I was talking on the phone with everyone's favorite Dr. Chris L. last night during the Bears/Packers game when he kindly asked me how I was doing. The Broncos, miraculously, had won their game against the Bengals, I was loaded on beer, and I was winning by quite a large margin in my CBS fantasy football league (the league I care about the most), so I was doing pretty well. Barring some kind of crazy ending to the packers game, I told him, I would win easy in my CBS league. There would be much rejoicing.
Unfortunately, something crazy happened. My opponent had the lethal combo of Aaron Rogers and Greg Jennings, a combo that until the last few minutes of the game had done very little to help his cause. Suddenly, and with no provocation on my part (I assure you), Mr. Rogers goes and throws a Td pass to Jennings. Ouch. And if that wasn't bad enough, the two hooked up yet again for the 2 pt conversion. Adding all the yardage to these two measly plays and my opponent suddenly jumped 19 pts to be within 5. You would think I would know better than to declare victory before it's official, but nope.
Then, with one player left in his line-up playing on Monday night (McFadden), my opponent scored the six points he needed to leave me in misery. The final score was 73-72, with me on the losing end.
Now, I realize that most of you out there reading this could care fucking less about the inconsequential game of fantasy football, and that listening to me bitch about my various misfortunes is the last thing you want do. But, I need an outlet. I need a way to spew the hatred and contempt that fills me on Sundays when the football gods decide to take a crap on my hopes and aspirations. This blog will be that outlet.
My heart is black with despair. Of the four leagues I'm playing in, I won one game. I went 1-3 this weekend. The only win came in my Steak or Death league, the league in which I root for everyone else. How sad is that? It's really sad. It's somewhere between your dog ran away sad and no one is interested in having sex with you sad. It's growing up in a third world nation sad.
Please, don't try to console me. The pain goes too deep. These wounds can not be healed.
Do you know what the worst part is? I have two players on my bench in my CBS league who would have given me the win if I'd only decided to start them. Chad Ochocinco scored 8 pts and Fred Jackson scored 19. Again, I lost by 1.
Why, football gods? Why?
Speaking of bad calls, I went .500 in my first round of guessing the bet lines. Had I actual money riding on the bets, I would have broken even. Oh well. You can't win them all, and breaking even isn't losing.
Unfortunately, it looks like I won't be drinking any alcohol for the majority of October. The donks, inexplicably, won their game against the Bengals, resulting in me losing the bet I made with myself. Damn me! Damn me for being such a fool.
1-3 in fantasy. 3-3 in betting the lines. A very tough start to the season. Beware, my friends. My bitching has only just begun.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
$50 Says You Won't Care About This, But...
It seriously pisses me off that I can't legally bet on football.
I made the mistake of swinging by my former gambling site to take a peek at the week 1 lines, and it kicked me square in the nuts. Why the fuck is online gambling illegal? It makes no sense to me why the government should care if I want to drop $50 on my suspicions that the Bengals are going to bitch-slap the donks on Sunday. None.
Seeing the old site got my juices flowing, to say the least. Like a lot, a lot. I'm like a 13 year old boy who's stumbled across his first batch of porn. The urge to gamble got so bad I called Zach up and begged him to let me use one of his credit cards to open an account (the nice people who run the gambling site informed me that they can now take MasterCard, which I do not have. I only have Visa). Zach agreed, but I eventually came to my senses and back tracked on my request. Knowing my luck, Zach would get arrested for illegal gambling, thrown into the slammer, ass-raped by some guy named Bubba, and then he'd blame me for it for the rest of our lives.
As much as it pains me not to have money on this weekend's games, I'm going to suck it up and do the next best thing. I'm going to pick the lines and see how well I would have done. If it turns out I would've done poorly, than praise Jesus and the U.S. government both. If it ends up I would've scored a towering pile of cash, then I will wallow in bitterness and write an angry letter to my uncaring congressman (who's probably banging his mistress even as I type this, that no good, cheating bastard).
