5-7. I'm as bad at picking lines as I am at writing. Oh well. Let's try it again...
Atl +4.5 against Ne- My guess is that this will be a very high scoring game, but that ultimately the falcons will either win or will at least keep it close. Gotta take the points on this one.
Hou -4 against Jac- The jags burned me last week by getting blown out at home to the cards. Meanwhile Houston threw down a billion points on tenn, all while Matt Charles Schaub was on my bench in two different leagues. This week I start Schaub and I win this line.
Ten +2.5 against the NyJ- OK, maybe I'm a moron about this, but I refuse to believe in the jets. Last year it was Miami, this year its J-E-T-S. They could go undefeated and I'd still tell you they suck donkey balls. I'm glad they beat the pats though.
Chi -2.5 against Sea- Here's where all the talk about the Cutler/Orton trade turns back in favor of Cutler. Maybe all the idiot customers I help at the bank will finally shut up about how great they think Orton is.
Oak -1 over Den- It's a lock. A gimme. A sure fucking thing. I may miss on the rest of the lines, but I'll win this one.
Mia +6 over Sd- Everyones favorite Dr. Chris L. says that taking points against the bolts is the sure way to win a line bet. I'm going to trust that his nay saying is not a product of hate-goggles, but is an accurate reading of a professional sports team by a true fan that knows them better than they know themselves.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Bitchfest
Somebody hand me a rape kit, I've got evidence to collect. The football gods had their way with me yet again, then left me bruised and bloody by the side of the gridiron. It was ugly. For the second week in a row I went 1-3 in fantasy. I am now 0-2 in both my big pay leagues. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. The dream of reaching the playoffs in either of the leagues I care about is dead. The season is as good as over. Goodbye, cruel fantasy world.
I've got some good news though. You won't have to hear me bitch about this any more. Since the fantasy football season is dead to me now, there's nothing more to say about it. It's buried in the backyard next to Fido and the Dagger of Lokin. May they rest in pieces.
The cruelty of the football gods did not end with fantasy. In Broncosland, they dangled the carrot of hope, leading me to wonder if the donks aren't as bad as I thought. This will not end well. Hope is the kissing cousin of disappointment and despair. They're probably making out right now, those dirty sluts. It's really too bad the donks have won their first two games. It'll only make the next eleven consecutive losses in a row feel all the worse. The unraveling will begin with Oakland and won't end until the donks lose to the colts on Dec. 13th. Then, as if to give us an early x-mas gift, the donks will win their third game of the season against the raiders at home on Dec. 20th. Mark it on your calender, boys and girls. You won't want to miss it.
What else, what else? Oh yes, the line bets. Everyone and their insurance selling duck told me my picks were a joke. Well, they were right. I went 2-4 this week, which brings me to a less than stellar total of 5-7. Were I actually betting on these games, I'd be in the red and dropping.
My government has saved me from myself.
I have six weeks to figure this shit out before I go to Vegas. Something tells me though I won't. The football gods, you see, are cruel. And they aren't done with me yet.
I've got some good news though. You won't have to hear me bitch about this any more. Since the fantasy football season is dead to me now, there's nothing more to say about it. It's buried in the backyard next to Fido and the Dagger of Lokin. May they rest in pieces.
The cruelty of the football gods did not end with fantasy. In Broncosland, they dangled the carrot of hope, leading me to wonder if the donks aren't as bad as I thought. This will not end well. Hope is the kissing cousin of disappointment and despair. They're probably making out right now, those dirty sluts. It's really too bad the donks have won their first two games. It'll only make the next eleven consecutive losses in a row feel all the worse. The unraveling will begin with Oakland and won't end until the donks lose to the colts on Dec. 13th. Then, as if to give us an early x-mas gift, the donks will win their third game of the season against the raiders at home on Dec. 20th. Mark it on your calender, boys and girls. You won't want to miss it.
What else, what else? Oh yes, the line bets. Everyone and their insurance selling duck told me my picks were a joke. Well, they were right. I went 2-4 this week, which brings me to a less than stellar total of 5-7. Were I actually betting on these games, I'd be in the red and dropping.
My government has saved me from myself.
