I love you, Hot Bartenders/ I Hate You, Denver Broncos

What is it about hot bartenders that is so damn cool?

Just the other night, Z-man and I hit up the Larimer Lounge to check out a band called Electric Six. Good times, they were. Loud music, lots of booze, and girls shaking their asses always makes for a swell time.

The bartenders at the Lounge that night were top shelf. Or maybe I just had lust-goggles on. It's hard to tell. There's just something about women leaning over the bar across from me, flashing their A through Ds against a backdrop of liquor bottles and asking "What would you like?" that gets this tool's ratchet clanked. That's customer service at its finest, peeps.

Zach and I were greatly entertained by the eye candy working the bar, as well as the thought of ordering overtly, sexually-named drinks from them. The running joke of the evening was to say, "When she asked me what I wanted, I told her a blow job. And she brought me a drink!"

Zach and I did variations of this all night long. It never once got old.

"So then I said, a slow comfortable screw up against the wall. And she brought me a drink!"

"So then I said, I want to fuck you doggy-style while your eating out another chick. And she brought me a drink!"

"Finally I just ordered a Long Island, and she slapped my in the face and told me to go to Hell."

The evening eventually took its toll on me, as I didn't get home until about 1:30 am and I had to work the next day, but really it was all worth it. In the debate of whether I'm officially old or not, youth won out that night. Well, I'm still young at heart anyway. Plus, I have yet to go to a concert and officially be the oldest person in attendance. Until I'm the creepy old guy that really shouldn't be there, I'll consider it all good.

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There's only one rule to being a true, hardcore naysayer. Never, under any circumstance, believe in your team. It is the first and last commandment of being a naysayer, and I broke it. When the donks beat the Chargers to go 6-0, earning a 3 1/2 game lead in the west, I bought into the lie. I drank the predominantly orange kool-aid. I completely and totally sold out. Now, I'm paying the price.

This will be the second time I've had to come to terms with burying the 09 Broncos. I already did it once back in the preseason when it was obvious to everyone that the Broncos serviced well hung goats. Everything we thought about the Broncos going into the season was true. They are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook. Or at least I did. At 6-0, the donks had converted me. I was a believer, and I was singing their praises. Josh McDaniels is a genius! Kyle Orton is the greatest game manager ever! At one point I'd even considered betting on them. When the donks wre at Baltimore even! How sad. Now, after three horrid losses, I am no longer blind to their propaganda. The Broncos are a joke. They're frauds, and I will never believe in them again.

The 09 Broncos are dead. They're deader than dead. I took them out back, hit them over the head with a shovel, and buried them next to fluffy.

If there are any believers out their who yet cling to hope, just let it go. The donks don't have a chance. As Woody Paige would say, "Look at the schedule!"

Tomorrow they lose to the Chargers, which you have to admit, is sweet sweet irony. You gotta love that the bolts have managed to yet again come back from a three game deficit to bitch-slap the donks. Epic. Just epic. Kyle Orton? Chris Simms? It doesn't fucking matter who's taking the snaps. The donks go down either way. It won't even be close.

After that, the donks will lose to the giants (I'm so glad I'll get to see that in person), at Kc, at Ind, and at Philly. Their only wins for the rest of the season will be their home games against Kc and Oak.

8-8. That's how it'll end. I've already put it on their tombstone.

Bring on the draft.

Good News, Everyone!

Yet again, everyone's favorite Dr. Chris and I had a bet going with the donks/skins game. Well, the donks lost, and that means I don't have to post line picks any more. That means you don't have to read them any more.

You're free. You're finally free.

Random Thoughts/Lines (11-14-09)

I was reading the newspaper the other day when I stumbled across an article about some new, quite alarming types of computer viruses that are floating around the net. These new types of viruses were created by pedophiles so they could store child porn on someone else's computer. Once a computer is infected, it begins doing searches for child porn, then downloads the pics it finds and stores them in secret files. The pedophiles then hack into the infected computers whenever they want to look at the porn, allowing them to keep their own computers free of the material. The worst part of all is that some of the people with infected computers, people who aren't pedophiles and who don't even know that the porn is on their computer, have been charged by the police for child abuse crimes after the porn is discovered. According to the article, it is very difficult and costly for victims of these viruses to prove their innocence, as the viruses are often difficult to find. As well, pedophiles often use the "it's not mine" excuse when caught, so authorities are highly skeptical when anyone suggests that the material found on their computer isn't theirs.