For the next 17 weeks of the NFL regular season, I will pick the lines I would have bet on and keep a running tally of the results. Plus I'll throw in a Vegas blog after Halloween weekend detailing the bets I made there and how I did. At the end of the season, we'll see if I would have made money or lost it.
Alright, enough explanation. Here are my picks for week 1.
Cin -4.5 over Den- Talk about a gimme. This line is just begging to pay out. It's a complete and total slut of a line. How is Vegas only giving the Bengals four points on this? They know Kyle Orton is our QB now, right? They know Josh McDouchebag is running the show now, right? Four points? Seriously, this is the Lindsay Lohan of betting lines. Just slip on a condom and go to work. In fact, I am so sure that the Bengals will cover the spread that I'll throw down my own personal wager on it- if I lose this bet, I won't drink a single drop of alcohol between Oct. 1st and Oct. 3oth. For the month of October, I won't drink until I'm in Vegas on Halloween. Lucky for me though, there's no way I'm losing.
Atl -4 over Mia- Here is a perfect example of how Vegas doesn't know shit about setting lines for week 1 of the NFL season. Atlanta is an offensive juggernaut waiting to happen, and they're playing at home against a team that overachieved last year. The Dolphins are not as good as people (or Vegas) think. The wildcat formation is so last year, as are Chad Pennington and Ronnie Brown. Atlanta will win easily by at least a TD.
Houston -4.5 over NyJ- OK, maybe the Houston Texans aren't going to be as good as everybody says they will. But I have five words for you- Rookie Quarterback on the Road. I'll take a home team going against a rookie quarterback in his first start any time.
Phi -2.5 over Car- Remember last years playoff game between the Cards and Panthers? This game will play out pretty much the same, only the visiting team will be wearing green and white.
Green Bay -4.5 over Chi- Don't get me wrong. Cutler is a pimp, and the Bears will have an epic season. This game is at Green Bay though, and the Pack are about to reclaim the NFC North. Pack by at least a TD.
New England -11 Over Buffalo- Fuck I hate New England.
Check in next week for the results and a new batch of picks for week 2.
I made the mistake of swinging by my former gambling site to take a peek at the week 1 lines, and it kicked me square in the nuts. Why the fuck is online gambling illegal? It makes no sense to me why the government should care if I want to drop $50 on my suspicions that the Bengals are going to bitch-slap the donks on Sunday. None.
Seeing the old site got my juices flowing, to say the least. Like a lot, a lot. I'm like a 13 year old boy who's stumbled across his first batch of porn. The urge to gamble got so bad I called Zach up and begged him to let me use one of his credit cards to open an account (the nice people who run the gambling site informed me that they can now take MasterCard, which I do not have. I only have Visa). Zach agreed, but I eventually came to my senses and back tracked on my request. Knowing my luck, Zach would get arrested for illegal gambling, thrown into the slammer, ass-raped by some guy named Bubba, and then he'd blame me for it for the rest of our lives.
As much as it pains me not to have money on this weekend's games, I'm going to suck it up and do the next best thing. I'm going to pick the lines and see how well I would have done. If it turns out I would've done poorly, than praise Jesus and the U.S. government both. If it ends up I would've scored a towering pile of cash, then I will wallow in bitterness and write an angry letter to my uncaring congressman (who's probably banging his mistress even as I type this, that no good, cheating bastard).
For the next 17 weeks of the NFL regular season, I will pick the lines I would have bet on and keep a running tally of the results. Plus I'll throw in a Vegas blog after Halloween weekend detailing the bets I made there and how I did. At the end of the season, we'll see if I would have made money or lost it.
Alright, enough explanation. Here are my picks for week 1.
Cin -4.5 over Den- Talk about a gimme. This line is just begging to pay out. It's a complete and total slut of a line. How is Vegas only giving the Bengals four points on this? They know Kyle Orton is our QB now, right? They know Josh McDouchebag is running the show now, right? Four points? Seriously, this is the Lindsay Lohan of betting lines. Just slip on a condom and go to work. In fact, I am so sure that the Bengals will cover the spread that I'll throw down my own personal wager on it- if I lose this bet, I won't drink a single drop of alcohol between Oct. 1st and Oct. 3oth. For the month of October, I won't drink until I'm in Vegas on Halloween. Lucky for me though, there's no way I'm losing.
