Getting All Wet For Wolverine

My brother and I just went and saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine." It was terrible. Like Dagger of Lokin terrible. The entire X-Men franchise has been a complete let down for me, ranking second only to the Star Wars prequels as the most disappointing movies of all time. The X-flicks, like the Star Wars prequels, had all the potential in the world for being truly great movies, but ultimately failed because of poor plot lines and poor writing.

If you were planning on seeing it, don't bother. Don't even wait for it to come out on DVD. Just pretend it never happened. Trust me.

Bashing the movie however is not the reason I'm posting this. Really, who am I to criticize poor writing? No, the real reason is the girl who sat behind my brother and I during the movie.

I noticed her when she first entered the theater, being that she was female and I tend to notice when females are around. She was alone, and she came in during the previews and sat just behind me and to the left. In the brief time I had to check her out, my take on her was that she was a total dork, a classification I rarely attribute to girls. Guys can be dorks, whereas women who love comic books and Star Trek and playing dungeons and dragons are just oddly cool to me. Somehow their femininity offsets what would otherwise be dorky traits. Not with this girl though. She was a dork. A cute dork, but a dork. The chick had come alone to see a comic book movie, and her enthusiasm was readily apparent as she hurried to her seat and began tearing into a candy bar. It wasn't until the movie started though that I realized exactly how enthusiastic this girl really was for the movie.

Almost immediately the girl began to talk to the movie, or more specifically, to Wolverine. But I don't mean that she was commenting on the movie. She was literally talking to Wolverine. In the first scene of the movie (here comes a spoiler), Wolverine is a young boy who witnesses the murder of who he thinks is his father. Seeing the murderer standing over his dead father, his claws reveal themselves for the first time in his life, and he charges the murderer and impales the man with the bones protruding from his fists. As the murderer is dying, he tells Logan that he is in fact his true father. Oh my god, wolverine just killed his real father. Real good stuff, right. So while I'm snorting at the absurdity, the girl behind me is trying to console Wolverine.

"You poor boy. You killed your father!"

Had she said this sarcastically, I would have been right with her. But she hadn't. She couldn't have been more serious.

As the movie continued, her empathy for Wolverine and his trials grew. She was there for him, and she wanted him to know it. She felt his pain.

Then came the love scenes, and things really got weird. The romance between Wolverine and his great love Kayla Silverfox was a drawn out, cheesy depiction of a warrior settling down and leaving his violent past behind in order to start a new life with a super hotty who couldn't love him more. It was sappy and predictable, all for the purpose of showing us the severity of what Wolverine lost when the woman inevitable died.

Unlike with the rest of the movie, the girl was completely silent during the love scenes, except for her measured, if heavy breathing. I wasn't sure if she was jealous of Kayla Silverfox, or if she thought she was Kayla Silverfox.

Finally though, it was all too much for her. In the most sexual scene in the movie, Kayla slides on top of Wolverine (wearing a silky, sexy night gown), and begins kissing him in between reciting a story about the romantic escapades of mythological gods. I'm surprised I didn't get a chubby.

It was at this moment, with a half-naked Hugh Jackman putting his adamantium retracted claws all over lovely Kayla that the girl got up and left. She left and she did not come back.

Either she couldn't stand watching her true love Wolverine in the arms of another woman and simply had to storm out of the theater, or she went home and masturbated. I'm guessing the latter.

What a dork.