Horrified and a bit paranoid after reading the article, I raced home that day and did a quick search of my computer. The good news is that I didn't find any child porn. The bad news though is that I discovered a similar styled virus has infected my computer. Instead of downloading child porn though, this virus downloads unpublishable fantasy novels and poorly written short stories to my computer. Not only that, but apparently this novel has been submitted several times in my name to various publishing companies. I'm so embarrassed. The novel, called "The Dagger of Lokin" is 944 pages of the most unoriginal, poorly conceived crap I have ever read, and there are people out there who think that I wrote it.

What kind of person would do that to someone? It's just not right.

-- There's a show on Showtime that Steph is a big fan of called "Nurse Jackie" about a nurse juggling the difficulties of her job, an affair she's having with a coworker, and her addiction to pain meds. It's not as exciting as it sounds. Anyway, one of the characters on the show, a Dr. Fitch Cooper, suffers from a unique form of Tourettes. Basically, whenever he's nervous, he reaches out and gropes the nearest tits and ass he can find. When I first saw the show, I was outraged. As someone who suffers from this same exact form of Tourettes, I felt ridiculed and offended. How dare Showtime mock my disorder? Now though I realize how important it is that the general public learns of this terrible affliction, and I'm glad that the show is doing its part to help end the inexcusable amount of ignorance there is about this disease. Thanks to Nurse Jackie, I have finally found the courage to stop taking my prescribed medicines, and to just be myself. Thank you, Showtime. Thank you.

-- The irony is so rich and creamy, you can't help but ask for seconds. The 6-2 Broncos, who should really be 2-6 at this point, have been revealed as frauds. The team we all thought they would be at the beginning of the season has finally emerged, just in time to let the San Diego Chargers make yet another comeback to win the west. It's like clockwork. The donks start off hot, then choke the season away. The bolts start off cold, everyone writes them off, and then they bitchslap the donks into submission. Such is the joy of being a donks fan. The only question now is, can the donks slip into the playoffs as a wildcard? Well, tomorrow's game will tell us. Let's do some lines!

-- Was +4 Vs Den- It's a classic trap game. Classic! The 6-2 donks are clearly the better team. The 2-6 Redskins are faltering. They're a joke. The skins don't have a chance, right? Then why did Vegas set the line at -4? Why hasn't the line jumped to -7 or -8? Vegas knows, as do the gamblers. They know the donks are playing at 11 am on the east coast. They know the blueprint for beating the donks has been layed out. They know that Kyle Orton sucks balls. Plus, the donks are looking past the skins to the bolts game next week (a bolts team that is going to win by the way). This isn't me just naysaying, people! The signs are all there! Trap game. The donks will lose their third in a row. Then next week, they lose their fourth. Rich and creamy irony.

-- Oak -2 Vs Kc- I can't explain why, but I have a feeling about this one. It's all gut.

-- Sd -1 Vs Phi- Damn this is a sweet game. It sucks they play in the morning. My punk ass will be watching the redskins upset the donks. But this will be my plan B. So why am I taking the bolts? Simple. The donks need the eagles to win, which means it won't happen. Plus, I need McNabb to throw up 10 billion pts for fantasy, which means it won't happen. The football gods hate me, see.

-- New England +3 at Ind- The colts haven't played a real team yet. The Pats are off the radar. And fuck if I know.

-- NO -14 at Stl- This line couldn't be high enough.

-- Min -16.5 Vs Det- This line couldn't be high enough.

That's it.

The Dud Picks More Lines

Shortly after I started working at the bank about three years ago, my coworkers came up with a nickname for me. They decided to call me "the dud". Of course, I wasn't supposed to know about it. The name was a secret. People talk though, even to a dud, and so eventually I learned what everyone was calling me.

Though I much prefer tool, dud does work. It fits. I have to say, my coworkers did a fine job of picking my nickname. It hints at my complete lack of charm or personality, as well as my inability to communicate well with others.