Atl -4 over Mia- Here is a perfect example of how Vegas doesn't know shit about setting lines for week 1 of the NFL season. Atlanta is an offensive juggernaut waiting to happen, and they're playing at home against a team that overachieved last year. The Dolphins are not as good as people (or Vegas) think. The wildcat formation is so last year, as are Chad Pennington and Ronnie Brown. Atlanta will win easily by at least a TD.
Houston -4.5 over NyJ- OK, maybe the Houston Texans aren't going to be as good as everybody says they will. But I have five words for you- Rookie Quarterback on the Road. I'll take a home team going against a rookie quarterback in his first start any time.
Phi -2.5 over Car- Remember last years playoff game between the Cards and Panthers? This game will play out pretty much the same, only the visiting team will be wearing green and white.
Green Bay -4.5 over Chi- Don't get me wrong. Cutler is a pimp, and the Bears will have an epic season. This game is at Green Bay though, and the Pack are about to reclaim the NFC North. Pack by at least a TD.
New England -11 Over Buffalo- Fuck I hate New England.
Check in next week for the results and a new batch of picks for week 2.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
30 Second Blog (9-3-09)
A few days ago, a coworker of mine told me (and everyone else at the bank) that she thought I looked a lot like Josh McDaniel's. Most of the bank, to my astonishment, agreed, and now when people see me they say "Hi Josh" and "what the fuck are you doing to the Broncos, Josh." Personally, I don't see it. OK, we both shave our head. We're both brunettes. We're both tools, and we're both losers. We both slouch. We're both quickly headed towards becoming full blown alcoholics (me because I love drinking, and Josh because it'll be the only way he can cope with everyone in this city hating him). Other than that, I don't see any resemblance.
By the way, I forgot to mention my Super Bowl prediction in yesterday's blog. Write it down, kids. This is a sure thing.
It'll be the Philadelphia Eagles Vs the San Diego Chargers, which means one of my good friends will be partying like its 2099, and another will get kicked square in the nuts. Chris and Daniel, you have five months to come up with the terms for the most epic Super Bowl bet of all time. Don't disappoint me.
By the way, I forgot to mention my Super Bowl prediction in yesterday's blog. Write it down, kids. This is a sure thing.
It'll be the Philadelphia Eagles Vs the San Diego Chargers, which means one of my good friends will be partying like its 2099, and another will get kicked square in the nuts. Chris and Daniel, you have five months to come up with the terms for the most epic Super Bowl bet of all time. Don't disappoint me.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Orange and Blue Tears Running Down My Face
This is the last time I will post a blog about the Broncos this year, barring some kind of miracle. If the season unfolds the way I suspect it will, then there will be little more to say about the donks than what will be said here. After you read this, consider the 2009 Broncos dead to me. Now, that's not to say that I won't endure watching their games, or that I won't discuss specific week to week details of the season as they unfold, but as far as the Broncos and what they've become (or more specifically, their head first dive into the depths of mediocrity), I shant mutter another word.
Without having played a single game under the McDaniels administration yet, the Broncos are officially a joke. The once proud organization is in shambles, and they're a disgrace. Cutler is gone, banished to Chicago for not being Matt Cassell, where he'll be punished with Super Bowl rings, keys to the city, and pussy as far as the eye can see. Take that, cry baby. The second of our only two Pro Bowl players from last season, Mr. B. Marshall, has seen the wisdom in Cutler's departure and is doing everything he can to take his 100+ receptions a year somewhere else. The Broncos will undoubtedly trade him, and then squander the draft picks they get in return. After all, that's exactly what we did with Cutler.