I have six weeks to figure this shit out before I go to Vegas. Something tells me though I won't. The football gods, you see, are cruel. And they aren't done with me yet.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Week 2 Lines
Let's forget my poor outing last week. 3-3 is shameful. I play to win, not to break even, and this is the week I make my move.
Here are my picks for week 2.
Jac -3 over Ari- You gotta love week 2. There's all kinds of mystery in week 1. Vegas doesn't know who the teams really are in week 1, and really, neither do the bet makers. As week 2 rolls around, Vegas is still hesitant to call it how they see it. They're careful not to overextend themselves, and that's why there are gimme lines like this one. The cards lost last week to the 49ers at home. The Jags almost beat Indianapolis. Despite reports to the contrary, the AFC is by far the superior conference. Jags should take care of the cards easy in this one.
Phi (even) over No- Every year, football fans across the nation jump on the Saints bandwagon, declaring that this will finally be their season. Don't get me wrong, the Saints are an offensive juggernaut, but their defense is as woeful as ever. They're the same Saints we see time and time again. They score a lot of points, but they give up a lot of them too. Against a team like the Eagles who are strong on both sides of the ball, the Saints will struggle. Plus, it's in Philadelphia. Eagles go 2-0.
Buf -5 Over Tampa Bay- The Bills should have won last week against the Pats. If not for a boneheaded play by their kick returner, the Bills would have had the biggest upset of the week. They're a good club, and they can handle the bucs.
Det +10 Over Min- I'm not picking the Lions to win, but the line seems a little to high to me. I don't trust Brett in this one. Something tells me he'll throw a pick or two that will keep the lions in it.
Dal -3 Over Nyg- I'm going with my gut on this line. No other reason.
Den -3 Over Clv- I'm going to regret this one.
Here are my picks for week 2.
Jac -3 over Ari- You gotta love week 2. There's all kinds of mystery in week 1. Vegas doesn't know who the teams really are in week 1, and really, neither do the bet makers. As week 2 rolls around, Vegas is still hesitant to call it how they see it. They're careful not to overextend themselves, and that's why there are gimme lines like this one. The cards lost last week to the 49ers at home. The Jags almost beat Indianapolis. Despite reports to the contrary, the AFC is by far the superior conference. Jags should take care of the cards easy in this one.
Phi (even) over No- Every year, football fans across the nation jump on the Saints bandwagon, declaring that this will finally be their season. Don't get me wrong, the Saints are an offensive juggernaut, but their defense is as woeful as ever. They're the same Saints we see time and time again. They score a lot of points, but they give up a lot of them too. Against a team like the Eagles who are strong on both sides of the ball, the Saints will struggle. Plus, it's in Philadelphia. Eagles go 2-0.
Buf -5 Over Tampa Bay- The Bills should have won last week against the Pats. If not for a boneheaded play by their kick returner, the Bills would have had the biggest upset of the week. They're a good club, and they can handle the bucs.
Det +10 Over Min- I'm not picking the Lions to win, but the line seems a little to high to me. I don't trust Brett in this one. Something tells me he'll throw a pick or two that will keep the lions in it.
Dal -3 Over Nyg- I'm going with my gut on this line. No other reason.
Den -3 Over Clv- I'm going to regret this one.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Line Results/The Despair of Fantasy Football
I was talking on the phone with everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. last night during the Bears/Packers game when he kindly asked me how I was doing. The Broncos, miraculously, had won their game against the Bengals, I was loaded on beer, and I was winning by quite a large margin in my CBS fantasy football league (the league I care about the most), so I was doing pretty well. Barring some kind of crazy ending to the packers game, I told him, I would win easy in my CBS league. There would be much rejoicing.
Unfortunately, something crazy happened. My opponent had the lethal combo of Aaron Rogers and Greg Jennings, a combo that until the last few minutes of the game had done very little to help his cause. Suddenly, and with no provocation on my part (I assure you), Mr. Rogers goes and throws a Td pass to Jennings. Ouch. And if that wasn't bad enough, the two hooked up yet again for the 2 pt conversion. Adding all the yardage to these two measly plays and my opponent suddenly jumped 19 pts to be within 5. You would think I would know better than to declare victory before it's official, but nope.
Then, with one player left in his line-up playing on Monday night (McFadden), my opponent scored the six points he needed to leave me in misery. The final score was 73-72, with me on the losing end.