Anyway, last night I attended my second poker tournament hosted by Mark (Debbie's brother), and boy did I feel like a dud. Steph wasn't there because she was still at work, so I pretty much found a corner and hid most of the night. I don't think I said two words to anyone, even though almost everyone there made an effort to include me in their discussions. Honestly, I don't know what my problem is. I just don't converse well with people. I'm good for listening noises and the appropriate facial expressions, but that's about it. If you're looking for opinion or insight into whatever we're discussing, it's just not likely to happen.

Besides being a dud socially, I was a dud at poker as well. I'm way out of my league with this group. I can't bluff at all. I don't have the nerves for it. Nor can I read when anyone else is bluffing, which means I end up playing overly conservative. Basically, I fold on nearly every hand until the blinds have piddled my chips away to nothing. That about sums up my playing style. I'd like to think that it's just my inexperience, but I'm starting to wonder if the same things that hold me back socially are a hindrance for me at poker.

I am king of the duds.

Well, it's time for the dud to make his line picks, even though it pains me to do it. It kicks me square in the nuts not to be able to bet on sports. I had so much fun in Vegas, even if I left down a couple of hundred. It was a blast, and I really wish I could do it every weekend.

Maybe I should reopen my gambling account.

Cin +3 over Bal- This is just a spite pick. Despite the ravens winning me a good chunk of money last week, I still despise them for exposing the donks for the frauds they are.

NO -13.5 Vs Car- Assuming that the donks, bolts, and eagles were all eliminated, the super bowl match-up I'd be most interested in watching would be the undefeated Saints going up against the undefeated colts. Yeah I know, it's a pipe dream to think either team will be undefeated going into the Super Bowl, but how cool would that be? The '72 Dolphins would be fucked.

Sd +5 at NyG- Here's where the bolts start making their comeback. Write it down. Bolts win the west.

SF -4.5 Vs Ten- Fuck if i know.

These last two picks are the ones I'd put money on. Not only that, but I'd parlay them and drop two bills on it. Easy money.

Phi -3 Vs Dallas-
Pit -3 at Den-

I've got blue balls for sportsbooking.

30 Second Blog (A Vegas Quicky)

Since coming home from Vegas, I've been somewhat depressed. I'm not sure if it's because I already miss Vegas, or if I'm sad that I didn't come home a winner. Maybe its because I won't be sportbooking again any time soon. Whatever it is, I'm sad.

Overall, the trip was great. Halloween was a blast. People watching in Vegas is fun anyway. On Halloween it gets kicked up to the extreme. The highlight was easily a hottie cowgirl in assless chaps strolling through the New York New York with a few of her friends. That was some serious eye candy. Really, Halloween was a complete slut parade, and it was great.

As far as gambling goes, I ended the weekend down $226. I did very well on Pro Football and and the Roulette table, but that's about it. Slots, Craps, College Football, Hockey, and Baseball didn't go so well for me. I should know better than to gamble on anything but the NFL. If I'd just stayed to what I know, I would have come home up.

I'm not sure when I'll make it back to Vegas. If I can swing it, I'd love to make Halloween a tradition, but we'll see. It all depends on school and such. Depending on how things go, it could be a long time before I get back.

Sad, isn't it.

The V Plan

Vegas is so close I can almost taste it. The taste is somewhat muted mind you, because I have a cold. Colds suck. Vegas on the other hand rocks. Vegas trumps everything, even a cold. Tomorrow at work I'll be miserable. Saturday morning, flying to Vegas, I will suffer the torment of an annoying cold while believing that at any moment I will die. When the plane finally lands (assuming it lands), the cold will have no power over me. I will be in Vegas.

Vegas cures all.

I think I have things figured out. I've crunched the numbers. I've dissected every plausible outcome, every possible reality. I've closed my eyes and thrown the darts. Most importantly, I've consulted my gut. And my gut says drink. Drink a lot. Then I won't care whether to donks win or not. I won't care if my bets win. Inebriation is the key to my happiness. Drink and all will be well.

