isn't totally fucked up. It's a complete mess, because there's no sure thing. There's no clear value no matter what position you draft. It used to be you would take a player like LT at #1, and he'd get you 2-4 Tds a game (6-7 if he was playing the Broncos). There wasn't the slightest worry in the pick. You knew, knew Lt would pay out. Now? Now there's no such thing as a sure thing. In fact, chances are whoever you draft in the 1st round is going to be a bust.
Look at the list.
1. Adrian Peterson (A safe pick at #1, but not sexy. He gets yards, but not enough Tds. Yawn.)
2. Michael Turner (Turner the Burner was a bad ass last year. Is he worth the #2 spot though?)
3. Maurice Jones-Drew (Are you fucking kidding me? Anyone who takes Jones here is a complete moron).
4. Matt Forte- (Like Peterson, safe but not sexy. Will Cutler's presence help? Maybe.)
5. Brian Westbrook- (Can Westbrook even stay on the field?)
6. DeAngelo Williams- (Started out slow, then had huge numbers late. Not worth the six spot though.)
7. LaDainian Tomlinson-(Here's your wild card. If LT can produce like he once did, this could be the steal of the draft. That's a big if.)
8. Larry Fitzgerald- (Usually, taking a Wr with your first pick is unwise. This year, it might work.)
9. Steven Jackson- (How many years in a row has this guy been a bust? You want him, you got him.)
10. Frank Gore- (OK, at the ten spot, this is a decent pick. Maybe.)
Do you see what I'm talking about? Combine the fact that the list above is awful with the fact that people will reach for top tier qbs early and you have yourself a completely fucked up draft.
I for one can't wait.
I'm fully aware it's too early to set up a fantasy football league. Way too early. It's only June! Well, I did it anyway. Hockey is over. Basketball is done. Baseball is pointless until October. We're stuck in sports limbo, people. I'm sorry, but it's time to start over hyping the next football season. And what better way to do just that than to get the mighty Steak or Death fantasy football league up and running?
If you're one of the lucky invites, I encourage you to hurry over to the league page and set up your team. Do it now! Make a team, read the commissioner's note, and let's start talking football.
Football, baby!
I've been waiting since February to talk fantasy football. I've been dying to talk about it. And so have you, true fan, whether you're willing to admit it or not. How could you not be excited about it? After all, this year's fantasy draft is going to be the most interesting, most intriguing, most difficult draft in the history of fantasy football. It's going to be the coolest thing ever.
Don't believe me? Then just look at yahoo's current player rankings (listed below). Look at their top ten players and tell me the list isn't totally fucked up. It's a complete mess, because there's no sure thing. There's no clear value no matter what position you draft. It used to be you would take a player like LT at #1, and he'd get you 2-4 Tds a game (6-7 if he was playing the Broncos). There wasn't the slightest worry in the pick. You knew, knew Lt would pay out. Now? Now there's no such thing as a sure thing. In fact, chances are whoever you draft in the 1st round is going to be a bust.
Look at the list.
1. Adrian Peterson (A safe pick at #1, but not sexy. He gets yards, but not enough Tds. Yawn.)
2. Michael Turner (Turner the Burner was a bad ass last year. Is he worth the #2 spot though?)
3. Maurice Jones-Drew (Are you fucking kidding me? Anyone who takes Jones here is a complete moron).
4. Matt Forte- (Like Peterson, safe but not sexy. Will Cutler's presence help? Maybe.)
5. Brian Westbrook- (Can Westbrook even stay on the field?)
6. DeAngelo Williams- (Started out slow, then had huge numbers late. Not worth the six spot though.)
7. LaDainian Tomlinson-(Here's your wild card. If LT can produce like he once did, this could be the steal of the draft. That's a big if.)
8. Larry Fitzgerald- (Usually, taking a Wr with your first pick is unwise. This year, it might work.)
9. Steven Jackson- (How many years in a row has this guy been a bust? You want him, you got him.)
10. Frank Gore- (OK, at the ten spot, this is a decent pick. Maybe.)
Do you see what I'm talking about? Combine the fact that the list above is awful with the fact that people will reach for top tier qbs early and you have yourself a completely fucked up draft.