Now, I realize that most of you out there reading this could care fucking less about the inconsequential game of fantasy football, and that listening to me bitch about my various misfortunes is the last thing you want do. But, I need an outlet. I need a way to spew the hatred and contempt that fills me on Sundays when the football gods decide to take a crap on my hopes and aspirations. This blog will be that outlet.
My heart is black with despair. Of the four leagues I'm playing in, I won one game. I went 1-3 this weekend. The only win came in my Steak or Death league, the league in which I root for everyone else. How sad is that? It's really sad. It's somewhere between your dog ran away sad and no one is interested in having sex with you sad. It's growing up in a third world nation sad.
Please, don't try to console me. The pain goes too deep. These wounds can not be healed.
Do you know what the worst part is? I have two players on my bench in my CBS league who would have given me the win if I'd only decided to start them. Chad Ochocinco scored 8 pts and Fred Jackson scored 19. Again, I lost by 1.
Why, football gods? Why?
Speaking of bad calls, I went .500 in my first round of guessing the bet lines. Had I actual money riding on the bets, I would have broken even. Oh well. You can't win them all, and breaking even isn't losing.
Unfortunately, it looks like I won't be drinking any alcohol for the majority of October. The donks, inexplicably, won their game against the Bengals, resulting in me losing the bet I made with myself. Damn me! Damn me for being such a fool.
1-3 in fantasy. 3-3 in betting the lines. A very tough start to the season. Beware, my friends. My bitching has only just begun.
Unfortunately, something crazy happened. My opponent had the lethal combo of Aaron Rogers and Greg Jennings, a combo that until the last few minutes of the game had done very little to help his cause. Suddenly, and with no provocation on my part (I assure you), Mr. Rogers goes and throws a Td pass to Jennings. Ouch. And if that wasn't bad enough, the two hooked up yet again for the 2 pt conversion. Adding all the yardage to these two measly plays and my opponent suddenly jumped 19 pts to be within 5. You would think I would know better than to declare victory before it's official, but nope.
Then, with one player left in his line-up playing on Monday night (McFadden), my opponent scored the six points he needed to leave me in misery. The final score was 73-72, with me on the losing end.
Now, I realize that most of you out there reading this could care fucking less about the inconsequential game of fantasy football, and that listening to me bitch about my various misfortunes is the last thing you want do. But, I need an outlet. I need a way to spew the hatred and contempt that fills me on Sundays when the football gods decide to take a crap on my hopes and aspirations. This blog will be that outlet.
My heart is black with despair. Of the four leagues I'm playing in, I won one game. I went 1-3 this weekend. The only win came in my Steak or Death league, the league in which I root for everyone else. How sad is that? It's really sad. It's somewhere between your dog ran away sad and no one is interested in having sex with you sad. It's growing up in a third world nation sad.
Please, don't try to console me. The pain goes too deep. These wounds can not be healed.
Do you know what the worst part is? I have two players on my bench in my CBS league who would have given me the win if I'd only decided to start them. Chad Ochocinco scored 8 pts and Fred Jackson scored 19. Again, I lost by 1.
Why, football gods? Why?
Speaking of bad calls, I went .500 in my first round of guessing the bet lines. Had I actual money riding on the bets, I would have broken even. Oh well. You can't win them all, and breaking even isn't losing.
Unfortunately, it looks like I won't be drinking any alcohol for the majority of October. The donks, inexplicably, won their game against the Bengals, resulting in me losing the bet I made with myself. Damn me! Damn me for being such a fool.
1-3 in fantasy. 3-3 in betting the lines. A very tough start to the season. Beware, my friends. My bitching has only just begun.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
$50 Says You Won't Care About This, But...
It seriously pisses me off that I can't legally bet on football.
I made the mistake of swinging by my former gambling site to take a peek at the week 1 lines, and it kicked me square in the nuts. Why the fuck is online gambling illegal? It makes no sense to me why the government should care if I want to drop $50 on my suspicions that the Bengals are going to bitch-slap the donks on Sunday. None.