So that's the plan. I'll drink and then I'll bet. Here's what I'm thinking-

Actually, I'll hold off a moment on that. First, let's do Ed's picks. Ed is an officer at my bank who loves football and loves betting. He's me, but with a real job. When he heard that I was going to Vegas this weekend, he dropped a bundle of cash in my hands and said, "here's what I want you to bet. I want Den, Buf, Min, Sf, Mia, Jac, Car, and NyG. Take the points on all of them. Put $20 on each." Now, most people would cringe at having to place bets for someone else while chillin in Vegas. They would think it was a chore. Not me. I love it. I'm totally down. As soon as he asked me if I'd bet for him, I realized something about myself that I knew under the surface for quite some time. I was born to be a bookie. It's my dream job. Too bad it's illegal.

I wish Ed the best, but here's how I see it.

Clv is going to shock the world, and I'm going to bank on it. The line is currently Chicago by 13. I'll money line that and make a killing.

Ok, that's not going to happen. I mean, I'll bet it like I said, but there's no way it fucking wins. It's a sucker bet. I know it. But I'll be having a blast for the first five minutes of the game hoping for the impossible. Then the Bears will score 17 in the first quarter and I'll be the tool who moneylined the inept Browns. It would be like moneylining that the Dagger of Lokin would get published. Just stupid.

Speaking of stupid... I've got two parlay bets I want to drop. First I'll go Ind -12 (over Sf), Sea +10 (at Dal). Then I'll get really crazy and throw down Mia +3.5 (at NyJ), Vikes +3 (at Gb), and Jac +3 (at Ten) (assuming the line doesn't disappear now that Young is the starter).

Next come the straight up moneylines.

Mia to win. Jac to win. Buf to win. Vikes to win.

That's it. That's all I got. Oh, there will be plenty more bets than that, but I'll figure the rest out when I get to Sin City. Whether I bet on the Broncos/Ravens game, or how I'll bet on it, I'm just not sure. I probably won't decide on that until right before the game. Whatever I decide, just know, I'm going to be wrong. But I'll also be drunk, so I won't give a fuck.

Gambling Heaven Vs Gambling Hell

It would be the ecstasy of gold, or it would be the torment and the torture.

Do I even have the balls to do it?

Since the donks/ravens line opened at 4, it has since dropped an entire point. It currently stands at Den +3, Bal -3. I like this line a lot better. In fact, if it drops any lower, even just to -2.5, I'm taking the ravens with the pts and I'm not looking back. Or am I?

Despite every fiber of my being telling me not to do it, I'm actually considering taking the moneyline on the donks. Damn it, I just vomited in my mouth again.

It would be the greatest gambling joy ever if it worked. Could you imagine if I dropped $200+ on the donks to win, and they did? Not only would I be thrilled at the donks victory, but I'd bank off it as well. It would be the ultimate, gambling high. Of course, if I bet on the donks and they losi...it would be a kick square in the nuts. I'd end up rolling on the ground cradling my boys, screaming like Nancy Kerrigan. "Why? Why? Why?"

No one needs to see that.

I am truly torn. But not just with the donks game.

Clv +14, Chi -14- It's the sucker bet of all sucker bets, but I'm considering it. I'd bet Clv with the moneyline. There's no way it wins. None. Don't even entertain the idea. Of course, if the browns did, by some miracle, find a way to win... Nope. No chance. I'd just be throwing my money away, but I'd be OK with that. It's fun to play sucker bets sometimes. No, really.

Speaking of sucker bets, I love the moneylines. Look at these games- Hou -3.5, Buf +3.5. Mia +3.5, NyJ -3.5. Jac +3, Ten -3. Min +3, Gb -3. Call me a tool, but I think I might moneyline every single one of those. I'm not kidding.

I like Ari -10 over Car. Kinda. I like Sea +10 at Dal. Sort of. I guess I'd take Ind -13 over Sf. I guess. The San Diego/Oakland line scares the shit out of me. Oak +17/Sd -17. Damn.

But it all comes down to Denver at Baltimore. Is it worth the risk? Is it worth the potential heartbreak? Or do I avoid this game entirely and put all my money on the Giants to beat the Eagles?

There are some tough fucking choices ahead.