Do you remember what we got for Cutler? A quarterback named Orton recently seen running off the field with a boo boo on his finger, and two first rd draft picks (one this year and one next year). McDaniel's, who apparently doesn't understand the greater value of a 1st rd pick over a second, traded next years 1st rd pick so he could have an additional pick this year. But here's the best part- he didn't trade the #1 pick we got from the bears, he traded the donk's pick, which means when the donks finish in last place of the entire league this year, thus earning the #1 pick in next years draft, the pick won't be ours. It'll belong to the Seahawks. The only pick we'll have is the one we got from the bears, who'll probably win the Super Bowl, thus giving us the 32ND pick in the draft.
Cutler is gone. Marshall is soon to be gone. Our 2ND ranked offense was completely dismantled and replaced with journeymen quarterbacks, discarded running backs and receivers, and a playbook far too complex for the level of talent that we have. Oh, and our defense still sucks balls. Gigantic, furry goat balls. The Broncos are suddenly, inexplicably, a team rebuilding from scratch. They have no one, NO ONE, to build a team around. And thanks to McDaniel's throwing away our first round pick, we have no way of bringing in anyone to build a team around any time soon.
Every team in the NFL has a losing season once in a while. Some have more losing seasons than not. And others can do nothing but lose. The Broncos, thanks to Pat Bowlen firing Mike Shannahan and bringing in an unproven, arrogant whelp to coach the team, has joined the donks with teams like the lions, the Bengals, and the raiders. We are inept and pathetic, and both will become a tradition we can not escape.
I predict that the donks will go 4-12 this year, and the next, and the next. I predict they will be 4-12 forever. The Cutler Curse is upon us.
Without having played a single game under the McDaniels administration yet, the Broncos are officially a joke. The once proud organization is in shambles, and they're a disgrace. Cutler is gone, banished to Chicago for not being Matt Cassell, where he'll be punished with Super Bowl rings, keys to the city, and pussy as far as the eye can see. Take that, cry baby. The second of our only two Pro Bowl players from last season, Mr. B. Marshall, has seen the wisdom in Cutler's departure and is doing everything he can to take his 100+ receptions a year somewhere else. The Broncos will undoubtedly trade him, and then squander the draft picks they get in return. After all, that's exactly what we did with Cutler.
Do you remember what we got for Cutler? A quarterback named Orton recently seen running off the field with a boo boo on his finger, and two first rd draft picks (one this year and one next year). McDaniel's, who apparently doesn't understand the greater value of a 1st rd pick over a second, traded next years 1st rd pick so he could have an additional pick this year. But here's the best part- he didn't trade the #1 pick we got from the bears, he traded the donk's pick, which means when the donks finish in last place of the entire league this year, thus earning the #1 pick in next years draft, the pick won't be ours. It'll belong to the Seahawks. The only pick we'll have is the one we got from the bears, who'll probably win the Super Bowl, thus giving us the 32ND pick in the draft.
Cutler is gone. Marshall is soon to be gone. Our 2ND ranked offense was completely dismantled and replaced with journeymen quarterbacks, discarded running backs and receivers, and a playbook far too complex for the level of talent that we have. Oh, and our defense still sucks balls. Gigantic, furry goat balls. The Broncos are suddenly, inexplicably, a team rebuilding from scratch. They have no one, NO ONE, to build a team around. And thanks to McDaniel's throwing away our first round pick, we have no way of bringing in anyone to build a team around any time soon.
Every team in the NFL has a losing season once in a while. Some have more losing seasons than not. And others can do nothing but lose. The Broncos, thanks to Pat Bowlen firing Mike Shannahan and bringing in an unproven, arrogant whelp to coach the team, has joined the donks with teams like the lions, the Bengals, and the raiders. We are inept and pathetic, and both will become a tradition we can not escape.
I predict that the donks will go 4-12 this year, and the next, and the next. I predict they will be 4-12 forever. The Cutler Curse is upon us.
Friday, August 7, 2009
30 Second Blog (8-7-09)
I am officially the biggest loser.