Seeing the old site got my juices flowing, to say the least. Like a lot, a lot. I'm like a 13 year old boy who's stumbled across his first batch of porn. The urge to gamble got so bad I called Zach up and begged him to let me use one of his credit cards to open an account (the nice people who run the gambling site informed me that they can now take MasterCard, which I do not have. I only have Visa). Zach agreed, but I eventually came to my senses and back tracked on my request. Knowing my luck, Zach would get arrested for illegal gambling, thrown into the slammer, ass-raped by some guy named Bubba, and then he'd blame me for it for the rest of our lives.
As much as it pains me not to have money on this weekend's games, I'm going to suck it up and do the next best thing. I'm going to pick the lines and see how well I would have done. If it turns out I would've done poorly, than praise Jesus and the U.S. government both. If it ends up I would've scored a towering pile of cash, then I will wallow in bitterness and write an angry letter to my uncaring congressman (who's probably banging his mistress even as I type this, that no good, cheating bastard).
For the next 17 weeks of the NFL regular season, I will pick the lines I would have bet on and keep a running tally of the results. Plus I'll throw in a Vegas blog after Halloween weekend detailing the bets I made there and how I did. At the end of the season, we'll see if I would have made money or lost it.
Alright, enough explanation. Here are my picks for week 1.
Cin -4.5 over Den- Talk about a gimme. This line is just begging to pay out. It's a complete and total slut of a line. How is Vegas only giving the Bengals four points on this? They know Kyle Orton is our QB now, right? They know Josh McDouchebag is running the show now, right? Four points? Seriously, this is the Lindsay Lohan of betting lines. Just slip on a condom and go to work. In fact, I am so sure that the Bengals will cover the spread that I'll throw down my own personal wager on it- if I lose this bet, I won't drink a single drop of alcohol between Oct. 1st and Oct. 3oth. For the month of October, I won't drink until I'm in Vegas on Halloween. Lucky for me though, there's no way I'm losing.
Atl -4 over Mia- Here is a perfect example of how Vegas doesn't know shit about setting lines for week 1 of the NFL season. Atlanta is an offensive juggernaut waiting to happen, and they're playing at home against a team that overachieved last year. The Dolphins are not as good as people (or Vegas) think. The wildcat formation is so last year, as are Chad Pennington and Ronnie Brown. Atlanta will win easily by at least a TD.
Houston -4.5 over NyJ- OK, maybe the Houston Texans aren't going to be as good as everybody says they will. But I have five words for you- Rookie Quarterback on the Road. I'll take a home team going against a rookie quarterback in his first start any time.
Phi -2.5 over Car- Remember last years playoff game between the Cards and Panthers? This game will play out pretty much the same, only the visiting team will be wearing green and white.
Green Bay -4.5 over Chi- Don't get me wrong. Cutler is a pimp, and the Bears will have an epic season. This game is at Green Bay though, and the Pack are about to reclaim the NFC North. Pack by at least a TD.
New England -11 Over Buffalo- Fuck I hate New England.
Check in next week for the results and a new batch of picks for week 2.
I made the mistake of swinging by my former gambling site to take a peek at the week 1 lines, and it kicked me square in the nuts. Why the fuck is online gambling illegal? It makes no sense to me why the government should care if I want to drop $50 on my suspicions that the Bengals are going to bitch-slap the donks on Sunday. None.
Seeing the old site got my juices flowing, to say the least. Like a lot, a lot. I'm like a 13 year old boy who's stumbled across his first batch of porn. The urge to gamble got so bad I called Zach up and begged him to let me use one of his credit cards to open an account (the nice people who run the gambling site informed me that they can now take MasterCard, which I do not have. I only have Visa). Zach agreed, but I eventually came to my senses and back tracked on my request. Knowing my luck, Zach would get arrested for illegal gambling, thrown into the slammer, ass-raped by some guy named Bubba, and then he'd blame me for it for the rest of our lives.
As much as it pains me not to have money on this weekend's games, I'm going to suck it up and do the next best thing. I'm going to pick the lines and see how well I would have done. If it turns out I would've done poorly, than praise Jesus and the U.S. government both. If it ends up I would've scored a towering pile of cash, then I will wallow in bitterness and write an angry letter to my uncaring congressman (who's probably banging his mistress even as I type this, that no good, cheating bastard).