I for one can't wait.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I Love You, Man
The second round of the poker night just ended, and I'm drunk enough to finally tell you all exactly what I think of you.
Before I do that though- I am not responsible for anything I say or do beyond this point. I am way too drunk to be responsible for my words or actions. This is all Steph's fault. She poured the drinks.
k.
I am a tool.
You're all my friends because you're cool with that.
Dr. Chris, I don't blame you for killing me in a helicopter crash. Who knew?
Fuck you, Kyle Orton. Thanks for ruining my 2009.
Aries, I understand you're angry because we cut off your balls. I think I'd spend the rest of my life hissing at everyone if that was done to me.
Daniel, your pathwords score proves that the Dagger of Lokin will never be published. Why? I'm not sure. But I'm certain you can print me out a spread sheet that proves just that.
Gotta go pass out now. Sorry I couldn't keep this going all night long.
I'm all in.
My feet are warm because I wear socks.
Goddess bless.
-LLL
Before I do that though- I am not responsible for anything I say or do beyond this point. I am way too drunk to be responsible for my words or actions. This is all Steph's fault. She poured the drinks.
k.
I am a tool.
You're all my friends because you're cool with that.
Dr. Chris, I don't blame you for killing me in a helicopter crash. Who knew?
Fuck you, Kyle Orton. Thanks for ruining my 2009.
Aries, I understand you're angry because we cut off your balls. I think I'd spend the rest of my life hissing at everyone if that was done to me.
Daniel, your pathwords score proves that the Dagger of Lokin will never be published. Why? I'm not sure. But I'm certain you can print me out a spread sheet that proves just that.
Gotta go pass out now. Sorry I couldn't keep this going all night long.
I'm all in.
My feet are warm because I wear socks.
Goddess bless.
-LLL
30 Second Blog (6-13-09)
Don't everyone go running off to your nearest sports apparel store all at once, but Kyle Orton has been named the starting quarterback of your mighty Denver Broncos. Rejoice, true believers. The Kyle Orton era has begun.
Apparently a spleen is necessary for quarterbacking in the NFL.
Still no word from Bears camp as to whether Cutler has been named their starter yet or not. I'll keep you posted.
Oh wait. I guess it was a given.
Apparently a spleen is necessary for quarterbacking in the NFL.
Still no word from Bears camp as to whether Cutler has been named their starter yet or not. I'll keep you posted.
Oh wait. I guess it was a given.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
30 Second Blog (6-11-09)
Lost in the Cutler trade-drama of the Broncos off season is that the Rivers/Cutler rivalry that had been brewing these last few seasons is now officially dead. It was, as you'll recall, a rivalry that P. Rivers was winning, and quite easily at that. Now though, none of it matters. Cutler fled to the bears where Rivers can no longer pick on him. In fact, I'm starting to think Rivers is the real reason why Cutler wanted out of cow town. He knew so long as he stayed in the AFC West he'd be Rivers' bitch, and that the only way of escape was a trade.
How did the media not pick up on any of this? Oh well. I am SO looking forward to the upcoming Orton/Simms/Rivers rivalry. Good times.
How did the media not pick up on any of this? Oh well. I am SO looking forward to the upcoming Orton/Simms/Rivers rivalry. Good times.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
30 Second Blog (6-10-09)
Though I'm not completely out of the woods yet, I don't think 1st Bank is going to fire me. The situation has calmed a bit, and I think at the worst I'll just be scolded. And maybe water boarded. But I'm cool with that.
Though getting fired is on my things to do before I die list, I'd much rather scratch that one off when a publisher decides to drop me. That would count as being fired, right?
It's hard to get dropped by a publisher though if they won't pick you up to begin with. I may need to rethink my things to do before I die list. The items on it now might be too ambitious.
Though getting fired is on my things to do before I die list, I'd much rather scratch that one off when a publisher decides to drop me. That would count as being fired, right?
It's hard to get dropped by a publisher though if they won't pick you up to begin with. I may need to rethink my things to do before I die list. The items on it now might be too ambitious.
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