The on again/off again Biggest Loser contest held at my work ended this week, and I finished in 1st place with a final result of 21 lbs. Not too bad. For finishing in first place I won $45 and a free lunch. I haven't decided yet what to do with my money. I'll either add it to my gambling stash for the cruise or buy Staind/Shinedown/Chevelle tickets. Tough call.
I told those fools at my work they were making a mistake letting me compete with them. I don't lose weight loss bets when there's money on the line. Or lunch. I didn't even really try and I still won.
I'm the biggest loser, baby! But we all knew that.
The on again/off again Biggest Loser contest held at my work ended this week, and I finished in 1st place with a final result of 21 lbs. Not too bad. For finishing in first place I won $45 and a free lunch. I haven't decided yet what to do with my money. I'll either add it to my gambling stash for the cruise or buy Staind/Shinedown/Chevelle tickets. Tough call.
I told those fools at my work they were making a mistake letting me compete with them. I don't lose weight loss bets when there's money on the line. Or lunch. I didn't even really try and I still won.
I'm the biggest loser, baby! But we all knew that.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Random Thoughts
When I woke up this morning, I immediately began sifting through my memories of the previous night like I always do after a night of heavy drinking. And as always, my general sense of the evening was that I was a loud, inarticulate buffoon. Somewhere between sobriety and drunken foolery is the happy median of lowered inhibitions and fluid communication that I long for. Unfortunately, it's probably somewhere around 2.5 drinks. I shudder at the thought of moderation.
-- Speaking of vices, I foresee a very interesting dilemma arising while cruising Alaska in a few weeks. The closer we get to the trip the clearer our spending budget is, and it looks like Steph and I will have a little less personal spending cash than I thought. So here's what I'm wondering- which of my vices is going to win out on the cruise, drinking or gambling? With the limited budget, one of the two activities won't get nearly as much attention as it deserves. At first I thought I'd spend a lot less on gambling and leave most of my money for booze. Now I'm not so sure. Reading about the ship's casino online I found out that on some voyages they have Texas Hold 'Em tournaments, and there's no way I'm missing out on that. Plus, could I really pass up a chance to roll the bones? Not likely. But somethings gotta give, and I can't imagine walking around the boat without a drink in my hand. Damnation, what a mind fuck. It's like trying to choose between tits and ass.
-- As some of you have already heard, I recently scored Broncos tickets from one of my co-workers who's a season-ticket holder. She's not going to be able to make the week four game against the Dallas Cowboys, so she sold the tickets to me. I'm terribly excited about it. I can't wait to have the chance to scream at Josh McDaniels in person! Maybe I should wear my Cutler jersey to the game.
-- Check out this article posted on yahoo. It's about a bank teller who chased down a bank robber and lost his job for it. Silly bank teller. He should have known better, but I can sympathise with him.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090802/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_robbery_teller
-- That's all I got. Consider yourself lucky.
-- Speaking of vices, I foresee a very interesting dilemma arising while cruising Alaska in a few weeks. The closer we get to the trip the clearer our spending budget is, and it looks like Steph and I will have a little less personal spending cash than I thought. So here's what I'm wondering- which of my vices is going to win out on the cruise, drinking or gambling? With the limited budget, one of the two activities won't get nearly as much attention as it deserves. At first I thought I'd spend a lot less on gambling and leave most of my money for booze. Now I'm not so sure. Reading about the ship's casino online I found out that on some voyages they have Texas Hold 'Em tournaments, and there's no way I'm missing out on that. Plus, could I really pass up a chance to roll the bones? Not likely. But somethings gotta give, and I can't imagine walking around the boat without a drink in my hand. Damnation, what a mind fuck. It's like trying to choose between tits and ass.
-- As some of you have already heard, I recently scored Broncos tickets from one of my co-workers who's a season-ticket holder. She's not going to be able to make the week four game against the Dallas Cowboys, so she sold the tickets to me. I'm terribly excited about it. I can't wait to have the chance to scream at Josh McDaniels in person! Maybe I should wear my Cutler jersey to the game.