For the next 17 weeks of the NFL regular season, I will pick the lines I would have bet on and keep a running tally of the results. Plus I'll throw in a Vegas blog after Halloween weekend detailing the bets I made there and how I did. At the end of the season, we'll see if I would have made money or lost it.
Alright, enough explanation. Here are my picks for week 1.
Cin -4.5 over Den- Talk about a gimme. This line is just begging to pay out. It's a complete and total slut of a line. How is Vegas only giving the Bengals four points on this? They know Kyle Orton is our QB now, right? They know Josh McDouchebag is running the show now, right? Four points? Seriously, this is the Lindsay Lohan of betting lines. Just slip on a condom and go to work. In fact, I am so sure that the Bengals will cover the spread that I'll throw down my own personal wager on it- if I lose this bet, I won't drink a single drop of alcohol between Oct. 1st and Oct. 3oth. For the month of October, I won't drink until I'm in Vegas on Halloween. Lucky for me though, there's no way I'm losing.
Atl -4 over Mia- Here is a perfect example of how Vegas doesn't know shit about setting lines for week 1 of the NFL season. Atlanta is an offensive juggernaut waiting to happen, and they're playing at home against a team that overachieved last year. The Dolphins are not as good as people (or Vegas) think. The wildcat formation is so last year, as are Chad Pennington and Ronnie Brown. Atlanta will win easily by at least a TD.
Houston -4.5 over NyJ- OK, maybe the Houston Texans aren't going to be as good as everybody says they will. But I have five words for you- Rookie Quarterback on the Road. I'll take a home team going against a rookie quarterback in his first start any time.
Phi -2.5 over Car- Remember last years playoff game between the Cards and Panthers? This game will play out pretty much the same, only the visiting team will be wearing green and white.
Green Bay -4.5 over Chi- Don't get me wrong. Cutler is a pimp, and the Bears will have an epic season. This game is at Green Bay though, and the Pack are about to reclaim the NFC North. Pack by at least a TD.
New England -11 Over Buffalo- Fuck I hate New England.
Check in next week for the results and a new batch of picks for week 2.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
30 Second Blog (9-3-09)
A few days ago, a coworker of mine told me (and everyone else at the bank) that she thought I looked a lot like Josh McDaniel's. Most of the bank, to my astonishment, agreed, and now when people see me they say "Hi Josh" and "what the fuck are you doing to the Broncos, Josh." Personally, I don't see it. OK, we both shave our head. We're both brunettes. We're both tools, and we're both losers. We both slouch. We're both quickly headed towards becoming full blown alcoholics (me because I love drinking, and Josh because it'll be the only way he can cope with everyone in this city hating him). Other than that, I don't see any resemblance.
By the way, I forgot to mention my Super Bowl prediction in yesterday's blog. Write it down, kids. This is a sure thing.
It'll be the Philadelphia Eagles Vs the San Diego Chargers, which means one of my good friends will be partying like its 2099, and another will get kicked square in the nuts. Chris and Daniel, you have five months to come up with the terms for the most epic Super Bowl bet of all time. Don't disappoint me.
By the way, I forgot to mention my Super Bowl prediction in yesterday's blog. Write it down, kids. This is a sure thing.
It'll be the Philadelphia Eagles Vs the San Diego Chargers, which means one of my good friends will be partying like its 2099, and another will get kicked square in the nuts. Chris and Daniel, you have five months to come up with the terms for the most epic Super Bowl bet of all time. Don't disappoint me.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Orange and Blue Tears Running Down My Face
This is the last time I will post a blog about the Broncos this year, barring some kind of miracle. If the season unfolds the way I suspect it will, then there will be little more to say about the donks than what will be said here. After you read this, consider the 2009 Broncos dead to me. Now, that's not to say that I won't endure watching their games, or that I won't discuss specific week to week details of the season as they unfold, but as far as the Broncos and what they've become (or more specifically, their head first dive into the depths of mediocrity), I shant mutter another word.
Without having played a single game under the McDaniels administration yet, the Broncos are officially a joke. The once proud organization is in shambles, and they're a disgrace. Cutler is gone, banished to Chicago for not being Matt Cassell, where he'll be punished with Super Bowl rings, keys to the city, and pussy as far as the eye can see. Take that, cry baby. The second of our only two Pro Bowl players from last season, Mr. B. Marshall, has seen the wisdom in Cutler's departure and is doing everything he can to take his 100+ receptions a year somewhere else. The Broncos will undoubtedly trade him, and then squander the draft picks they get in return. After all, that's exactly what we did with Cutler.