-- Check out this article posted on yahoo. It's about a bank teller who chased down a bank robber and lost his job for it. Silly bank teller. He should have known better, but I can sympathise with him.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090802/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_robbery_teller
-- That's all I got. Consider yourself lucky.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I am Implore You To Employ Your Eyes For This
I think my brain is officially broken.
For some time now I've been noticing that I seem to have difficulty finding the right words I want to say when having a conversation. Sometimes I end up rattling off a bunch of nonsense while my brain desperately searches for the word I want to use, while other times I end up saying the wrong word instead and continuing on with whatever lame ass shit I have to say. I used to think I was just being paranoid about this, since it mostly seems to happen when I'm drunk. Lately though its been happening quite a bit when I haven't had any alcohol at all. Maybe it's social awkwardness. Maybe its because I'm a tool. Whatever the reason, it irritates the shit out of me.
Take last Saturday night for instance. While hanging out at R and R's, the subject of Vegas came up, and I mentioned to everyone how the next time I'm there I intend to employ a similar strategy as the one Daniel used the last time we hit up the sports book (he threw down a bet on a heavy underdog and nearly banked on it. Tit was damn cool.)
Anyway, I didn't say the word "employ." I meant to say "employ." What I ended up saying was "implore." What the fuck? Why the hell did I say implore? What, I'm going to beg Daniel's strategy? I'm going to beseech his strategy?
As we were driving home that night, Steph confirmed my slip up. As always though she told me not to let it bother me, but I can't. I hate the idea that I might sound like a moron. Of course, there's not much I can really do about it. Not really. So instead, I've decided to embrace it.
Let's turn it into a drinking game! Here's how it'll work- any time you're hanging out with me, have a shot glass filled with your favorite alcohol somewhere close by. If we're out on the town, say at a restaurant or something, be sure to bring shooters with you. Then, any time I use a word that doesn't quite fit, take a shot. Now, I promise not to do this deliberately. My goal isn't to get you drunk. I just think it would be a fun way for everyone to help me with my problem. If I'm rambling on about something and everyone around me suddenly takes a shot, I'll realize I said something stupid and then rephrase it.
How fun is that? We should have been doing this for years.
For some time now I've been noticing that I seem to have difficulty finding the right words I want to say when having a conversation. Sometimes I end up rattling off a bunch of nonsense while my brain desperately searches for the word I want to use, while other times I end up saying the wrong word instead and continuing on with whatever lame ass shit I have to say. I used to think I was just being paranoid about this, since it mostly seems to happen when I'm drunk. Lately though its been happening quite a bit when I haven't had any alcohol at all. Maybe it's social awkwardness. Maybe its because I'm a tool. Whatever the reason, it irritates the shit out of me.
Take last Saturday night for instance. While hanging out at R and R's, the subject of Vegas came up, and I mentioned to everyone how the next time I'm there I intend to employ a similar strategy as the one Daniel used the last time we hit up the sports book (he threw down a bet on a heavy underdog and nearly banked on it. Tit was damn cool.)
Anyway, I didn't say the word "employ." I meant to say "employ." What I ended up saying was "implore." What the fuck? Why the hell did I say implore? What, I'm going to beg Daniel's strategy? I'm going to beseech his strategy?
As we were driving home that night, Steph confirmed my slip up. As always though she told me not to let it bother me, but I can't. I hate the idea that I might sound like a moron. Of course, there's not much I can really do about it. Not really. So instead, I've decided to embrace it.
Let's turn it into a drinking game! Here's how it'll work- any time you're hanging out with me, have a shot glass filled with your favorite alcohol somewhere close by. If we're out on the town, say at a restaurant or something, be sure to bring shooters with you. Then, any time I use a word that doesn't quite fit, take a shot. Now, I promise not to do this deliberately. My goal isn't to get you drunk. I just think it would be a fun way for everyone to help me with my problem. If I'm rambling on about something and everyone around me suddenly takes a shot, I'll realize I said something stupid and then rephrase it.
How fun is that? We should have been doing this for years.
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