Do you remember what we got for Cutler? A quarterback named Orton recently seen running off the field with a boo boo on his finger, and two first rd draft picks (one this year and one next year). McDaniel's, who apparently doesn't understand the greater value of a 1st rd pick over a second, traded next years 1st rd pick so he could have an additional pick this year. But here's the best part- he didn't trade the #1 pick we got from the bears, he traded the donk's pick, which means when the donks finish in last place of the entire league this year, thus earning the #1 pick in next years draft, the pick won't be ours. It'll belong to the Seahawks. The only pick we'll have is the one we got from the bears, who'll probably win the Super Bowl, thus giving us the 32ND pick in the draft.
Cutler is gone. Marshall is soon to be gone. Our 2ND ranked offense was completely dismantled and replaced with journeymen quarterbacks, discarded running backs and receivers, and a playbook far too complex for the level of talent that we have. Oh, and our defense still sucks balls. Gigantic, furry goat balls. The Broncos are suddenly, inexplicably, a team rebuilding from scratch. They have no one, NO ONE, to build a team around. And thanks to McDaniel's throwing away our first round pick, we have no way of bringing in anyone to build a team around any time soon.
Every team in the NFL has a losing season once in a while. Some have more losing seasons than not. And others can do nothing but lose. The Broncos, thanks to Pat Bowlen firing Mike Shannahan and bringing in an unproven, arrogant whelp to coach the team, has joined the donks with teams like the lions, the Bengals, and the raiders. We are inept and pathetic, and both will become a tradition we can not escape.
I predict that the donks will go 4-12 this year, and the next, and the next. I predict they will be 4-12 forever. The Cutler Curse is upon us.
Without having played a single game under the McDaniels administration yet, the Broncos are officially a joke. The once proud organization is in shambles, and they're a disgrace. Cutler is gone, banished to Chicago for not being Matt Cassell, where he'll be punished with Super Bowl rings, keys to the city, and pussy as far as the eye can see. Take that, cry baby. The second of our only two Pro Bowl players from last season, Mr. B. Marshall, has seen the wisdom in Cutler's departure and is doing everything he can to take his 100+ receptions a year somewhere else. The Broncos will undoubtedly trade him, and then squander the draft picks they get in return. After all, that's exactly what we did with Cutler.
Do you remember what we got for Cutler? A quarterback named Orton recently seen running off the field with a boo boo on his finger, and two first rd draft picks (one this year and one next year). McDaniel's, who apparently doesn't understand the greater value of a 1st rd pick over a second, traded next years 1st rd pick so he could have an additional pick this year. But here's the best part- he didn't trade the #1 pick we got from the bears, he traded the donk's pick, which means when the donks finish in last place of the entire league this year, thus earning the #1 pick in next years draft, the pick won't be ours. It'll belong to the Seahawks. The only pick we'll have is the one we got from the bears, who'll probably win the Super Bowl, thus giving us the 32ND pick in the draft.
Cutler is gone. Marshall is soon to be gone. Our 2ND ranked offense was completely dismantled and replaced with journeymen quarterbacks, discarded running backs and receivers, and a playbook far too complex for the level of talent that we have. Oh, and our defense still sucks balls. Gigantic, furry goat balls. The Broncos are suddenly, inexplicably, a team rebuilding from scratch. They have no one, NO ONE, to build a team around. And thanks to McDaniel's throwing away our first round pick, we have no way of bringing in anyone to build a team around any time soon.
Every team in the NFL has a losing season once in a while. Some have more losing seasons than not. And others can do nothing but lose. The Broncos, thanks to Pat Bowlen firing Mike Shannahan and bringing in an unproven, arrogant whelp to coach the team, has joined the donks with teams like the lions, the Bengals, and the raiders. We are inept and pathetic, and both will become a tradition we can not escape.
I predict that the donks will go 4-12 this year, and the next, and the next. I predict they will be 4-12 forever. The Cutler Curse is upon us.
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